The Unbearable Darkness of Being

In the Way; Insomnia # 111218

2011-12-17T02:01:00.001-05:00

One of my ArtRage paintings: Insomnia 111218 for the poem below. 2:38 Am and not a wink of sleep yet tonight. Not one wink.In the Way; Insomnia # 111218I lie in bed and twitch, tired, but not sleepy. I don't know what to do with my extra arms and legs. Wherever I put them,they are in the way, cordwood piledagainst raw skin. My body twistsinto a mobius strip, a single surfaceof angst. Electricity cracklesand snaps down my spine, leaping from vertebrae to vertebrae. My left foot circles and rearslike a wild stallion. When it leapsfrom the bed, it drags the rest of me,protesting, with it, out into canyonsof darkness, lighting the nightwith the lantern throbbing from my weary skull.Mary Stebbins Taitt111218-0200

waves of pain

2011-11-15T13:23:00.001-05:00

My fibro never goes away entirely, but rises and falls from Tsunami to ripples

Vertigo!

2011-09-18T14:39:00.001-04:00

I went to a writer's retreat and ate food I did not prepare myself, and had the first vertigo incident in months. (Also itchy skin!) Is the "bad food" and the ill effects a coincidence?

Insomnia Journal

2011-09-09T00:27:00.001-04:00

Insomnia Journal, 9/8/11, 11:32 PM

Ispent the evening working on a portrait of Mack and Carol for Mack's 70thbirthday. I worked on it earlierin the day and was tweaking it after dinner. For dinner, we had hamburgers, and a vegetable stir-fry withgarden zucchini, mushrooms, spinach, garlic, carrots, bok choy, broccoli and alittle white wine. I had blood sausage in mine. After dinner, Keith got potato chips and sat on thecouch. I came over and joinedhim. I ate more potato chips thanhe did. L I am trying to break the habit, butnot hard enough! (I never likedpotato chips for many years--Keith taught me to like them, and it may kill me!)

Earlier,I had walked over to Rolandale. Keith drove over to check the phone connections, because I had orderedthe Internet for Rolandale through ATT (DSL). It was for my birthday and finally ordered it TODAY!

Iwalked faster than usual, because I didn't want to keep Keith waiting, and Iwas feeling better than normal, butwhen I got there, he had opened a beer, so I walked 15 more minutes.

Iwas very angry and frustrated when I left home because nothing was workingright on Tabitha. Tabitha kepttrying to restart herself in order to update some program, and was threateningto restart while I was trying to work--I kept X-ing out the restart messagesand they just kept popping up. Meanwhile, the picture of Mack and Carol I was trying to print did notcome out well because it was too small and I couldn't get the email towork. I wanted to email the Psionjournal from yesterday which was a story for the word Disposition, which Iwanted to post for the WeekWord which is due Friday which is tomorrow. I wanted to get it done because I haveother things I need to work on like E'sbook, Frog Haven, Story 16 etc. I was also upset about Graham wanting touse one of the tents and about the possibility of his overhearing my objectionsto that.

Iwas feeling somewhat better after walking 45 minutes at a good clip and did NOThave any fibromyalgia pain (which is very unusual!)

Iam writing these details down because I am up with insomnia and looking for acause of it.

Atdinner, we put on a new CD I had ordered, Carol King and James Taylor Live atthe Troubadour. It was a littleoverly loud, considering we’d never heard it before and didn’t know if we’dlike it. After some potato chips,Keith fell asleep on the couch. Itwas upsetting me the way his head kept bobbing around.

Thenhe got up, washed the dishes (thank you Keith!), and went to bed--it was about9:00 and I went up, not knowing he'd gone to bed, expecting a story, but he wasalready in bed. I am alwaysdisappointed when I don’t get a story, but considering how early he gets up andhow hard he works, I try not to be too upset about it. I got my nightgown on and sprayed myteeth with the water pik and brushed them, turned off the computer and readMYSELF a bedtime story. I finishedThe Cay, by Theodore Taylor. I liked it--I think it was a good book,but something very sad happened right near the end and I cried.

Isat on the couch a while to calm down and then went to bed.

Assoon as I lay down, I almost immediately started having weird "semi-hallucinations." I'm putting it in quotes, because theywere not really hallucinations, but dream-like images and sequences and talkingin my head. It was like I wasdreaming or having hypnogogic images, but I was not asleep. This happens to me fairly regularly andis almost 100% associated with insomnia and seems to be an indicator or predictor--assoon as it starts, I can guess I probably will not be able to sleep, and, infact, I lay awake for an hour in bed and got progressively LESS SLEEPY and MOREWIDE AWAKE as I lay there, and also started getting "restless." I become agitated, and this agitationthat "forces" me to get up. I feel as if I just cannot endure lying there another second. I feel asif I will "explode" if I am required to lie in bed even another nthof a second. I also often feel"hungry."

WhenI have the "Semi-Hallucinatory[1]hypnogogic dreams" while still awake, I am fully conscious of myself, theroom, etc. The voices are nottalking to me, it's more like a TV show is running somewhere nearby (but insidemy head, not in Graham’s room, for example). At first, it is as if there are veils of darkness betweenthe “hallucination” and me. Sometimes, I hear only voices, sometimes babbling in foreignlanguages. Last night, there werethe voices, but, although I could understand the words, they didn’t always makesense to me. First the voices, thenthe images, dark at first, then brighter and brighter, like a TV warming up(back in the old days, when TVs had to warm up.)

Iwas trying to remember two of the little “visions” I had, but I can, at themoment, only remember one. A man was passed out unconscious on thebeach or ground and a large bird ate his eyes out while he was still alive. This vision horrified me and “woke meup.” Hard to do when I am alreadyawake, but I had been starting to drift and I startled into hyper-wakefulnessconsidering the horror of the “vision.”[2]

Tonight,I got up and took 5 mg of melatonin and two valerians and then came down and ata half-bowl of raw biscuit dough (with whole wheat flour and bran mix and ricemilk.) It's now been half an hoursince I took the pills, but I feel no sleepier than I did before. It's about par for the course, when Ifeel this way; the pills rarely help much. Sleeping pills just make it worse.

WhatI would have liked to do is two things on Tabitha: get the file I want and print the picture I wanted toprint. But since Keith is in theresleeping, it doesn't seem fair to disturb him. If I had felt ok to do that, I would have skipped eating. I would not have come downstairs atall, probably.

So,what's different about tonight than last night?

*Idid not get a story read to me (though I did read to myself.)

*severalthings upset me, somewhat more than usual

*bloodsausage? Garlic?

*Iwalked faster than usual

*Potatochips? Wine? (A tablespoon or twoin vegetables.)

*I accidentally had an extra high potency vitamin D and THAT couldbe the cause! (But if so—it in NOTthe cause other nights, since, to the best of my knowledge, I’ve never donethat before. (The pills stuck together.)

The problem is,I have no idea. I can't see apattern. Keith thinks something iswrong with me, with my metabolism or something, and that it is not something Iam "doing wrong." (Iworry I am causing the problem by some wrong choice.)

Iam concerned because lack of sleep causes many health issues, not the least ofwhich is fatigue:

*fatigue

*brainfog, forgetfulness, stupidity, short term memory loss

*permanent brain damage

*heartdamage

*obesity!

*it'sassociate with Alzheimer's and dementia! :-(

*fibromyalgia!!!!!

*itmakes me logy and lazy, low energy, unable to function well, or work

*itmakes me cranky and grouchy and reactive in a bad way!

I am probablygoing to go upstairs and lie down and try again to sleep. But I don't feel very hopeful. :-(

[1] I am callingthese semi-hallucinatory because they are not brightly colored and realisticAND I am awake or at least partly awake—conscious,

[2] 9/9/11, Thismorning when I woke up, I would have liked to have gone back to sleep,considering how little sleep I got, BUT I thought about that “vision” from lastnight, only this time, I saw it in another light. I realize it may only have been “wishful thinking,” at asubconscious level, but it may also have been shamanic. I saw thebird as a totem animal (like a raven, perhaps, although in the originalvisions, the bird looked more like a large gull, but I don’t know any gulls thesize of a raven and it was larger than the average gull) who was investing thesleeping MAN (not woman) with deepersight, such as spiritual sight, access to the unconscious and to the collectiveunconscious, perhaps. I saw animage of the man sprawled unconscious on the beach with the bird standing onone foot on his shoulder, with one eyeball in his beak and one clutched in histalons and a ray of light illuminating the man’s third eye. There was a symbol moving through thepicture, circle-triangle-eye, which located itself in the eyeballs, over theman, in the sky, at the third eye of the bird, which glowed. I lay there wanting to paint thepicture. I wish I were a betterartist. I can picture exactly howthe man was lying, the composition of the painting, etc. The little mini-vision (it lasted avery short time) relates specifically to the book I was reading last nightabout a boy struck blind in a torpedo attack on his ship and stranded on a tinyisland where he learns from his companion how to “see.” However, the person in the vision was aman, not the boy in the book and not “me,” unless it is the male part of mybeing.

Insomnia and Fibromyalgia

2011-08-28T02:20:00.004-04:00

Insomnia and Fibromyalgia

It is 2AM and I am awake and have not slept. I went to bed and lay there wide-awake for an hour. Then I got up and did some art for an hour. Then I went back to bed for an hour and still did not sleep.

When I lay down, I am wide-awake. When I get up, I feel too tired and sleepy to do much.

I took some melatonin and some valerian. It did not help at all. I listened to a meditation tape and I counted breaths. That did not help, either. I lay in my sleeping husband's arms. That felt nice, but it did not make me sleep.
I do not know what to do to sleep, but I do know this: whenever I do not sleep, my fibromyalgia gets much worse. This is a persistent, recurring problem. I've pretty much given up writing about it because I had nothing new to say.

I've read that lack of sleep causes PERMANENT brain damage. I've read that lack of sleep is correlated with dementia and Alzheimer's. But I do not know how to go o sleep.

I go to the sleep doctor and he addresses the sleep apnea, but not the insomnia.

I avoid coffee, tea, chocolate, stimulants and depressants of all kinds. I avoid white sugar and sweeteners and white flour and refined carbs.

Nothing seems to help. I get depressed about it all.

The following is from a .gov site.

The following tips can help improve sleep. This is called sleep hygiene.
Avoid caffeine, alcohol, or nicotine before bed. (I avoid these all day every day)

· Don't take daytime naps. (I don't)

· Eat at regular times each day--avoid large meals near bedtime. (I normally eat several hours before bedtime).

· Exercise at least 2 hours before going to bed. (I exercised today between 4:30 and 5:30—well, actually, since it's 2:12 AM, it was yesterday)

· Go to bed at the same time every night. (Going in bed and staying there are not the same thing).

· Keep comfortable sleeping conditions. (How can you be comfortable wearing a stupid CPAP mask and hosing?)

· Remove the anxiety that comes with trying to sleep by reassuring yourself that you will sleep or by distracting yourself. (Yeah, right, how do you not become anxious about sleeping after lying awake hour after hour?)

· Use the bed only for sleep and sex. (What else would I use it for—a trampoline????)

Do something relaxing just before bedtime (such as reading or taking a bath) so that you don't dwell on worrisome issues. Watching TV or using a computer may be stimulating to some people and interfere with their ability to fall asleep.

If you can't fall asleep within 30 minutes, get up and move to another room. Engage in a quiet activity until you feel sleepy.

One method of preventing worries from keeping you awake is to keep a journal before going to bed (I like to keep my journal on the computer, which is apparently verboten!). List all issues that worry you. By this method, you transfer your worries from your thoughts to paper. This leaves your mind quieter and more ready to sleep.

If you follow these recommendations and still have insomnia, your doctor may prescribe medications such as benzodiazepines. (My doctor says sleep meds make it WORSE!)

two kinds of pain

2011-08-10T18:18:00.001-04:00

I don't like pain. It hurts.

My fibromyalgia has been flaring up for several days to the point of being unpleasantly painful.

I can hardly believe the state young people have fallen to . . . (people have been saying that for generations--and maybe it was true, but it seems the worst yet now!)

"Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way . . ."

We were a long ways from perfect, but today, young people have no respect. (Or very little).

Fibromyalgia: fall

2011-08-09T13:01:00.001-04:00

Fibromyalgia: sometimes my hips give out. Walking down stairs, I'm afraid I might fall.

walk

2011-05-26T15:34:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to walk for two days now, which isn't good for diet, sleep, or fibro!! :-(

still sorting wet stuff

2011-05-26T13:44:00.001-04:00

I haven't been over to Rolandale yet, but K says there's silt--I hope he doesn't mean sewage. I'm feverishly working here--worked until very late last night. Worked all day today, have done nothing else--the piles in front of the house for the trash are growing. Damp pictures and manuscripts are spread everywhere, and many boxes have yet to be explored. There is grief and sorrow for both of us, lost books and photos etc. (Not the same as losing your mother of course, but some of my precious pictures of my parents and several dear friends now passed were ruined. Etc.

Our flood

2011-05-26T09:36:00.001-04:00

Well, there were flood warnings, but we paid no attention. They were going to be somewhere else, they always were. Wrong. They were here. Our basement flooded and there was camera gear, telescopes, photographs, clothes, rugs, artwork, and other important and valuable items down there. Boxes and boxes of STUFF.

This is NOT my first flood experience by a long shot, but each one is fresh.

To complicate the emotional aspect, I had warmed Keith that we should put stuff up off the floor. He insisted Moran never flooded. Never has. Has now.

We DID put the stuff up off off the floor 6 inches or so--but the water was a food deep. Not just water, either. :-(

Each flood even is different. And freshly painful. And difficult.

I can't believe how much work we have ahead of us. We had been planning to leave to go camping tday. I've pushed trip ahead a day, but we may either have to push it ahead further or cancel it.

Unbearable Piles of $#|+

2011-05-23T18:31:00.001-04:00

I have a couple doctor appointments today. The first one is with my
cardiologist, Dr. John, and the second with my pulmonologist, Dr.
Macon. After getting my CPAP adjusted to a new higher pressure
because I've gained yet more weight :-( , I am going, hopefully, to
walk at Dodge park, in part because it is near Dr. Macon's office and
better than walking on the streets near home.

Since I have had to wait two to three hours at Dr. John's, I brought
my iPad, which I am writing on now, my Psion, and a book. I packed
these in a briefcase.

Because I have to have the CPAP adjusted, I of course had to pack
that--in its own travel bag.

Because I am going to walk at Dodge Park, which is scenic, has herons
and lots of wildflowers, I wanted to bring my cameras.

Because one appointment is before lunch time and the other after
lunchtime, and it would be silly and stupid to try to drive home in
between, I packed a lunch, water bottles, bran.

Because they bare prediciting rain and maybe thunderstorms, I brought
a raincoat and hat.

Because I didn't want Keith to come home to a messy kitchen, I took
the time to wash the dishes and clean the counter etc. Because I was
then running late, I was trying to getbout the door with all these
incredible piles of $#[+, tripping and stumbling and having trouble
getting my keys out and getting the car open etc. Aiee! Sometimes I
think I am leading my life all wrong.

I am writing this in the examing room. I got called in 19 minutes
after my appointment time which might be a new record. For quickness.
IPad.

"What is truer than truth? The story!" Isabel Allende, old Jewish Tale

Mary

An Insomnia Journal, March 30, 2011

2011-03-30T02:47:00.004-04:00

An Insomnia Journal, March 30, 2011

It’s 1:30 Am and I am awake. I went to bed at 10:30 but was itchy and agitated. I could tell by the way I felt that it was probably going to be an insomniac night, but I tried to sleep anyway.

First I just lay there to see if maybe I would sleep. Then I counted breaths. I’ve never found that particularly useful, but it was recommended in a book I read, so I gave it a try. Then I did some more breath counting exercises--more difficult ones. That didn’t help either. It rarely does.

Meanwhile, I got itchier and itchier. My skin itched.

I lay awake thinking of all the things I could be doing if I were up. Then I worried about how being up would ruin the day for me tomorrow and I lay there some more. Wishing I could just go to sleep. But I didn’t. I got itchier and more agitated.

I felt hungry. I wanted to get up and eat. But I was not hungry. I was having cravings. I had two bad days over the weekend, bad food that is. I ate a lot of soy at the party, and chocolate. The day before, I ate biscottis. And other junk.

I started thinking about food, wondering if it was the food from the weekend, from the salon and Sophia’s birthday party that was giving me insomnia, or something I ate today, or something else entirely. I still feel hungry. I still want to get something to eat. :-( Today, I ate carrots and peppers and extra ww bread. (more than normal). Otherwise, everything I ate was normal. (I think).

I got up and read a little in the book that I want to send to Rachel while the computer was booting up. I wanted to read the note from Ruth the Shaman poet. But it wasn’t that interesting. I am interested in thinking about Shamanism again. When I was in bed, not sleeping, I tried to go on a journey, but the hole in the earth that came to me was a rat-hole--the one last summer’s rats made under the terrace, That may have come from Milo’s rat. Down in the rat hole, there were “good” rats and bad rats, by which I mean friendly and unfriendly rats. I thought about how my judgement of them as good and bad depended on how they reacted to ME. Rats are social animals. Once they get to know you, they are fine (unless rabid). But I didn’t get anywhere beyond this sort of intellectualizing.

I read the rest of chapter 1 of The Hunted, by Gloria Skurzybski and Alane Ferguson. It’s a national park mystery we must have picked up for Graham in Colorado, but I don’t remember reading it and the book is perfect and tight as if it’s never even been opened. I figured I’d read it and send it to Rachel, since I told her I had some books for her and I already sent Judy Moody. I had this one in mind when I said that, as I had been rooting around in Graham’s discards looking for books for the kids and I’d seen it there.

When I was laying in bed, I imagined playing with fractals, doing art, working on my stories, reading, eating, doing some chores, getting the mole ready to mail, etc. But each things takes a while and it turns out that my inbox was full so I wasted some time deleting messages (and more need to be deleted.).

I try to start XAOS fractals multiple times, but I will not start. Maybe it’s expired. WAHN! It’s a great activity for insomniac nights. Oh well.

In order to accomplish something useful, I print 2 copies of the Mike Kline Address labels for mailing the mole. I feel tired, which is common for insomniac night--it’s time to be in bed, not up farting around.

I read chapter 2 of The Hunted. It’s pretty good so far. And, now I read chapter 3. I recorded the books I read yesterday, children’s books for Frankie, in my book list.

I went downstairs and ate almonds and baby carrots. I wanted something healthy, or relatively healthy, that would not exacerbate my cravings. I read through chapter 6 in The Hunted. The plot thickens and gets more interesting. Upstaris again, I read through chapter 8. It’s almost 3 Am and I am really tired. I think I will try going back to bed. Wish me luck.

Reflective Listening

2011-03-02T13:30:00.003-05:00

An Exercise In Reflective Listening And Empathy

with apologies and thanks to: Sustainable Employee Motivation

Reflective listening in its purest form means that you verbally repeat
what you hear somebody else is saying, not by rote, but with caring.
It is listening to others from a position of empathy.
So what is empathy? It is the shift from me to we. It is the ability
to understand others on both a feeling and thinking level…to recognize
emotions in others…to make the basic shift from "the world revolves
around me" to being caring and motivated to help others.
Empathy is an essential part of emotional intelligence. (The original
piece said, "Empathy is where you grow out of the ego-centered part of
being a child.")
Empathy can be tricky. People who demonstrate a lot of empathy are
very good at tapping into their own life experience in order to relate
to what someone else is experiencing. But they use it only as a
starting point and not as the end itself.
If you are empathetic, you use your own experience as a guide, but
always "check out" whether your interpretation of another person's
feelings or thoughts is accurate.
You always maintain the thought that another person might feel
differently or think differently than you do in any given situation.
This is why reflective listening is so powerful. It helps you to
listen to others from that point of view.
Reflective listening can be trained, like any other emotional muscle.
The very act of repeating what the other person are saying will
immediately cause you to stop before you act on your automatic
interpretations.
The following activity will train that reflective listening muscle. It
is a good activity to do with your spouse. (a spouse work particularly
well)
Reflective Listening Exercise
• Select an issue on which you have differing opinions. It is
important that you choose an issue about which you have differing
opinions, because that's when it's the hardest to listen to each
other. (We often invest in being right or in winning and don't come
from a place of wanting to understand)
• Begin your conversation with one person sharing their perspective on
the issue. The spotlight stays on that person until they indicate that
they agree that their partner clearly understands their perspective.
· If I, person A, am the first to share my perspective, person B
takes as much time as necessary to feed back to me their
interpretation of what I am saying.
Person A does one of two things. They either VALIDATE and say "Yes, I
think you have an accurate understanding" (Or "yes, that's what I
meant," or "yes, that is what I was trying to say") or they "CORRECT"
the interpretation by saying "that's not exactly it. Here's what I
mean."
Once person A has VALIDATED that person B is understanding, person B
then has the opportunity to share their point of view and allow person
A to check out their interpretations.
• Caveat: When you are communicating your point of view, share a few
ideas and then let your listener clarify. Then continue sharing more
ideas.
If you speak for 5 minutes straight before your listener has a chance
to check out what they're making up, they won't be able to remember
everything you said.
Debrief After The Activity
• Did you feel that you and your partner understood each other better
or that you made some headway in solving the problem?
• What was it like to focus so intently on understanding the meaning
of someone else's communication rather than on what you were going to
say?
• What did you personally have to let go of to listen effectively and
"check out your thinking maps?"
Become A Reflective Listener
After we have practiced this several times, which I hope we will,
let's try to make it a part of our lives and listening skills! I hope
some of the practice sessions that I hope we have will BE real-life
problems and situations!!!!
More exercises
• Step into someone else's shoes. All of us have people with whom we
have difficulty emphasizing or situations in which we lack empathy.
Choose a person or a situation and literally "step into those shoes"
for a period of time. Spend an hour or half a day doing someone else's
job. Note whether your ability to emphasize changes based on seeing
the world from a different perspective.
• Choose a real life "hot spot" to practice it. Select a person with
whom you are having relationship difficulties. Or you can choose a
person that you know holds significantly different beliefs from your
own.
Invite that person into a conversation in which you consciously check
your own interpretations of what they are saying.
Begin by focusing on them. Before you move to sharing your beliefs,
say, "I just want to make sure I understand you. Can you clarify? Is
this what you mean?" People rarely say no to this.
When you are speaking, ask the person if they wouldn't mind sharing
what they're hearing you say. You can then take an opportunity to
correct them if you feel misunderstood.
• Use this tool whenever you have to deal with conflict of any kind.
Remember, this is a habit, and just like any other muscle, you need to
train it.
Just practicing it once, won't make it a habit. We need to use it
whenever we can to make it part of our hard wiring. I hope you are
willing to seriously work on this with me.
I am serious about wanting to practice this with you over and over
until it becomes a HABIT for both of us. PLEASE tell me that yes you
a e willing to work on this.

Communication

2011-03-01T12:50:00.001-05:00

I think we BOTH need to practice reflective listening, where we paraphrase, NOT BY ROTE, but with loving care, consideration, good intention and an effort at understanding, what the other person has just said. Eg: “Let me make sure I understand what you just said. Did you say your iPad crashed and ate that art piece you’ve been working on for three weeks? Was it the iPad that crashed or the program itself?”

Perhaps we need to learn to be more pc with each other, more “personally correct.” I think there is a time and place to be PC (politically correct) and a time and place to be pc (personally correct.) (By the way, to the best of my knowledge, I just made that term up.). The time to be PC or pc (personally correct) is when the situation is sensitive. I know you know what I mean—if there is a Polish person present, you don’t tell Polak jokes UNLESS it is a person who tells them and enjoys them himself. You don’t tell Italian jokes or blond jokes in front of an Italian or a blond. And if there is a person who makes a point of always being PC, you don’t tell any ethnic or un-PC type jokes in front of them. There is a time to be PC and a time to be un-PC—in the privacy of a relationship where you know the people and their tastes, you can be as unpolitically correct as is appropriate to that relationship. (Some people, like Alain Able, don’t seem to understand this concept and keep sending me sexual jokes that are inappropriate.) I know you know all this already, I’m not lecturing, I am using it as an analogy to my “new” concept of pc—personal correctness—an sort of extension of PC with wider ranging implications.

What I mean is that we BOTH need to learn to be more pc—personally correct—in our relationships with each other, by which I mean, more sensitive to the constraints of the persons personal needs, fear, “buttons,” hot points, mood, degree of tiredness and the sensitivity or difficulty of the topic. The more difficult the topic is, for either or both of us, the more careful we need to be to suppress our defensiveness, reassure each other, practice reflective listening, take our time, etc.

I want to say YES to our relationship, YES to our love, YES to our marriage, YES to growth, healing and deep communication.

I believe we should be able to talk to each other about anything at all, and to be successful at talking about some things, the more difficult ones, we may need to be ULTRA sensitive. At least at first and maybe for some time.

Sensitivity can include not joking or making humorous (or not so humorous, or pointed) remarks about things the other person is sensitive about, even if it seems funny. We can joke about our OWN shortcomings, but not those of the other until the sensitivity to that issues abates some.

Remember, I love you and WANT our relationship to THRIVE, not shrivel. I think good, open communication with honesty, integrity and trust is a key to a thriving relationship.

Both of us bring baggage to the table and it sits on the table between us, making conversation difficult and complex. Respectful and thoughtful reflective listening can help us understand one another. Maybe we could practice with silly things and light things until it becomes a habit and we can do it more naturally when we need to—when difficult discussions have to happen.

I hope you will agree to work on this with me. I want to love you better. I want you to love me better. And I think we are intelligent and loving enough to be able to do this.

sleep and fibro

2011-01-27T11:24:00.001-05:00

I didn't sleep hardly at all last, almost no sleep. And it always makes my fibro worse when I don't sleep.

but it's generally been better--somewhat better. I use a blue light in the morning and 4.5 o 5 mg of melatonin at night. Plus I avoid dairy and soy. Not sure which, if any, of those therapies are helping, but I do feel a little better.

Unsolicited Advice

2011-01-26T13:10:00.001-05:00

Unsolicited Advice

I would like to have a discussion about unsolicited advice, both the giving and, particularly, the receiving of it.

I do not like receiving unsolicited advice and I TRY to make it a point NOT to give it. In some cases, I am even hesitant to give asked for advice. because it is often so unwelcome.

One must advise one's children while they are young. But I would prefer advice between adults to come when requested and to not come at other times, when unrequested and particularly when unwanted, inappropriate, and hurtful.

One of my family members often gives unsolicited advice. I love and respect him and I respect his expertise and opinion WHEN I WANT help. However, when I tell him about a problem I am having, and what I want is sympathy, understanding, hugs, he often gives me unsolicited advice instead. I am being twice frustrated, once by not getting what I need and want and again by getting something unwelcome.

I think he offers unwelcome advice because:

1. He loves me

2. He cares about me.

3. He wants to HELP

However, instead of feeling grateful, I feel

1. Angry and defensive.

2. Offended and belittled

a. I am offended because

i. I feel as if he is assuming

1. that he knows more than I do

a. He DOES know more than I do on certain topics, but he often offers advice on topics where I know as much or more as he does.

2. that I am too stupid to figure things out and work them out on my own

ii. I feel as if I am being treated like a young, wayward child

I know that in AA, Al-anon and other twelve-step programs, we are advised NOT to give unsolicited advice. They say, and I quote, "Unsolicited advice can be seen as a passive-aggressive, condescending way of telling you that they think you're stupid or inferior." And I have to say, that is exactly how it makes me feel!

How can I respond to it in a way that values and respects my loved one and at the same time, preserves my self-respect, dignity and intellectual capacity? A person could always choose to ask, before giving unsolicited advice, if it were wanted.

There are some exceptions to this rule—sometimes—RARELY—a friend must speak up and be honest in order to help a friend. Sometimes, even interventions are needed. But not multiple times in a single day.

"delightful" new diet :-(

2011-01-15T13:17:00.001-05:00

I just reached my lowest point of 2011. :-D

Good news, right? :-D

I had started the diet shortly after the new year, and had steadily lost weight daily until I reached 9 pounds. THEN, with no change in the diet, I started GAINING WEIGHT daily! for 3-4 days!

So what turned things around?

Remember how I mentioned that when I was in the hospital with ML for her mastectomies, Graham was home sick from school? I probably failed to mention he barfed in the kitchen sink when Laura Lindow had come for his piano lesson, and I had to clean it up. Well, he gave me a delightful gift--I've been barfing my brains out for 18 hours. I can't hold anything down, including water and am getting dehydrated! :-(

That's probably why I lost weight. No water (or food) for 18 hours. As soon as I recover, I'll probably gain it back. Meanwhile, I am desperately thirsty and afraid to drink anything. Even a sip sets me off. And barfing is not my favorite activity. :-(

I'm pretty much too weak to do anything, either. I've been in bed all day.

Unlike a snail mail letter, there are no germs attached to this email.

I hope ML doesn't get sick--I was with her almost all day Thursday and some yesterday, and also Graham, the day before he got sick!

Mary

diet report

2011-01-11T08:57:00.005-05:00

fat fat grandmother (me) with gorgeous grandson.

down 4.6 pounds from yesterday, when I had a sudden startling and unexplained surge upward.
down 2.5 pounds from Sunday (two days ago)
down 9 pounds from Wednesday.
down 25.7 pounds from my high point.

Got a ways to go still.

My sleeping, mood, and fibro have all generally improved somewhat since I started the diet.

trouble

2011-01-06T10:33:00.001-05:00

I'm having trouble with one of my goals, aka "resolutions," that I
haven't had time to write down yet: finish what I start before moving
on to the next thing. Problem: I haven't had breakfast yet, and
before I eat, I want to do my exercises and yoga. Roadblock: I
started a card for Rosy and a new poem: the first poem of the new
year. I'm so hungry! I've been up since 4 AM, couldn't sleep! Can I
please eat breakfast, even though I haven't finished dealing with the
poem? PLEASE? Pretty please? I've been up for 6 and a half hours
without a scrap of food, and THAT is not good for my diet? What if my
goals conflict with each other? Then what?

I know, I know, first things first, right? So wait, how do I KNOW
what the first thing IS?

Happy Birthday

2011-01-06T09:44:00.001-05:00

I used one of the images from my new children's book (in progress) to
make a birthday card for my niece.

report on diet-day one

2011-01-06T06:18:00.001-05:00

I started my diet yesterday, after finishing off the holiday food the day before. I'm in phase 1 of the diet, and I completed the day entirely successfully. This morning, I weighed 1.5 pounds less than yesterday morning. I know daily weight fluctuates and will probably soon switch to weekly weigh-ins, but for the first week or so, I'll probably weigh daily.

I woke up this morning after a weird dream at 4 AM and never went back to sleep. I found when I was dieting last year, that I slept somewhat better in general when I stuck closely to my diet. I hope that proves to be the case again this year. Both my sleeping and my fibromyalgia are somewhat improved in general, but with lots of flare-ups, still. Hope all is well with your progress on your goals as well!!

I am a little worried about BB (K), as he seems to be more and more tired all the time.

snow

2011-01-05T10:04:00.002-05:00

Thick fluffy flakes of snow drift and float randomly back and forth, undisturbed by the faintest breath of breeze. The street looks like a scene from Currier and Ives, the perfect Christmas card. Slowly, the wind pick up and the snow thickens further--the flakes slanting now, the storm starting in earnest. It's still lovely, but it isn't Christmas any more. And I prefer clean dry sidewalks to walk on and clean dry roads to drive on. Yeah, I know, it's winter, what did I expect?

new diet etc

2011-01-04T11:21:00.001-05:00

I just checked and I weigh 9 pounds less than I did a year ago and 19 pounds less than my high point but 26 pounds above my low points in July and August 2010! :-( My diet went to hell at Uncle Bob's funeral and I never got back on track. :-(

I intend to start dieting tomorrow. I also intend to add stair climbing very gradually to my regular walking routing, and hopefully start jogging again, lightly. I have to wait until I've lost some weight to jog seriously. I think I will order a pedomenter.

Another of Murphy's Laws

2010-12-31T10:32:00.001-05:00

The more people involved in any undertaking, the less gets
accomplished. It takes so long to make group decisions and everyone
has diffent agendas they need to fulfill.

À coeur vaillant rien d'impossible."I don't want to face my fears, I am
afraid of them!" Spongebob

*
*
Mary

Crossing the steppes of central Ontario

2010-12-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

5:14 PM December 30

Fog lays over the snow and fades the darkening trees as the three of us in our over-heated cocoon hurtle through the steppes of central Ontario. Keith says that our average speed over the last two hours is maybe 40 mph-- we're not making good time. We had a very long wait at the border. Then, the 402 was closed due to a bad accident and fire and we had a slow detour through the countryside. Keith was hoping to make as much progress as possible before it got dark, because darkness alone will slow us down, but darkness is rapidly falling and we are only just into Canada. Disappointing, for a number of reasons, one of which is that we'll get in late and we're both tired (Graham is sleeping now). Another is that I have't walked yet today, and the later itnis when I get in, the less likely I am to want to walk. And if I don't walk, I often feel worse. Ah well.

Keith says, "well, I was hoping to hot London before it got dark.". It's about dark now.

We pass lovely vistas of prairie covered with snow layered with fog layered with the blue of nearly nightfall. The highway is a stream of headlights on one side and taillights on the other.

I view the pictures in photo techniques magazine, but it is too dark to read the articles.

Sent from my iPad

Packing

2010-12-30T13:11:00.001-05:00

My husband suggested he take my car to work and I pack his car for our
trip. He hands me a small duffle, not even full, with his clothes and
a book or two for the four-day trip. I on the other hand, have a
LARGE duffle of clothes (pjs) and my CPAP and my bran and rice milk
and my Psion and my iPad and maybe a computer and a manuscript and art
supplies and bags of food for the trip there and back and wate
thirties (water bottles [stupid iPad] and camera gear and . . . No
wonder he wanted ME to pack!!

À coeur vaillant rien d'impossible."I don't want to face my fears, I am
afraid of them!" Spongebob

*
*
Mary

Palpating the trash

2010-12-30T12:39:00.001-05:00

My hand cream disappeared off my nightstand, and I had just collected
the trash. I was afraid it had fallen into the trash basket under the
nightstand, so I ran down to where I was collecting the trash and
palpated it, but couldn't feel the dispenser in there. :-(

À coeur vaillant rien d'impossible."I don't want to face my fears, I am
afraid of them!" Spongebob

*
*
Mary

diet :-(

2010-09-23T10:33:00.001-04:00

I gained 13 1/2 pounds on the trip! I went off my diet (obviously--since I'm forbidden to eat out and forbidden to have desserts or anything containing sugar or white flour.

I've lost three of them, as of this morning, but am still 10 pounds above what I was.

If I go off my diet, the following things happen:

my fibro gets worse\ sometimes MUCH worse
my insomnia gets MUCH worse
I get crankier and more depressed.
I gain VAST amounts of weight VERY QUICKLY
and worst of all, it is VERY HARD to get back on the diet--VERY HARD! Very very hard. I do OK with it once I'm on it. Usually.

Evening

2010-09-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

It was weirdly hot and stuffy-feeling OUTSIDE last night, humid, heavy and ICKY! (at our house).

I had a TERRIBLE NIGHT, really bad insomnia less than 3.5 hours of sleep.

Self=portrait at 3 AM

2010-09-15T21:17:00.001-04:00

Here's a new drawing of mine called Self-portrait at 3 AM:

Insomnia

2010-09-11T19:21:00.001-04:00

I did this on Panther Studios Colorpad in my iPad, then fooled with it on photoshop a little.

Last day on the heart monitor

2010-08-22T13:21:00.001-04:00

Today is the last day, tonight the last night, and tomorrow morning the last morning on the heart monitor, and I will return it Monday.

foot report

2010-08-14T09:08:00.001-04:00

I went to the doctor yesterday and she sent me to have my foot X-rayed, but since it was the end of the day Friday, she says I probably I won't get the results until Monday. She's on call and will call me if they call her and if it's broken. I got a copy of one of the X-rays and I can see no break.

Last night my foot was so bad that I got in the night to soak it, took an extra strength (prescription) motrin, wrapped it in in an ace bandage and went back to bed. This morning it is significantly improved (not as swollen or painful), but it tends to get worse throughout the day.

In any case, it happened Monday and got worse every day until Thursday, and yesterday (friday) was slightly better than Thursday (except at bedtime), and today is slightly better than yesterday, so if it is not broken, it may be slowly on the mend. I hope so, because I haven't been able to walk for several days.

Not only that, but I have to soak my butt in hot water several times a day, and my foot in cold water, pretty soon someone will tell me to soak my head!

(my fibro is much improved and my arthritis isn't too bad.)

In the Dark

2010-07-30T10:24:00.004-04:00

We have no bathroom lights in the upstairs bathroom. Something happened and they blew a fuse and BB hasn't been able to make them work yet--though he's been very busy with a series of other problems--it's fine during the day, but a problem at night.

BB left piles of light bulbs on the sink and I was knocking them down in the dark, having forgotten they were there. :-( (Grrr!)

I've been using a headlamp since then to use the bathroom.

back from LEEP

2010-07-29T09:55:00.006-04:00

**DANGER! Do not read if offended by VERY PERSONAL DETAILS!**

I am back from my LEEP procedure.

It was totally not fun, a bit of a torture chamber, starting with having to wait more than 2 hours from the time to procedure was scheduled.

First the doctor washed inside my vagina and my cervix with acetic acid (strong vinegar) and iodine, both of which burned! And stung.

She gave me 4 Novocain shots in the cervix--that hurt!

Then she cut of pieces of my cervix to 1/4 inch in depth--like pieces of MEAT! That hurt a lot. The Novocain did NOT stop it from hurting. I'm sure it would have been much worse without it. Then she cauterized it to stop the bleeding. That hurt too, but not as much.

During the cauterization, there was a fan running to blow the smoke out of my vagina so she could see what she was doing.

I was crying a little and jumping--I couldn't help it. She said not to jump, but I couldn't help it. You hurt me, I jump. I apologized, but then did it again. Multiple times. I just couldn't hold still when I felt the pain.

But anyway, it's over. I hope there will be no further procedures--she's sending the all the samples for biopsy. I have to go back on Aug 16 for a followup and to learn the results of the biopsies.

My butt is not healed, but is much better. It hurts for several hours every time I poop but if I only poop once in the morning, by afternoon I am nearly ok. My butt didn't hurt during the procedure.

And it doesn't hurt now, but my crotch sure does. No sex until after I see her again, but because of the rectal pain, which is sometimes severe, we haven't had much sex since it started--once or twice only.

I wrote that little letter about my walk as sort of a death-bed greeting--I was really nervous about the LEEP thing. I wanted to leave something behind in case I disappeared in a puff of smoke and pain.

I'm kind of a wimp about pain. :-(

The procedure didn't actually last all that long, though it seemed like it at the time--it was probably less than half an hour total time. It seemed like hours and hours.

Doctor's orders: I am not supposed to do anything, so BB is making dinner--Good thing I walked earlier!

I hope your day was better than mine. :-D

Click image of fractal to view larger--click again to view larger still

Heart monitor and weight loss

2010-07-24T08:09:00.001-04:00

Here I am yesterday with my heart monitor. It was a pain at night! I
ahve to wear it all night.

The second thing is that as of today, I have lost 35 pounds since I
started my current diet (and am down 44 from my highest ever, which
was less than a year ago, I think). (I don't look any different
though, or at least not very.)

INSOMNIA AGAIN #100717a

2010-07-17T23:11:00.001-04:00

INSOMNIA AGAIN #100717a

YAY! Lost 30 pounds! WOOHOO!

2010-07-16T09:44:00.001-04:00

I'm on a diet and I've lost 30 pounds. I didn't want to mention it
too soon, but I'm making progress!! YAY! A ways to go, but progress
is progress!!!

Insomnia 100715

2010-07-16T09:38:00.001-04:00

I had insomnia last night, lay awake in bed for an hour and half and then got up several hours, then lay awake for several more hours. I did this piece on iOla the IPad last night to illustrate how I felt. Sent from my iPad

Pain and the manifestation of pain

2010-07-15T14:36:00.001-04:00

Pain and the manifestation of pain

Pain and Pleas

2010-07-15T09:57:00.002-04:00

The bad news is that it is supposed to go up to 92 today! AK! You
will come home hot and tired and cranky and I won't feel well either.
VERY SAD.

I feel sad because I know you love me, but sometimes, it seems to me
that you don't know how to show it. You were very kind last night
when you stretched my neck—I'm so sorry you banged your knee and sorry
I kept you up late! You were very kind when you read to me. I love
it when you read to me.

But what I mean is when I'm in pain. You often act uninterested or
unconcerned or unsupportive or unloving or unsympathetic when I'm in
pain. Maybe you're afraid of me because I get really grouchy when I'm
in pain. :-( I wish it wasn't that way, I'm sorry.

You don't USUALLY get grouchy when you're in pain* (though sometimes,
you do), and you probably just think I'm a big jerk or a big baby. Or
maybe you think I am faking it, or not in as much pain as I say I am.
Sometimes, you seem to totally forget that I'm in pain and act
surprised, even astounded, when I don't want to do something or can't.
(*I don't know how you manage that, I wish I could do it!)

What I would like would be for you to come and check on me when I'm
having a pain incident, to ask how it's going, to ask if there's
anything you could do to help. You don't need to "hang out" if you
have other things to do, but you could express interest and concern
and sympathy. If the bathroom door is closed and I've been in there a
while, you could even knock. I close it automatically, out of habit.

Perhaps it is hard to be sympathetic and supportive because my pain
and problems go on and on and on and get boring for you. It's WORSE
than boring for me—it's wearing and tiring and horrible.

One time I told you that if I'm in pain, you could say something like
"I'm sorry for your pain." I meant that as an example, but now, if you
think of it at all, you often say by rote, "I am sorry for your pain."
Sometimes I laugh, which seems mean, but come on! Couldn't you be
intelligent and sensitive enough to say, "It's really too bad you have
to suffer like this" or "Honey, I'm so sorry," or "That really sucks,
sweetie?" And, yet more difficult, I'd like you to say it like you
really meant it, not like a rote repetition, as if you CARED how I
felt. You could include a hug, or hold my hand, or kiss my forehead
or something. (Yes, you do occasionally say something nice.)

I am not saying you never do that—sometimes you come and stand beside
me or touch me, which is really nice—but that is only a small
percentage of the time. Other times, you start telling me something
totally irrelevant when I am desperately in pain and need of
comforting.

Maybe loving me when I'm in pain is like kissing (or even approaching)
a fire-breathing dragon who has just consumed an extra large dose of
sulphur.

And I cannot entirely fault you for that, but dammit, don't you have
natural sensitivity to the suffering of the person you supposedly
love? You won't be much fun or much help to me when I'm dying!

If you have something to tell me that you simply MUST share right
after one of my pain incidents, you could at least acknowledge my pain
before you launch into something irrelevant. Otherwise, I feel as if
some seemingly petty concern is more important to you than the HUGE
pain I am experiencing.

You can be such a big baby yourself-- you love to collect sympathy
from me and others--but you are not always nearly as eager to dispense
it as you are to collect it. (I'm sure none of us are, including me).
Though I must say, you do often listen well to your mother (and often
to me) when she (or I) complain.

I know I am not the most sympathetic person in the world myself, but I
do try sometimes, whenever I have the strength, to administer
sympathy, scratching, rubbing, and hugging to you.

You're prickly with tiredness and feeling fragile, and I'm prickly
with pain and feeling frail, and we're rubbing each wrong instead of
right. I wish we could both be better at this loving and supporting
stuff—it's hard for me when I'm in pain, probably hard for you when yr
tired and stressed.

I don't mean to be hard on you, but sometimes I don't think you have
any idea how hard this is on me. Being in pain is VERY LONELY. Being
in chronic BAD PAIN is even lonelier. After a while, it seems that no
one cares or understands.

Now I just spent too much time writing this—I guess I was feeling
somewhat unloved, sorry.

old lady in a rocker

2010-07-12T14:30:00.001-04:00

Somehow, when I wasn't looking, I became and old lady!

milestone

2010-06-26T09:39:00.001-04:00

Finally I have lost 25 pounds since I started my diet!

--
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
- Jack London

"A foolish faith in authority is the worst enemy of truth." Einstein, from a letter to a friend in 1901 when he was 22

"The fist is more than a sum of its fingers." Margaret Atwood

"Our truest responsibility to the irrationality of the world is to paint
or sing or write, for only in such response do we find the truth." ~Madeleine L'Engle

If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.
George S. Patton

Mary

Sleep

2010-06-25T00:46:00.005-04:00

On good days, I love laying in bed and hopefully sleeping in the morning, maybe half the time. on bad days, which seem to be more like 3/4 of the time, hate lying in bed at night--I get so restless and agitated I can't stand it!!!

I am up tonight with insomnia. Wahn!!

I don't know why some nights I can sleep and others I can't. I have a warning though--when I lie down, if I start hallucinating dream-like images while I'm awake, I probably will not sleep. Which happened tonight. Tired and wired, yawning like mad, but wide awake. And hungry!

was it the eight potato chips I ate at the end of dinner? Or the later than normal dinner?
was it the very late (but short) walk I took after 9:30 at night, about 15 minutes?
was it the worry of the day? The annoyance I felt with K and G? Or what? WHY?

WHY CAN'T I SLEEP?

Counting Sheep

2010-06-09T02:23:00.001-04:00

Counting Sheep

I force my body to lie still in the bed, tangle it with blankets

to tie it to the dark end of night, close my eyes,

and pretend to sleep, but inside my quiet legs,

my unquiet legs are running, running,

and the tattered moths my of eyes beat and beat

against the cage of my skull.

Somewhere, an invisible light keeps calling me,

a light I can't turn off, no matter how many times

I pull its chain.

I am as small as an ant. I am a song in the wind.

Sleep holds its breath and counts and counts,

but there are never enough sheep, never enough

boring stories to fix me in the womb of darkness.

I tumble like a weed, a diaspore. I am an exploding star.

A memory rising from oblivion. A haunting.

Mary Stebbins Taitt

100608-0220-1st

My brain tumor today

2010-06-08T22:13:00.001-04:00

I had my MRI today, here are the results. The tumor has grown since
the last MRI.

Insomnia! OH! :-(

2010-06-03T02:54:00.001-04:00

It's almost 3 AM and I haven't slept at all. I am up out of bed
becasue I was restless and agitated. An hour and a half ago, I took
two Tylenol PMs becasue my fibro pain was interfering with my
relaxing. It did NOT put me to sleep!

I had a normal breakfast of oatmeal and bran with rice milk, I had
shredded wheat and rice milk for lunch (not normal, but I've had it
recently without being up all night.), and for dinner, I had ntua
steaks (not normal) and a normal stir-fry. Veggies etc. Nothing
unusual.

I did take my vitamins at dinner instead of breakfast and I did not
take any melatonin and haven't been for several days. I haven't had a
bad night like this for a little while.

Sometimes, it seems that if I am angry or uset, I can't sleep. But I
was not angry or upset. Not that I know of.

I don't know what causes it, but I hate it! :-(

I wasn't angry or upset before, but I am now. :-(

Twenty Pounds!

2010-05-27T11:16:00.001-04:00

I didn't want to post about it until I was sure it was real, but I've lost 20.5 pounds since I started my new new food plan. (Otherwise known as a diet, except this needs to be life-long).

I am not, however, sleeping well, still. I was hopeing the diet would help.

Tachycardia/arrhythmia Event

2010-03-25T11:09:00.002-04:00

The Great Fish of Fear, by me

Tachycardia/arrhythmia Event Thursday, March 25, 2010, Report to Dr. Muna Beeai with questions

I was awakened at about 4:20 by BB’s alarm, went back to sleep, and woke up again around 5 AM or so with tachycardia/arrhythmia. It followed on the heels of a nightmare (scary dream), but may not be related to that. I felt a scary sense of pressure in my chest and my pulse was fast and irregular. It was not accompanied by vertigo. (I say this because I used to have incidents where the two came together.)

The event lasted 2.5-3 hours or so.

Brian P says he had such events before his thyroid was properly regulated and I wonder if mine is not properly regulated.

My previous Dr., Dr. Fazio in upstate NY, told me that in most cases, the generic drugs are comparable in their efficacy to the name brand drugs, but in the case of Synthroid, this was NOT TRUE and that the real Synthroid was better than the generic. I asked for the real thing but was given the generic. If it’s true that the real Synthroid is better, as Dr. Fazio said, perhaps I would do better with that? Can I be prescribed the real Synthroid, at least on a trial basis?

This was REALLY SCARY—I was frightened.

AND—it’s just one more annoying way to WASTE TIME and DEPRIVE me from my proper rest! (Even though I was scared and uncomfortable, I got bored lying there waiting for it to end.)

New Diet, 3-21-10

2010-03-23T09:12:00.004-04:00

I have tried repeatedly to start a series of new diets an failed. I am trying again. Since the other diets didn't work, I am going to try the OA version of abstinence, which is difficult to stick to in society, but works if I do stick to it. A1, no white sugar, A2, no white flour

3-21-10: A1, A2 (but ate potato chips and a fair number of them.) GAINED weight. However, this is okay, if in fact I succeed in becoming abstinent.
3-22-10: A1, A2 (but ate popcorn in large quantities with canola oil and salt. See above for comments.) lost a few ounces.
3-23-10: critical day. If I can get through this day on A1 and A2, it should get easier.

Stupid fibro

2010-03-13T13:27:00.001-05:00

Ouch, it hurts! :-(

Colorplay II

2010-03-10T23:02:00.002-05:00

Colorplay II, by me (click to view larger.)

What if I am the Fairy who didn't get...

2010-03-09T18:46:00.001-05:00

unfinished illo: The poison spindle

What if I am the Fairy who didn't get invited to the wedding?

How do I avoid planting a poisoned spindle?

That actually happened to me, many years ago, when a friend got married and her husband wanted my boyfriends as his best man, but we'd just had a fight, so they decided that to avoid tension, they would not invite me. I was incredibly hurt. Our friendship was never the same after that. I felt unloved and rejected. I've tried and tried to forgive. And have not succeeded as well as I would have preferred.

That's an ongoing issue for me that I'd like to resolve, but the current one is GB, who did not show up for his guitar lesson. This is the boy who "doesn't consider me family," who stopped calling me "Mom," though he called me that for many years, who doesn't want me to adopt him. Orphan boy. But it's me calling to make him doctor appointments and me calling all around trying to find him so he won't miss his guitar lesson. And there won't be any thank yous.

Do I need them? I probably shouldn't need them. I should be able to rise above it all, to continue to be loving in the face of rejection--and I keep trying--but sometimes, it's hard.

Anyone know a way to detoxify a poison spindle?

Sardinia at Night

2010-02-13T11:32:00.001-05:00

Evoking in me some sadness.

Tachycardia

2010-02-06T13:47:00.007-05:00

Report on Tachycardia incident, Feb 5, 2010, for Muna Beeai

• Wake up, 3:30, use bathroom, return to bed, can't sleep, restless

• 5 AM, turn on left side. Immediately experience heart
flutter—arrhythmia, followed by tachycardia. This is accompanied by a
sense of pain and pressure. I am afraid I am having a heart attack
and might be dying. Then I think maybe it is just gas pains from
drinking water to fast when I got up to use the bathroom. But the
speeded pulse is real.

• My fibromyalgia flares up—everything hurts—shoulders, legs, knees,
thighs, neck—I am a mass of pain. Pain and tightness in chest
continues. I have a cut on my thumb and it feels as if it is on fire
with lightning

• This continues for a couple hours and finally slowly fades way. I
sleep for a couple hours, and when I wake up, I feel not quite right,
but gradually better.

• There was no vertigo.

(click painting to view larger).

Confronting the Shadow or The Myth of Unconditional Self-love,

2010-01-14T23:21:00.001-05:00

Confronting the Shadow or The Myth of Unconditional Self-love, by Mary Stebbins Taitt. (Click image to view larger.) This is a digitally altered painted--I "smudge-painted" over a water color.) I am probably not done with it yet, but because I am working on that fellowship application, I have to set it aside.

I was depressed all day today, after bad insomniac night last night and I am not off to a very good start to this night!

10 pounds again

2009-12-21T08:55:00.004-05:00

I lost ten pounds since the day after thanksgiving. I'm at my lowest weight since 9-5-09. I'm pleased with this (YAY!), though worried I'll gain it all back over the holidays! I don't look thin, you'd probably not even notice, but less is better in this case!!

The photo is from yesterday.

Rage

2009-12-05T02:19:00.005-05:00

First, I had dizzy spells and was scared. That was Thursday. Friday, rage. And still, Saturday morning in the wee hours--I haven't tried to go to bed becasue I feel filled with rage and fury, anger, RAGE. I can't sleep when I feel this way. And I feel it for no particular good reason. I read an article that rage can be casued by brain damage, and so can dizziness, so now I am wondering if my brain tumor is causing these feelings. I am frightened by all this!

I made a painting. I don't like the painting, but it represents how I feel. There is anger and also a sense of deep sorrow--about what, I can't say--not even to myself--I mean, I don't KNOW.

Could it be something I'm eating? Am I eating too much meat? (I cooked a turkey--but would that make me dizzy?) Too much sugar? I haven't been having much. :-(

Looking at this picture makes me feel very sad. Also guilty for being so angry.

I feel so wretched and tense (tight around my heart) that I hate being inside my own skin.

Click painting to view larger.

Dizzy

2009-12-04T17:25:00.004-05:00

It wasn't as pretty as this, or this much fun! :-(

I was dizzy all day yesterday and it was scary! :-(

I felt somewhat nauseated some of the time, and lurched as if I would fall. Luckily, I did not. Everything I tried to do was difficult.

I worried all day about what it was. Here were some of my thoughts:

I have a brain tumor in the area where balance is controlled in the brain and the tumor could have grown and be impinging there. The doctor thinks this is unlikely, becasue it would affect me more constantly.
My doctor (Neurologist, Moudgil) thinks I may be having "Silent Migraines." Huh? If they are silent, then how would you know you had them?
Vertigo? I have spells of vertigo, but this particular spell was not accompanied by a spinning sensation like the others have been.
Swine flu? Some other infection or illness?
Exhaustion: I'm simply not getting enough sleep.
I even worried I was getting an aneurysm, which seems silly now, but . . .

Luckily, today I feel much better. I was really nervous yesterday.

(The fractal I made with fractalworks, a free download for Macs)

Retrovirus Implicated in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia

2009-11-20T16:32:00.001-05:00

Read story here. I'm not sure what good it is to know this unless or until the find a cure.

FREE Samples

2009-11-07T13:36:00.001-05:00

I've been so sick these past few days with a fibro flare-up, much sicker than normal, and feeling really terrible. I am of the opinion that there is a cause for everything if we only knew what it was, so I try to connect flare-ups to events in hopes of avoiding repeat performances. I was wracking my brain trying to connect this one to soemthing. Could it be crying--I had several events t cry about, a death of a friend, a difficult confrontation, etc. Or, could it be not crying--I wanted to cry--badly, the crying wanted to come out, but I was in a situation where I was embarrassed to be crying. Stress can exacerbate fibro, and I've been somewhat stressed--but not a whole lot more than usual--I always feel somewhat stressed. And reviewing my food intake, I was thinking that I'd been eating SAFE FOODS only. Then it hit me. I was grazing. Grazing on free samples. I'd gone to the Village Market just before dinner and there was a plethora of free samples laid out--sausages (5 kinds), bologna (5 kinds), chips, crackers and dips, etc etc, and as I went around, I took a small sample of each--the samples were SMALL, but there were a lot of them. I don't know this for sure, but I am suspecting the free samples. The unknown food. Bologna sometimes has milk it it--even sausage sometimes does. Bologna can have soy in it too. Luckily, so far today, I feel at least a little better. Yesterday I felt horrid.

Insomnia

2009-09-22T13:05:00.001-04:00

I hate it

insomnia notes

2009-09-22T12:06:00.001-04:00

Last night, befre I went to bed, I looked younger and prettier than I
had in a long time. This morning when I got up, I looked older and
uglier than I had in a while.

The difference: insomnia. I didn't slep last night--I was up
repeatedly. I occupied myself making fractals. It's sort of
mindless, when yr too tired to do anything else.

Last night, walking back from the Rolandale Retreat Center, where I'd
been working on writing in the Silk Creek Retreat Room III, I felt
good, happy, excited, encouraged. I'd finished another round of edits
and am getting very close to being able to mail off my manuscript.
And NOTHING HURT, which was unusual for me.

But after not sleeping all night, my eyes hurt and I am very tired.

I wonder if the food I ate contributed to my sleeplessness. Ginger is
a stimulant. I don't know about caraway. I will have to look it up.
But I'm too tired.

Domestic Violence

2009-09-14T11:57:00.004-04:00

October is national Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Month. This photo, taken in some ruins in Syracuse, NY, represents how it feels to be abused by someone you love (or don't).

Wrong

2009-09-05T12:05:00.001-04:00

After one good night, I have had a whole series of terrible nights. I didn't sleep at all last night, but slept about an hour this morning--and since I didn't sleep for a couple preceding day, I'm exhausted, my eyes are burning. SIGH!

I keep trying to find causes in hope of being able to control it. I thought the light doses and melatonin were helping--but they didn't help the last few days.

Things that might be causing a problem: late walks, arguments (upset), applesauce, coconut milk, sugar (but I haven't had much of it).

Forgiveness? Part 101

2009-09-02T09:16:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I am not sure whether or how to forgive. I feel confused.
I ask myself:

a. Jesus (What would Jesus do?) It's been suggested that we ask this when confused about how to proceed. Jesus was not always Mr. Kindness and forgiveness. He kicked over the tables of the moneychangers. He cursed a tree that wouldn't flower for him. So how do we know when to forgive and when to start kicking? (I had Sissy acting like Jesus in my kids' book, Frog Haven!)

b. Buddha (What would Buddha do?) Imperturbability? I can only FAKE IT! I can "Act as if." I can pretend. But inside is a maelstrom. It rears its ugly head when my guard is down. How can I calm the maelstrom inside?

When forgiveness?

2009-09-01T23:17:00.002-04:00

When forgiveness?

At what point does forgiveness come into the equation when there's been an argument or misunderstanding?? Does s/he have to ASK for it, apologize? I usually just forgive him or her the best I can after a while because otherwise there is too much tension. And I feel too sad. But if there's been no apology and the bad behavior continues, is forgiveness appropriate?

row

2009-09-01T19:27:00.001-04:00

I JUST had another stupid argument with my husband. It involved the passing on of hand-me-downs. MY feeling is that we should pass everything on unless it is broken or ruined in someway. (Or filthy or ripped etc.) The point we argued about was underwear (and socks).

I thought we should offer them, assuming they've been washed, since they are from a boy (our son) who at 15 doesn't poop in his pants or anything. And they are going to our grandchildren, not strangers. The father is our son's brother. The mother, our daughter-in-law, can simply throw them out if she doesn't want them--I thought we could offer her that choice. I wouldn't give them to strangers, most likely.

The fight escalated because I reminded him that he had passed on to me all of his last wife's clothes when she died. Including her underwear. He thought that was okay, but not passing Graham's underwear on to Nathaniel, our grandson. It made me feel that he thought I was not as good as his son's family, that he has a double standard. I felt hurt and angry and left the dinner table.

Each of us thinks we're right and the other is wrong and he went on to hurt my feelings and say I should go talk to a therapist about it, that he wasn't going to continue the discussion--case closed. (In other words, I'm crazy, according to him.)

More thoughts on forgiveness

2009-08-31T23:15:00.001-04:00

Notes in reponsie to my previous post (see below)(Thank you, A)

A friend just told me she thought I was very good at forgiving.

Sometimes, I think I am good at "acting"--at pretending I've forgiven--trying to make my wishes to be a forgiving person into a reality that doesn't fully exist, a sort of hyper "acting as if."

The reason I say that is because I wake up in the middle of the night obsessing about something I think I've "released." And then can't sleep.

Somethings that seem like little things--like my husband planting grass seed in my garden without asking.

I get mad at him more than anyone else. I forgive him more than anyone else. I guess that's not surprising, as we spend more time together than we do with anyone else.

But acting "as if"--as if I've forgiven him--just sort of pushes the hurt feelings deeper down where the resurface to bother me at night,

On the other hand, telling him how I feel often provokes a fight. And a long drawn out process which may include lots more to try to forgive!!

I'd like to do a better job of being human. I guess that means forgiving MYSELF for my imperfections, too!

Such Hard Work

2009-08-31T12:18:00.002-04:00

Forgiving is SUCH HARD WORK. I have to do it over and over and over and then do it yet again.

I woke up early in the wee hours of morning today, in the darkness, ANGRY yet again about something I thought I'd put behind me. Angry and then depressed. Depressed that I can't seem to let go. I'm angry about a series of relatively small things. What it it were something large? How successful would I be at forgiving?

It's easy to have a holier-than-thou attitude, for me, and think, of course I would do the right thing and be forgiving. It's so much harder to actually do it. And to continue to do it for as long as it takes to succeed.

(This sunflower is a detail from a quilt made by Marie Zeller from Grosse Pointe Michigan and displayed at the Michigan State Fair. Click on the image to view it a little larger.)

Today's Fractal

2009-08-26T11:44:00.000-04:00

I have company coming and a zillion things to do, and what am I doing?
PLAYING! BAD ME!!! (Procrastinating--never do now what I can put
off til later or til forever.)

“A life spent in the hedonistic seeki...

2009-08-19T11:16:00.001-04:00

"A life spent in the hedonistic seeking of personal pleasure is not a good or honorable life and does not lead to the greatest happiness."

(Not real happiness anyway. Empty pleasure and happiness are not the same.)

My teenage son spends very little time with BB and me. When he is with us, he is somewhat surly and unwilling to listen. I came up with the idea of emailing him very short pithy statements in hopes that he will read them in case I have something important to say--important to him, like so and so called and wants a call back. By the time he's realized I'm not conveying that kind of information, maybe he will have registered my point. Or maybe not.

I despair at this point in his becoming a real person, but I guess that's common for the mothers of teenage boys. I'm told be the time they are 35 or 40, they may actually become human again, but I may not live long enough to see it.

What I emailed to him is the part in quotes. BB thinks that PB is totally incapable of applying the wisdom to himself, of seeing the connection, of understanding that I mean HIM. He, PB, the boy, wants nothing other than to hang out with his friends, drink soda, eat junk food, and follow every whim. He constantly wants us to hand over money for foolish purchases, but he is very angry if we ask him to do anything, including clean his room or rinse his dishes and put them int he dishwasher. And he walks out without saying goodbye or telling us where he's going. (Which he just did, and when a friend calls, which one just did, I have no idea what to tell them.)

Anger

2009-08-14T14:51:00.001-04:00

This is anger. It is hot and strong and dark and scary. Anger is sad
as well as mad.

This is a left-hand (non-dominant hand) drawing.

Everyone We love VII

2009-08-10T11:46:00.000-04:00

Everyone We love VII, by Mary Stebbins Taitt

more insomnia

2009-08-10T09:10:00.001-04:00

another variant

Insomnia

2009-08-10T08:40:00.001-04:00

I had another sleepless night lastnight.

didn't sleep at all last night

2009-08-10T07:46:00.001-04:00

Just when I think I am doing a little better, I have another bad night--I was up all night. Didn't sleep all all, and now I feel wretched. I never know what causes it. I had a somewhat ordinary day foodwise--had a smoothie, thought, first one of the year, with fresh raspberries blueberries and part of a peach in white grape juice and rice milk. I was angry and upset last night, dreading the day today--I need to call and call and call trying to get an appointment to have the Rolandale house inspected. They never pick up. But we have a deadline. (I don't think the house is ready, either.) Those are the only two things I can think of--lots of sugar (no added sugar) and fruit, anxiety.

AK--Shoot the computer! Or Detroit Edison!

2009-08-06T22:53:00.001-04:00

AK--Shoot the computer! OR DET Energy (Detroit Edison)

I was working on my novels--I had thee documents open, Frog Haven, Saving Morgan Mountain, and todays Psion installment to SMM. I pasted the installment into saving Morgan Mountain, spell-checked it, did soem revisions on it, then made all the editorial corrections in this round of Frog Haven and just as I was to save everything, there was some electrical blip and everything DISAPPEARED--everything--when I restarted Word, it had recovered only the Psion installment--the other two were gone. I had just finished making the last correction in Frog Haven of all the edits sent to me. I was able to find a version of it that had ONE of those edits, but as to whether the others were there too I do not yet know. I was unable to find todays work in SMM and not only that, but yesterday's work had disappeared too (though I have a hard copy of that). I spend a half hour searching and working and repasting the new installment into SMM into yesterday's version which I located on the thumb drive, but I had spent a fair time spell checking and editing, and all that work is LOST! I have yet to ascertain how much of the new Frog Haven work was lost, if any.

We've been having brownouts and power stoppages and it makes safe computer work very difficult. NOTE: I had saved at every point along the way and it still disappeared somehow. My work was gone, in SPITE of saving. It seems impossible, but it happened. I must admit I have an unstable system that crashes a lot over at the Rolandale Retreat House.

Not neat

2009-08-05T12:58:00.001-04:00

This is my old house, but the mess has followed me and is invading the new one.

Pondering today’s discussion

2009-07-31T11:53:00.001-04:00

Pondering today's discussion, Friday, July 31, 2009

If I am driven, at least in part, by my desire to "please my father," who is dead, and if I have internalized my father as an inner father that I am still trying desperately to please, and if I somehow find healing with those inner selves so that I no longer feel driven to succeed at pleasing my inner father, will I lose the drive to create and succeed? Or will it be possible to find some "middle ground," perhaps a more balanced and pleasant one?

It frightens me to think I might lose my desire to create.

I have, perhaps, an overly active drive to be creative. I could be happy to tone it down a little and live in a more balanced way. But I don't want to LOSE it.

I have, on the one hand, a desire to be creative and a desire to succeed, BUT I also have something that stands in the way of my success—perhaps my ADHD or perhaps something deeper and more insidious. I work on projects for years and often do not complete them. I have many unfinished novels poetry manuscripts and art pieces. I write first drafts of poems, revise them once or twice, and put them aside and rarely send them out.

What I would like is to have a more balanced approach to my creativity, instead of such a driven one. I would like to work on one or two projects at a time and see them to completion and fruition and find a way to balance my "work" (writing and art etc) with family, chores, social life, pleasure, etc.

Right now, I have a tendency to neglect my chores when consumed with work.

I want to continue to work, but to do it in a more balanced and appropriate way.

I do want to heal. I feel bad inside, and have for years. I want, as the serenity prayer says, to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. (Of course, really, I want to change all the bad things to good, but I do know that's not likely to happen.)

So yeah, I want to improve my relationship with my inner father. But keep my creativity transformed in a balanced and appropriate way.

Einstein

2009-07-22T09:36:00.002-04:00

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Einstein (from Nadine at In Blue Ink)

Breathing Fire in a Vacuum

2009-07-21T14:29:00.001-04:00

Breathing Fire in a Vacuum

The glaze that films your eyes like a skim of ice
on an autumn pond worries me. When I speak,
your ear bends to the sound of a distant motorcycle
or the hum of a twin engine plane, rather than to me
and my words, and your eyes stray to flowers,10
roving insects, dead mice, anything but my face.
Shadow by shadow in the long afternoons,
your attention leaves me. And who would not
be bored with prattle about insomnia
and fibromyalgia unless they, too, housed
an invisible fire-breathing dragon? Remember Florence
going on about her heart? If anyone had listened,
could we have saved her? Can we still save us?
I think so. Pain stretches the distance between us,
but sometimes we still reel it in with a touch.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
For BB
090721-1414-1st4702

Industrial Sunset

2009-07-14T12:45:00.001-04:00

me, at the Ford Rouge Plant.

Bad Things! :-(

2009-07-14T09:57:00.001-04:00

Bad Things! :-(

Bitten! The good thing is that I finally saw Eager again and gave him peanuts and sunflower seeds. He sat on my lap and my shoulder. The bad thing is that when he wanted to play like he used to, he bit gently as usual several times, but then he bit hard enough to draw blood. WAHN! I dashed in and washed and squeezed and washed and squeezed. Guess there will be NO playing with Eager any more. WAHN!
RATS? I found two holes in ivy near the birdfeeder that could be rat holes. We can't put out rat poison or rat traps for fear of harming Eager. We may have to stop feeding. But if we do, we'll have to make a concerted effort to get and give Eager some food, though being a squirrel, he should actually be able to survive on his own now.
Tomatoes: something knocked two more tomatoes off the tomato plant at the back fence--I brought them in and put them ont he windowsill to finish ripening. They'd be better if they ripened on the "vine."
Sleep ehn! I was up in the night and awake for a while and then stayed in bed late because I was tired. I hate that because it bites into my day and work time.

Agitated and Cranky

2009-07-03T07:29:00.002-04:00

Well, I needn't have worried about feeling well for the first time in years--I am back to feeling agitated and cranky and horrid and insomniac again today.

I am not complaining but . . . I am ...

2009-07-02T14:44:00.001-04:00

I am not complaining but . . . I am feeling WELL and I don't know why

The past two days were fraught with stress and worry and lots of bad food. I ate everything I'm allergic too: chocolate, peanuts, dairy etc. I also ate snacks, fried food, drank some coke! I expected to be up all night last night and to feel absolutely terrible today. These expectations are a result of years of experience--I usually don't sleep and feel terrible after eating bad food and being stressed.

I am very grateful that in fact I not only (so far, knock on wood) slept very very well (for me), but also feel actually better than normal.

So, of course, now I want to know WHY so that I can hopefully continue to feel well. Or return to feeling well if I slip away.

So what is different? Well, I don't know.

Remember how I slept outside in a tent most of one winter because I suspected inside air of causing me problems? Because the air conditioner isn't running, we have fan in the bedroom bringing in outside air and one in the bathroom pulling it through. Could fresh outside air have a positive influence?

I can't even THINK of what else might be different.

Could it be being rescued by prince charming from all the horrors of a dead car in a distant place? I dunno.

Packing for our trip:

2009-06-15T12:42:00.001-04:00

Packing for our trip:

I just finished, finally, packing (just) my clothes for the trip to NY, Maine and New Hampshire. It's 12:30 PM and to be sure, I did my exercises and fed the birds and sat in the back yard with Eager, not knowing if I'd ever have the chance again. But still, since I had previously started gathering things, it seemed to take an inordinate length of time, running up stairs and down, to the basement, to the living room, back to the bedroom etc, to gather everything that was needed. I was collecting stuff--mainly clothing so far, for BB and for myself. I have NOT been online, not checked my email or the weather or anything, so where has the morning gone? Am I the slowest person on earth? When BB packs, he opens two drawers, counts out x number of socks, underwear and T-shirts, x being the number of days we're going, grabs a spare pair of jeans, and stuff them in a bag--voila, done! Except, lately, to save him even that time and free him for putting air in tires, oil in the engine of the car and mowing the lawn, etc, I've been doing it for him. Most of it anyway, though, for me, nothing is ever that simple! AK!

I did charge my camera batteries and downloaded the pix on the cards and cleared the cards (all except Giovanna's, which I have forgotten to do--and which I just went and did), but I did all that, except the one, yesterday. I did locate and print poems and pictures, but likewise yesterday. Today, all I accomplished so far besides hugging a squirrel, exercises and breakfast was packing the clothes. Why am I so SLOW? I hate it.

Alfalfa!!!

2009-06-11T11:55:00.002-04:00

Alfalfa!!!

I'd been feeling somewhat better for a while, then worse, and yesterday morning and early afternoon, I was fairly good, then BAM, got very bad, bad fibro pain and a terrible night. The fibro pain was extreme at times and I unable to move or walk, and since I was out and walking on my way to dinner, for our anniversary, I had to stop and wait for the pain--fibro and IBS--to pass. Then walk, then wait, then walk, then wait. This was followed by an agitated night and insomnia.

I just realized the probable cause: alfalfa sprouts that I had with my lunch. I am not certain of this, of course, BUT it seems quite likely. Alfalfa is a legume, and the two things that seem to affect me worst are dairy products and legumes.

However, I must admit that I have lately been having worse insomnia again, and that was NOT related to alfalfa.

Another bad night

2009-06-11T09:15:00.001-04:00

I did NOT have a good night last night.

I was furious at BB and PB--at Piano Boy for not doing his practicing and at BB for not doing anything about it. Over the summer we asked for 15 minutes a day when he is home and he will be away for two two week periods starting shortly. 15 minutes is not that much out of 24 HOURS and he says he wants to be a musician. And I am the step mother so BB needs to step up to the plate and at least make a reasonable attempt to induce him to practice, which he did not.

It was too hot in the house and I don't sleep well when I am angry. I wish I did not get SO angry when other people are idiots. This was the 4th or 5th night of bad sleep and my fibro is getting worse and worse.

It seems to me that PB does not really want to be a musician--if he really did, practicing would be fun and important to him.

Not Sleeping, Again

2009-06-07T02:22:00.001-04:00

Not Sleeping, Again

After a period of sleeping somewhat better and feeling somewhat better, I am now in my third night of insomnia and getting increasingly tired. I'm annoyed and sad to be awake after 2 AM. I want to be asleep! I want to be asleep now.

I don't know what causes the insomnia to go away or to come back, but I do know that when I have it, it messes up my life. I get cranky and irritable, I'm tired and get less done, I feel rotten, my fibromyalgia gets worse.

I'm inclined to blame it on diet, but can't pinpoint what. I had white bread and garlic today in the spaghetti. I had dairy yesterday, not much, but a little. I've been eating bread.

BB tries to blame it on worry.

I am worried, but not horribly. I am worried about:

BB's job/our financial security
the mess
the Rolandale house
the squirrel
Donna/Donna's death/the celebration
my writing projects/getting done/getting published
my aging and health
my feeling overwhelmed (a result, in part, of not getting enough sleep!)
my diet
my insomnia! (AK!) (Vicious circle!)

I'm going to try to go back to bed. If I am still awake a half hour after I go to bed, I may get back up--I'm not just awake, I'm agitated. Sometimes, I'm awake, but can lie there relaxed and rest--that's better than being agitated and unable to lie still.

note to PB

2009-05-18T12:41:00.002-04:00

Monday, 5-18-09

Dear PB--

I think you must have been the one to take the shopping backpack and I needed to go shopping so I took YOUR OLD BACKPACK!

Sorry, but I needed it, and mine was missing.

Love, Mom

Freewrite for Poetry 090512

2009-05-12T12:46:00.001-04:00

Freewrite for Poetry 090512

I have just had an hour-long episode of vertigo that has left me feeling nauseous, dizzy and worried. I made a note of it for my doctor, who I happen to be going to on Friday, Muna Beeai. She's my GP. My neurologist thinks it could be silent migraines. I am afraid to do my normal morning exercises, because I am feeling dizzy and I am worried the vertigo will start up again--it came in two batches this morning, first lasting only 2-3 minutes, and then when I thought it was over, I moved and it started up again. So now, of course, Ia m afraid to move.

Oh-oh, appears my fears were well-founded--I just moved and it DID start up again, with a vengeance. 8:40 start. Room spinning bad. I keeled over to the left. Hit my head, not hard. Curled in a ball on the floor waiting for it to subside. Burst into a terrible sweat. Managed to crawl--literally--over to the computer and get into my chair. It seems to be subsiding again. 8:50 on Leo's clock, seems to have mostly stopped--ten more minutes of vertigo--but I think it is still with me and will return if I move.

OK, so let me start this freewrite again. I'm feeling dizzy, nauseous, worried, frightened. The room is spinning--OK--not spinning, holding relatively still now. But I'm afraid it will spin again. There is an odd dull feeling on my left side. That is, the left side of my head--I think it is starting to hurt. I had a lot to do today, and I am bummed about that as well, but also worried about what causes these spells of vertigo. Dr. Moudgil says it could be migraines, but it was also suggested that it might be a smalls stroke or a seizure. It's very scary, especially when I fall suddenly. That fall was very reminiscent of the time in Hamilton, Ontario where I suddenly lurches to the left and bumped into the wall of the hall. Nothing more happened then, but I did the same thing just now--lurched suddenly to the left.

The sun is shining brightly and I would like to go outside. I need to feed the squirrel, rocky, the wild birds and clean Rocky's cage and Eager's cage and make breakfast and shower and dress and get going on my tasks for the day. BUT I am afraid to move.

I can think of nothing unusual that I ate yesterday, only things I've been eating fairly regularly: steel cut oats, brain, rice milk, pork, calamari, shrimp, scallops, mushrooms, broccoli, yellow squash. I feel pretty sick. I can't do this, I have to go lie down.

10:00 I've had two more incidents of vertigo and still feel sick. 9:11-9:14, 9:40-9:55 accompanied by sweating and nausea. Fairly bad vertigo and nausea--probably not four incidents, but one long one, not over yet. It's been THREE HOURS NOW--I feel like it's wasting my whole day on the one hand and on the other hand, am quite scared. Worried about what it is and means. I got up out of bed because I have to pee and get a drink. I also need to feed the squirrel, but that involves bending over, which tends to exacerbate the problem.

More than 3 hours of vertigo, during which time I was unable to accomplish anything and spent most of the time in bed. Finally got up, made breakfast, sat out in the yard next to the shadow of the silver maple in the neighbor's yard--that is, I was in our yard, but the maples is on theirs. I had a weird experience where a shadow appeared on my hand that did not seem to come from the tree.

Vertigo Shadows

At the edge of a shadow cast by the neighbor's oak,
sun shines on my face, a breeze rustles my hair
and the shadow of the oak shifts and wriggles, restless
and hungry, withdrawing and then approaching
my bare toes, over and over while the whole dancing
shadow with it's patches of sun slides slowly closer.
Shadows of leaves, shadows of branches, shadows
of baby acorns nestled among the leaves. Shadows
of robins passing each other with worms and insects,
shadows of their babies opening wide their mouths.
A touch of cold startles me. I look down to see darkness
on my hands, isolated and with no visible source
from the tree. The deep, cloudless sky throws no shadows,
but the shadow on my wrist expands toward my heart.
Compelled to drink from that well of night. I bend toward
my hands. A black wave engulfs me. The earth tilts, the sky
spins and the tree lurches. I smell bruised grass, damp soil.
Feel tiny pebbles mashed into my cheek. Sweating
and cold, I watch the jonquils and tulips leap jaggedly
in the garden. Jump and twist spasmodically. On my knees,
my body curls in Bala-asana, the child pose, and I close
my eyes to still the jumping. The darkness
behind my eyes turns and jerks raggedly. I breathe
slowly. Feel a passing chill, another shadow.
I open my eyes to see a vulture circling, its shadow
passing over me again and again.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
090512-1229-1st

NOTE: This did NOT happen as written, but is a combination of the earlier experience of vertigo with the later experience of the shifting shadows and the mysterious one on my hand.

Insomnia

2009-05-04T04:52:00.001-04:00

Insomnia

It's 2 Am and I am up and don't want to be. Insomnia is a plague. I have not had one single wink of sleep and I am very tired and want to sleep.

It's 3 Am and I am still up and still itchy and agitated.

4:50 Am still up, still NO SLEEP, still itchy and agitated. I worked on a poem. Posted it to The Smell of Sun and Half-Formed.

PB Skips School Again

2009-04-29T10:18:00.001-04:00

PB Skips School Again

I drove PB to school because it was raining and he had to bring his sports jacket, tie and a nice shirt. But I thought that was for after school and he did not enlighten me.

Shortly after three, I called JG, J's Dad, to find out if J had given him PB's paperwork for Blue Lake--they have to send it in together if they want to room together. J picked up the phone too and asked in an agitated voice if PB was there. Both of them should still have been in school. J said they had a half day when I asked why HE wasn't in school. He said he thought PB was at S's but S wasn't picking up. I was already annoyed, because PB hadn't mentioned a half day and why had I driven him with his fancy clothes then if there was no rehearsal--then J said, PB was not at rehearsal. So I was thinking that during the half day, there'd been a rehearsal. THEN J said they were leaving in 15 minutes for rehearsal and couldn't find PB. PB carpools with J and they drive there (to North, 15 minutes away, so half hour round trip not counting the waiting). So I called S's and S answered and I asked for PB and I heard S whispering to PB, "It's Mary, do you want to talk to her?" He did and I asked why he skipped rehearsal and he said because he didn't have his black pants. Where were they? At North. I told him the Js were looking for him and he said he'd call them.

I looked at the calendars and there was no scheduled half day. EB, the choir teacher, arranged for the kids to miss their other classes for a big Dolly rehearsal yesterday afternoon. Which means that the rehearsal was a required school activity--choir is a SCHOOL class, not an after school class. Which means that PB was playing hooky, which is illegal, of course. He just took off and didn't bother going to his academic classes or choir. Whether he'll get caught or get in trouble is yet to be seen. But he gets graded in choir and that grade gets averaged in and E has said that absences to required practices are zeros. (Also, my driving him was wasted). BB was annoyed also because PB had taken HIS sports jacket, tie and shirt--without permission, and had NOT brought them home again and where were they--shoved in his locker? Then I was worried that he might not go to the second rehearsal for fear of reprisals. But BB said he would and he did.

He's been having required rehearsals 3:45-9:30 and sometimes 10 every night and on on Saturdays and Sundays! No other life. Including academic! Or sports. He went out for track three years in a row (and did very well), but this year could not because of Dolly. His grades are suffering terribly. As is his piano. He didn't practice at all last week or yet this week. I'm worried and upset--it's $25/week for lessons and he was doing so well and is now doing nothing and the recital is coming up.

Not only that, but BB has said that he is going to wash his hands of it all and let PB sink or swim on his own. I am furious with him (both of them)(bother them!) PB is still a child and need guidance and discipline; you can't abdicate your parental responsibilities. It's hard for me as the step mother to exert much control. I'm in a difficult position. I'm confused what to do--now I am trying to get TWO of them back in line with no support. I'm pretty upset about it all.

Insomnia

2009-04-29T10:07:00.001-04:00

Insomnia

I had a really bad night last night. The worst in some time. I keep trying to figure out what triggers that bad nights, in hopes of altering the trigger so I don't have them. Possible reasons for bad night: Okra? LATE walk? wine? (I had one swallow, plus what I'd had in the gumbo--but I've done that before without that same consequence), late night emailing before bed? Feeling worried and overwhelmed? Trouble with poem I am working on? Talking with Brian Powers? Being upset with PB re; skipping school? Or? WHAT? I had brain fog yesterday for a while, and felt quite depressed (after the incident with PB skipping school.)

Poop Samples, icky

2009-04-29T09:51:00.001-04:00

Poop Samples, icky

I've been having a series of tests:

bone density
MRI
mammograms (several sets)
ultra sounds of breast
breast biopsy
urinalysis
sleep study
etc etc etc one thing after another. AK!

But now I am having a poop test. They gave me a card with three windows and each window has two slides and, after a special diet (eg no beef or citrus) and not taking certain pills (eg aspirin and vit C), every day for three days, I have to save a poop and smear the poop from two different spots onto the two slides. It's icky smelly work. I have one more day to go and am NOT looking forward to it. UGH!

No Escape

2009-04-07T20:47:00.001-04:00

No Escape, by Mary Stebbins Taitt. Abuse is hell.

Report on Biopsy Procedure

2009-04-06T14:50:00.001-04:00

Report on Biopsy Procedure

I am back from my biopsy. I am feeling light-headed (slightly) and a little out of it. Not exactly well, but nothing bad I can put my finger on. A slight pressure in my head, tiredness.

Here's what happened:

I went to the ultrasound desk at Beaumont hospital, checked in. The receptionist had my name and put a wrist band on. I hadn't had a wristband for the mammograms or ultrasounds, so immediately I knew this would be a little more invasive." (Of course, I already knew that, e en though it's my first in situo biopsy.) I waited past my appointment time and was just starting to antsy (15-20 minutes later) when a woman called my name. She was Nancy, the person to whom I'd spoken in the phone, the one who had made the arrangements. She took me to the ultrasound room--looked like the same room where I'd had my previous ultrasound and had me strip down and put on a gown with the opening in the front and sit on the ultrasound bed while she checked my wrist band and ask me questions--the SAME questions she'd asked on the phone and I already answered--while she filled out forms. She asked my name, date of birth, why I was there. Checked my wristband.

Then another lady came in. These were NOT the same women who gave me my previous ultrasounds. (So maybe it was a different room?) Nancy is blond and tall and middle-aged (younger than me, maybe 50?) and the second woman had an accent. At first it was very noticeable, but after a little while, I didn't notice it at all any more. She asked my name, date of birth, and why I was there and checked my wrist band, She was short and dressed in dark blue scrubs--the first one, Nancy was in pale blue scrubs. L2 was the ultrasound lady and she looked with the ultrasound for the lump they were going to biopsy. They had the images from last time on the light box and I had looked at them to see what lump looked like (I'd been studying lumps on-line to see what I could learn about them). I had wanted to take a picture of the lump with the little camera I'd had in my pocket, but by the time I got dressed, I'd forgotten and just wanted to go home. DARN!

After she found the lump--and I could see it on the screen--she went out looking for the doctor, who came in and identified himself. Meanwhile, Nancy had hooked me up to a blood-pressure monitor and heartbeat monitor. My blood pressure was really good (even though I was a little nervous--eek)--and my pulse was also really good.

The doctor, who was Italian and must have thought I was, too, because he kept talking to me in Italian--(and I am but I was too nervous to even pretend I understood--although I did understand a little, scrubbed my breast with turquoise stuff--antiseptic and then told me to turn my head to the side and he sprayed me with numbing pray which did not smell very good--kind of what one might expect. He asked me my name, date of birth, why I was here. And checked my wristband. Then he said, "bee sting." and explained that he was going to give me shot to numb the breast tissue. He actually gave me several. I could feel it--it was milder than a bee stig--it hurt, but less than a shot normally does--like a little prick as opposed to a big one.

Then he got out the biopsy device. It looks a bit like a large needle, only much more complex. It has a gun-like trigger and parts--metal tubes--that fit inside the needle-like part. I was feeling slightly queasy and fearful--I was afraid it would really hurt--the thing was HUGE--literally like 10-12 inches long! EEK! It was a scary-looking tool. I could see him inserting it on the monitor--and I could feel a sense of pressure and a hint of pain and also something deeper--like pain I couldn't feel--don't know how to explain it--it didn't really hurt. It hurt a little, but very little, less than my normal fibromyalgia pain. But it was still upsetting--dunno how to explain it--I remained very calm externally, but inside I was getting a little dissociated. After he'd gone in 3-4 times with this device, he said, "almost done." Then went in twice more. Each time, I expected it to start hurting worse, in part because of my previous bad experience with anesthesia. Usually, they don't give me enough and then proceed to hurt me. But in this case, there was never any real conscious pain, just that sense of pain I couldn't feel that was making me queasy. Also the sight of that gian needle entering my breast on the monitor--pushing its way through the tissue--I could see the tissue giving and tearing a little as the needle went through it.

When he said he was done, I asked if I could see the samples and he handed me test tube with little bits of my body in it, swirling around--because he kept shaking it--like little eels or snakes. They were maybe a 16th of an inch wide and half an inch long and curly. I hope he got some of the right part. Some of the lump.

I'm still feeling slightly out of it, slightly headachey, slightly queasy. And tired. I just want to lie down. I have an ice pack Ia m supposed to keep on my breast ten minutes on and ten off, and I am supposed to wear a bra to bed and do no heavy lifting etc.

I am sure I'll be fine soon. It really wasn't that big a deal.

Now I have to wait 3-7 days for the results of the biopsy.

The Insomnia report

2009-03-18T00:13:00.001-04:00

Insomnia Report

I went to bed an hour ago and I just got back up. I hadn't slept a
wink and was wide awake and bored with lying in bed. I am tired. I
keep yawning. But I can't sleep. I feel restless and agitated.

I don't really want to be awake! or up.

Today, my fibromyalgia was better than yesterday (it was really bad
yesterday) until evening, when we went for an extra sunset walk and it
was BAD!

Mammogram

2009-03-12T20:43:00.004-04:00

When I went to Mick Mather art blog, I saw this picture and thought it looked like breasts laying on thorns--like two women at the edge of a thorn hedge, their breasts on the hedge. I wrote that to Mick, and my word verification was FATED! :-(

I just had a mammogram today that was full of shadows.

Seeing that combination--breasts, thorns and fated, scared me. I am hoping that shadows are fibrocystis and not cancer.