New Diet, 3-21-10

I have tried repeatedly to start a series of new diets an failed. I am trying again. Since the other diets didn't work, I am going to try the OA version of abstinence, which is difficult to stick to in society, but works if I do stick to it. A1, no white sugar, A2, no white flour

3-21-10: A1, A2 (but ate potato chips and a fair number of them.) GAINED weight. However, this is okay, if in fact I succeed in becoming abstinent.
3-22-10: A1, A2 (but ate popcorn in large quantities with canola oil and salt. See above for comments.) lost a few ounces.
3-23-10: critical day. If I can get through this day on A1 and A2, it should get easier.

Stupid fibro

Ouch, it hurts! :-(

Colorplay II

Colorplay II, by me (click to view larger.)

What if I am the Fairy who didn't get...

unfinished illo:  The poison spindle

What if I am the Fairy who didn't get invited to the wedding?

How do I avoid planting a poisoned spindle?

That actually happened to me, many years ago, when a friend got married and her husband wanted my boyfriends as his best man, but we'd just had a fight, so they decided that to avoid tension, they would not invite me.  I was incredibly hurt.  Our friendship was never the same after that.  I felt unloved and rejected.  I've tried and tried to forgive.  And have not succeeded as well as I would have preferred.

That's an ongoing issue for me that I'd like to resolve, but the current one is GB, who did not show up for his guitar lesson.  This is the boy who "doesn't consider me family," who stopped calling me "Mom," though he called me that for many years, who doesn't want me to adopt him.  Orphan boy.  But it's me calling to make him doctor appointments and me calling all around trying to find him so he won't miss his guitar lesson.  And there won't be any thank yous. 

Do I need them?  I probably shouldn't need them.  I should be able to rise above it all, to continue to be loving in the face of rejection--and I keep trying--but sometimes, it's hard.

Anyone know a way to detoxify a poison spindle?

Sardinia at Night

Evoking in me some sadness.

Tachycardia

Report on Tachycardia incident, Feb 5, 2010, for Muna Beeai

• Wake up, 3:30, use bathroom, return to bed, can't sleep, restless

• 5 AM, turn on left side. Immediately experience heart
flutter—arrhythmia, followed by tachycardia. This is accompanied by a
sense of pain and pressure. I am afraid I am having a heart attack
and might be dying. Then I think maybe it is just gas pains from
drinking water to fast when I got up to use the bathroom. But the
speeded pulse is real.

• My fibromyalgia flares up—everything hurts—shoulders, legs, knees,
thighs, neck—I am a mass of pain. Pain and tightness in chest
continues. I have a cut on my thumb and it feels as if it is on fire
with lightning

• This continues for a couple hours and finally slowly fades way. I
sleep for a couple hours, and when I wake up, I feel not quite right,
but gradually better.

• There was no vertigo.

(click painting to view larger).

Confronting the Shadow or The Myth of Unconditional Self-love,

Confronting the Shadow or The Myth of Unconditional Self-love, by Mary Stebbins Taitt. (Click image to view larger.) This is a digitally altered painted--I "smudge-painted" over a water color.) I am probably not done with it yet, but because I am working on that fellowship application, I have to set it aside.

I was depressed all day today, after bad insomniac night last night and I am not off to a very good start to this night!

10 pounds again

I lost ten pounds since the day after thanksgiving. I'm at my lowest weight since 9-5-09. I'm pleased with this (YAY!), though worried I'll gain it all back over the holidays! I don't look thin, you'd probably not even notice, but less is better in this case!!

The photo is from yesterday.

Rage

First, I had dizzy spells and was scared. That was Thursday. Friday, rage. And still, Saturday morning in the wee hours--I haven't tried to go to bed becasue I feel filled with rage and fury, anger, RAGE. I can't sleep when I feel this way. And I feel it for no particular good reason. I read an article that rage can be casued by brain damage, and so can dizziness, so now I am wondering if my brain tumor is causing these feelings. I am frightened by all this!

I made a painting. I don't like the painting, but it represents how I feel. There is anger and also a sense of deep sorrow--about what, I can't say--not even to myself--I mean, I don't KNOW.

Could it be something I'm eating? Am I eating too much meat? (I cooked a turkey--but would that make me dizzy?) Too much sugar? I haven't been having much. :-(

Looking at this picture makes me feel very sad. Also guilty for being so angry.

I feel so wretched and tense (tight around my heart) that I hate being inside my own skin.

Click painting to view larger.

Dizzy

It wasn't as pretty as this, or this much fun! :-(

I was dizzy all day yesterday and it was scary! :-(

I felt somewhat nauseated some of the time, and lurched as if I would fall. Luckily, I did not. Everything I tried to do was difficult.

I worried all day about what it was. Here were some of my thoughts:

• I have a brain tumor in the area where balance is controlled in the brain and the tumor could have grown and be impinging there. The doctor thinks this is unlikely, becasue it would affect me more constantly.
  
• My doctor (Neurologist, Moudgil) thinks I may be having "Silent Migraines." Huh? If they are silent, then how would you know you had them?
• Vertigo? I have spells of vertigo, but this particular spell was not accompanied by a spinning sensation like the others have been.
• Swine flu? Some other infection or illness?
• Exhaustion: I'm simply not getting enough sleep.
• I even worried I was getting an aneurysm, which seems silly now, but . . .
  

Luckily, today I feel much better. I was really nervous yesterday.

(The fractal I made with fractalworks, a free download for Macs)