Dove Eggs Again: the nest tips further and further but the remaining two eggs still hang on the brim, doomed. Sometimes, during fibro flare-ups, I feel as if this is me. 

DUH!

I tell myself I will avoid wheat for a few days and then I look in the refridgerator and can't find anything to eat so I make myself two slices of whole wheat toast. Hope I don't get sick!

Fibro's Unbearable Darkness of Being

OK, so it is not really unbearable or I would have committed suicide, but sometimes it is pretty close to it!

Yesterday I felt great—pretty good, anyway, all day long, but last night I suddenly was attacked internally by unbearable—almost unbearable--grouchiness and irritability, and I became itchy (all over) and restless. I couldn’t sleep at all. Everything started hurting.

I didn’t get my regular exercise yesterday, in part because I was diddling around all day with Silk Creek Review and in part because we had Graham’s celebration of learning last night and then went birthday present shopping. My new rheumatologist, Ami Milton, says exercise is one of the most important factors in the control of fibromyalgia, which she reminds me is a “syndrome” and not a disease.

But, while this may be the case, the sudden onset of symptoms in this case was probably NOT caused by my sudden lack of exercise, but by eating something I am “allergic” to. Dr. Milton thinks I may have celiac disease, in which case I would be allergic to wheat. But I am have been eating a slice of whole wheat bread at every meal and still feeling good, so I was suspecting something else. Here’s what I ate last night: hot wings, beer (beer is good with hot wings), and a bowl of Wheat Chex with hazelnut milk. Chicken should not be an issue; I eat that and feel fine. Beer is one of those things that could be an issue—I’m not supposed to drink it because of my sleep apnea. Wheat is a possible problem (Wheat Chex), but even more than that I am at the moment suspecting the hazelnut milk—because I had a similar attack driving here a few days ago. And on the trip I ate sweetened nuts. So I suspect either the nuts themselves or the sweetener.

I want to regain my good health on an elimination diet (not eat those items) and then try individually reintroducing them, one at a time, and see if I get sick. I hate doing that because I hate getting sick, but on the other hand, if nuts make me sick, or sugar makes me sick, I need to avoid them. And how else can I find out?

If you have an enlightening comment, or any comment at all, please leave it!

Watching the Mountains

Colorado Sunflowers and Mountains, by Mary Stebbins Taitt. Oops, this was posted here by mistake and was supposed to be at a different blog and time. But I will leave it, since this is such a heavy blog, maybe to cheer myself or anyone who happens to be looking aorund!

Wednesday 9/21/94 Brainard Lake, Colorado, Snowing

I am feeling sick. Everything hurts. My allergies are really bothering me. It's been snowing and blowing and my nose is running. The sickness is keeping me awake at night which increases my tiredness. What I would really like to do is sleep until I feel better, but I can't sleep because of my allergies.

I wanted to move on, but I may stay here by default because I feel too tired, sick and low energy to do anything. I don't even want to hike up to Blue Lake, I just want to sleep. I can't fathom the energy it would take to take down the tent and pack it in the car.

Out the front window of my car are massive spectacular mountains. Out the back window, a man about my age or a little younger is throwing a stick for a dog. He is wearing a ski sweater and hat and is relatively attractive. The sun is shining through red and orange heather and the long red feathers on the dog's tail, creating a potential prize photo, but I sit here in a tired sick lump and make no attempt to capture it. Instead I think about being a woman alone without a man, about men in my life who threw sticks for dogs and are now gone.

The sky is partly cloudy, snow is falling and a brilliant sun is also shining and melting the edges of the snow patches on the mountains. It is window and cold and my hands are still thawing from when I was out.I lay about, half sleeping, dozing, thrashing, hurting, a dull headache at my temples. I have absolutely no energy (or so little as to be unavailable). I don't want to move at all. I don't even feel like reading. I just want to go back to sleep.

Last night, I got up at 1:19 AM. I was quite light out even though it was overcast. I could clearly see the mountains. I thought it was morning and that my watch had stopped. I fiddled with the watch and finally realized that it really was the wee hours of morning. I went back to bed.

There's an old saying that in order to get energy, you have to expend energy, but what if you have no energy to expend?What a vacation. I drove three days across the whole US to be here in these mountains and I am too sick to do anything. I paid for gas and am paying for this campsite, and I can't move. I don't even want to write about it; it seems like waste of time and besides, it takes more energy that I have at the moment. AK! Wahn!