Feeling STUCK with various issues

We have a variety of issues, many of which are due in part of entirely to my illness.  But we/I also have communication problems. 

I have written this note to BB, but I also need to figure out things I can do differently to help change things for the better.

Things you need to know about me:

1. I do not beg.  I might, if someone put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, but it would be coerced. I will ask for what I want sometimes.  But not repeatedly.  For example, if I tell you I am really tired and want to go to bed and you choose to ignore me, I assume you have things you want to do.
   
2. I do not make demands and issue orders except under special circumstances, e.g.:  if you have offered to help cook a meal and need instruction.  I will not tell you to go do the laundry, chop up the leaves, etc, I assume you're a responsible adult capable of doing what needs to be done without prodding.  I do not believe that I am in charge.  I also do not believe that you are in charge.  I believe we have a partnership.  But communication is essential to a partnership, and we need help with that.
   
3. I do not stand and wait, because it hurts my hips.  When I am in a lot of pain, I want to keep walking to get somewhere and sit down.  I also do not stand and, for example, look at the stars for extended periods, especially late at night or after walking, because that not only hurts my hips and feet, but also my neck.
   
4. I do not sit and wait, if I can avoid it, unless I have something to do.  This is because I get bored and agitated thinking of everything that needs to be done while I am sitting there doing nothing.  Clear communication is essential if we are to accomplish anything together.  For example, if we are planning to go somewhere together or to do something together (e.g.: yard work), you need to let me know when you are READY if I am doing something else!  I am probably waiting for you.
   
5. I do not go to bed before you, except when I am genuinely ill.  This is because I often cannot sleep, and I never sleep readily when I first lay down (except under very special circumstances).  If I go to bed first, I lie there waiting for you and getting agitated and bored and then I am more likely to not sleep at all, all night.
6. I am not obligated to know or remember (or do) ANYTHING.  When I do not sleep for days on end, my memory disappears for even the simplest things.  This is beyond my control; I do not know how to make myself sleep and how to make myself remember when I do not sleep.  Making fun of me or being unkind about it is stupid, mean, unproductive and likely to cause a serious rift.
7. When I am really sick, you need to take over responsibilities.  You do this well sometimes, but not other times.  Sometimes, I am truly incapable of doing things that require standing, for example.
   
8. Lack of sleep for days on end makes me extremely tired and cranky (GROUCHY!)  This is something I cannot seem to control once I get in that state.  Yelling at me because I'm exhausted and cranky and can't help it just makes things WORSE!  If you are tired and cranky too, we should consider planning activities that do not put us in close contact.
   
9. I think we need couples counseling and family therapy and I think PB needs help/counseling.  We need assistance learning to communicate with each other because we fail at it miserably.  PB need to work on his attitude and maybe be evaluated.
10. I desperately need regular contact with nature and WILDNESS (e.g.:  more nature than one can find in the city.)  We need to work on solving this issue or I will be forever unhappy.  I don't seem to be able to change this need; it's deeply ingrained in me.
    
11. I need HELP solving the issues of workspace and storage space.  I will not be happy until we get the boxes out of the living spaces.  I need help dealing with the stuff in boxes.  I would like you to help me.
    
12. I believe that YOU are the one PRIMARILY responsible for giving PB discipline and orders.  1)You are his father.  2)I am a STEPMOTHER.  Being a stepmother and interloper gives me much less power and authority.  You need to step up to the plate.
13. I will not throw away or move PW's things by myself because I don't know what's yours and what's hers and what you want.  If we are ever to get things in order, I will NEED YOUR HELP!  I am still living like a guest in this house, which makes me feel unloved and unwanted (and like leaving and going elsewhere.)  I know PW needs to be remembered and cherished--I'd want to be remembered if I died.  However, I need space in the house and PW is not coming back.  She doesn't need her books and other items.

We cannot change other people.  We can tell them what we want, but we cannot change them; we can only change ourselves.  So, I need to ask myself, in what ways can I CHANGE MYSELF that would help solve some of these issues we have. 

• I can work at trying to solve my health issues so I get enough sleep and feel better and am less cranky, grouchy and reactive.
• I could get therapy and try to deal with some of these issues.  (But of course, that would mean a struggle with someone other than myself).  I could, in therapy, perhaps learn to communicate better.
  
• I could LEAVE BB and move away to a place where I feel more comfortable and closer to nature--but I would be very sad to leave him.
• I could take assertiveness training.  (Yet again).
• I could spend less time doing art and writing etc and more time sorting through boxes.  (But I need soemwhere to work).
  
• To tell you the truth, I am at my wit's end and don't really know how to solve these issues or what to do.
• I can take ONE DAY AT A TIME and do my best.  EASY DOES IT but DO IT!
• I can ask for help (asking for help is NOT the same as begging, I have too remind myself of that), work the steps, take action however small.  Starting NOW--I need to do soemthing, not write.

I feel a little stuck--I need to BREAK OUT and make some changes.

Putting the cart before the horse

I think decluttering is ESSENTIAL for clearing and healing, but before I can even do that, I have to get back to eating properly.  I am feeling utterly exhausted and terrible and it is hard for me to work at all when I am this tired.  I've gotten a small start on eating better today, and tomorrow I will try to work even harder at it.  I need to create a plan.  But I don't have time right now.

A Light in the Darkness.

I am very depressed.

This picture I made tonight is a light in the darkness.

I had another fight with BB tonight. :-(

I love you too!

Biker Buddy took this of Piano Boy last night. Then they had a huge
"tussle" while Piano Boy tried to erase the picture from the camera.

Lying Awake with the Rubber Backbone

Your son doesn't know that you lie awake all night,

listening for his arrival. No phone call, no note, no word

from him, no idea of his whereabouts. He's just decided

to have a sleepover and not let us know, your husband says,

trying to reassure you. He's grounded from sleepovers

so he knows we'll deny him. Of course, that was what you

imagine, too. What you want to believe. You want him safe,

having fun. Thoughtlessly happy and safe.

Safe. And then you imagine priests and predators

and all the terrible things that happen to young teens,

those things that fill the lurid headlines you try to refuse

to read or hear. What if he's in trouble, desperately

hoping for rescue, while you both lie in bed, doing nothing

but staring at the dark ceiling, watching patterns of light shift

with each passing cars? Fewer and fewer cars pass,

less and less often the dim rainbow squares slide

across the flat black sky as the red numerals on the clock

slowly turn, minute by minute. Should you notify the police

of his failure to return? I don't expect him home until late

tomorrow, your husband says. He's probably right,

but you want to kick him, for not sounding worried

enough. Your son, wherever he is, can't see you lying here,

turning your backs to each other, worried, angry, fearful.

He can't imagine being old, can't imagine a heart

other than his own, beating into the darkness,

and if he could, he wouldn't care. Nor can he picture you

at fourteen. He doesn't believe that you can and cannot

remember what is was like to be his age. He imagines

your lives, if he thinks of them at all, so different from his

as to be irrelevant. Useless. All that matters to him

is his own immediate pleasure, and not the consequences

of his actions or the pain he causes others. Tomorrow,

when he's hungry, he'll return, pretending nothing happened,

because if nothing happened, there with be no punishment.

He will want not what you eat, what you carefully, lovingly prepared,

but soda, double chocolate Milano cookies, microwave mac and cheese.

He will complain bitterly if the freezer isn't stocked

to his preferences. Your husband, feeling exhausted, spineless

and limp on his 63rd birthday, will hide in his painting and do

and say exactly what his son wanted, nothing, giving the boy

permission for more of the same. You, his wife will imagine divorce,

a quiet cabin in the country. Freedom from the having to care

for anyone unable to return an ounce of love. When the lights

on the ceiling increase again and then fade into dawnlight and the boy

has not returned, you know it will get worse before it gets better.

Or it will never get better. If the boy survives

to return, it's all downhill forever, as it always was.

Mary Taitt, 081020-1141-1b

INSOMNIA!

Why is it that the night before I start out on a long trip and need to be alert to drive, I cannot sleep--this happens so often! It's 2:15 AM and I have yet to sleep a wink.

Away message

I am leaving tomorrow at some undetermined point to drive to Harbor Spring Michigan for a writer's retreat. I got a partial scholarship--YAY! I may not be posting until I return Monday. I expect to be very busy retreating.
--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary

Since we last spoke

• I made myself an utterly totally scrumptious lunch:  spring rolls a la Mary and bran with blueberries
• I watered the African violets Dawn gave me and the ivy in the stairwell
• I put a load of laundry in the dryer and one in the washer
  
• I folded two loads of laundry, carried them up and put them away
• I read and responded to a note from my sister-in-law regarding the terrible anyeurism and stroke of my ex-sister-in-law and friend who is only in her fifties
  
• I wept
  

WHAT THE HELL????????!!!!!!!!! (GAK!)

The shower[1] was running slow this morning. So after I showered,[2] I pulled up the cage in the drain, which was full of course of hair, but also leaves, paint chips and something large and smelly—SHIT! Fecal matter—large chunks of bowel movement ¾ inch to an inch in diameter. I had to dig it out with my fingers! GAK! And this was after I had showered. I almost hurled.

WHAT THE HELL!! ???? !!!!

Next time the shower drain is running slowly, I will let BB know.

---

[1] Also, the water had NOT been turned down and the showerhead had not been turned down! :-(

[2] Also, someone called while I was in the shower but doesn't seem to have left a message. :-(

Easy-Does-it Sick Day #2

I'm still sick, but I am incrementally better than yesterday—YAY!

I was able to stand up in the bathroom after my shower and brush and
braid my hair. Yesterday, I had to lie down as soon as I got out of
the shower. So that's an improvement.

I still feel incredibly tired. I feel as if a gallon of coffee and a
box of dark chocolate truffles might help. But they would only make
me feel worse later, so I am not caving. No coffee, no chocolate, I
hope.

I am simply going to take it easy. One minute at a time.

It takes three to four days to clear the system of 75-90% of toxins
and tiredness (assuming sleep in the meantime), and ten days to clear
it entirely. I am hoping in a few days to be able to function
relatively normally and resume my regular daily activities.