10 pounds again

I lost ten pounds since the day after thanksgiving. I'm at my lowest weight since 9-5-09. I'm pleased with this (YAY!), though worried I'll gain it all back over the holidays! I don't look thin, you'd probably not even notice, but less is better in this case!!

The photo is from yesterday.

Rage

First, I had dizzy spells and was scared. That was Thursday. Friday, rage. And still, Saturday morning in the wee hours--I haven't tried to go to bed becasue I feel filled with rage and fury, anger, RAGE. I can't sleep when I feel this way. And I feel it for no particular good reason. I read an article that rage can be casued by brain damage, and so can dizziness, so now I am wondering if my brain tumor is causing these feelings. I am frightened by all this!

I made a painting. I don't like the painting, but it represents how I feel. There is anger and also a sense of deep sorrow--about what, I can't say--not even to myself--I mean, I don't KNOW.

Could it be something I'm eating? Am I eating too much meat? (I cooked a turkey--but would that make me dizzy?) Too much sugar? I haven't been having much. :-(

Looking at this picture makes me feel very sad. Also guilty for being so angry.

I feel so wretched and tense (tight around my heart) that I hate being inside my own skin.

Click painting to view larger.

Dizzy

It wasn't as pretty as this, or this much fun! :-(

I was dizzy all day yesterday and it was scary! :-(

I felt somewhat nauseated some of the time, and lurched as if I would fall. Luckily, I did not. Everything I tried to do was difficult.

I worried all day about what it was. Here were some of my thoughts:

• I have a brain tumor in the area where balance is controlled in the brain and the tumor could have grown and be impinging there. The doctor thinks this is unlikely, becasue it would affect me more constantly.
  
• My doctor (Neurologist, Moudgil) thinks I may be having "Silent Migraines." Huh? If they are silent, then how would you know you had them?
• Vertigo? I have spells of vertigo, but this particular spell was not accompanied by a spinning sensation like the others have been.
• Swine flu? Some other infection or illness?
• Exhaustion: I'm simply not getting enough sleep.
• I even worried I was getting an aneurysm, which seems silly now, but . . .
  

Luckily, today I feel much better. I was really nervous yesterday.

(The fractal I made with fractalworks, a free download for Macs)

Retrovirus Implicated in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia

Read story here.  I'm not sure what good it is to know this unless or until the find a cure.

FREE Samples

I've been so sick these past few days with a fibro flare-up, much sicker than normal, and feeling really terrible.  I am of the opinion that there is a cause for everything if we only knew what it was, so I try to connect flare-ups to events in hopes of avoiding repeat performances.  I was wracking my brain trying to connect this one to soemthing.  Could it be crying--I had several events t cry about, a death of a friend, a difficult confrontation, etc.  Or, could it be not crying--I wanted to cry--badly, the crying wanted to come out, but I was in a situation where I was embarrassed to be crying.  Stress can exacerbate fibro, and I've been somewhat stressed--but not a whole lot more than usual--I always feel somewhat stressed.  And reviewing my food intake, I was thinking that I'd been eating SAFE FOODS only.  Then it hit me.  I was grazing.  Grazing on free samples.  I'd gone to the Village Market just before dinner and there was a plethora of free samples laid out--sausages (5 kinds), bologna (5 kinds), chips, crackers and dips, etc etc, and as I went around, I took a small sample of each--the samples were SMALL, but there were a lot of them.  I don't know this for sure, but I am suspecting the free samples.  The unknown food. Bologna sometimes has milk it it--even sausage sometimes does.  Bologna can have soy in it too.  Luckily, so far today, I feel at least a little better.  Yesterday I felt horrid.

Insomnia

I hate it

insomnia notes

Last night, befre I went to bed, I looked younger and prettier than I
had in a long time. This morning when I got up, I looked older and
uglier than I had in a while.

The difference: insomnia. I didn't slep last night--I was up
repeatedly. I occupied myself making fractals. It's sort of
mindless, when yr too tired to do anything else.

Last night, walking back from the Rolandale Retreat Center, where I'd
been working on writing in the Silk Creek Retreat Room III, I felt
good, happy, excited, encouraged. I'd finished another round of edits
and am getting very close to being able to mail off my manuscript.
And NOTHING HURT, which was unusual for me.

But after not sleeping all night, my eyes hurt and I am very tired.

I wonder if the food I ate contributed to my sleeplessness. Ginger is
a stimulant. I don't know about caraway. I will have to look it up.
But I'm too tired.

Domestic Violence

October is national Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Month. This photo, taken in some ruins in Syracuse, NY, represents how it feels to be abused by someone you love (or don't).

Wrong

After one good night, I have had a whole series of terrible nights.  I didn't sleep at all last night, but slept about an hour this morning--and since I didn't sleep for a couple preceding day, I'm exhausted, my eyes are burning.  SIGH!

I keep trying to find causes in hope of being able to control it.  I thought the light doses and melatonin were helping--but they didn't help the last few days.

Things that might be causing a problem:  late walks, arguments (upset), applesauce, coconut milk, sugar (but I haven't had much of it).

Forgiveness? Part 101

Sometimes, I am not sure whether or how to forgive. I feel confused.
I ask myself:

a. Jesus (What would Jesus do?) It's been suggested that we ask this when confused about how to proceed. Jesus was not always Mr. Kindness and forgiveness. He kicked over the tables of the moneychangers. He cursed a tree that wouldn't flower for him. So how do we know when to forgive and when to start kicking? (I had Sissy acting like Jesus in my kids' book, Frog Haven!)

b. Buddha (What would Buddha do?) Imperturbability? I can only FAKE IT! I can "Act as if." I can pretend. But inside is a maelstrom. It rears its ugly head when my guard is down. How can I calm the maelstrom inside?