Monday, August 01, 2005

The Re-hanging

I do, in theory, believe in not going to bed mad or not taking leave mad, but in practice, it is much harder.

Keith and I were going to ML's together for dinner at 6, to pick up Graham and visit with ML. When it was time to leave, he said, "I'm going to be leaving for ML's shortly" or something like that. I point is, he said "I," meaning himself, and did include or invite me.

And since I had been planning on going and looking forward to it, as an opportunity to hopefully make up with him because we would be forced by circumstances to to be civil and polite to one another and I could possibly arrange to accidentally TOUCH him in passing (mmm), I was DEEPLY offended.

I felt it like a slap in the face.

So, in return, I said, "I'm thinking about driving to NY."

Since I was disassembling my computer to take to NY (it wasn't working), it was probably somewhat convincing, though actually I had in mind putting it and some other stuff in the car to be ready for Tuesday, or if we didn't make up, Monday. Not tonight.

He went out to the car and drove away to ML's without me. Which is NOT what I wanted. I wanted to go with him. But then, since I said I was thinking of going to NY and since he abandoned me, I felt I had to go. I didn't want to go, I was tired and it was late and I just wanted to make up with Keith and be happy.

It took me a while to pack up my stuff and fill water bottles etc and I kept hoping he'd call, but he didn't, so by the time I was ready to leave, I was hungry, tired, and cranky and felt abandoned, so I took off my ring and left it on the counter, along with the keys to his car.

That was really stupid, because it was just the opposite of what I wanted. I wanted to be in his arms.

But dammit, he was being so stupid.

Two people being stupid, that's how these things happen, and how they escalate. SO I drove home alone, sad and lonely and tired and hungry.

I had purchased two pasties to celebrate our 3-year anniversary, and since I felt unloved and abandoned, I brought them with me, and I just ate one for supper. A late supper. It was good.

It reminded me of the way we met. I was looking for pasties and the old man told me to go to Tahquamenon and there were Keith and Graham. Sigh.

When I was trying to plug the computer in in the dark, I knocked down the picture of Keith and me from the wall. I thought briefly, is that symbolic of our permanent parting? Is this IT?

I set the picture down (because I had my hands full), but I just got up and hung it back up.
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

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