Monday, December 21, 2009
I lost ten pounds since the day after thanksgiving. I'm at my lowest weight since 9-5-09. I'm pleased with this (YAY!), though worried I'll gain it all back over the holidays! I don't look thin, you'd probably not even notice, but less is better in this case!!
The photo is from yesterday.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
First, I had dizzy spells and was scared. That was Thursday. Friday, rage. And still, Saturday morning in the wee hours--I haven't tried to go to bed becasue I feel filled with rage and fury, anger, RAGE. I can't sleep when I feel this way. And I feel it for no particular good reason. I read an article that rage can be casued by brain damage, and so can dizziness, so now I am wondering if my brain tumor is causing these feelings. I am frightened by all this!
I made a painting. I don't like the painting, but it represents how I feel. There is anger and also a sense of deep sorrow--about what, I can't say--not even to myself--I mean, I don't KNOW.
Could it be something I'm eating? Am I eating too much meat? (I cooked a turkey--but would that make me dizzy?) Too much sugar? I haven't been having much. :-(
Looking at this picture makes me feel very sad. Also guilty for being so angry.
I feel so wretched and tense (tight around my heart) that I hate being inside my own skin.
Click painting to view larger.
Friday, December 04, 2009
It wasn't as pretty as this, or this much fun! :-(
I was dizzy all day yesterday and it was scary! :-(
I felt somewhat nauseated some of the time, and lurched as if I would fall. Luckily, I did not. Everything I tried to do was difficult.
I worried all day about what it was. Here were some of my thoughts:
- I have a brain tumor in the area where balance is controlled in the brain and the tumor could have grown and be impinging there. The doctor thinks this is unlikely, becasue it would affect me more constantly.
- My doctor (Neurologist, Moudgil) thinks I may be having "Silent Migraines." Huh? If they are silent, then how would you know you had them?
- Vertigo? I have spells of vertigo, but this particular spell was not accompanied by a spinning sensation like the others have been.
- Swine flu? Some other infection or illness?
- Exhaustion: I'm simply not getting enough sleep.
- I even worried I was getting an aneurysm, which seems silly now, but . . .
(The fractal I made with fractalworks, a free download for Macs)
Friday, November 20, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
had in a long time. This morning when I got up, I looked older and
uglier than I had in a while.
The difference: insomnia. I didn't slep last night--I was up
repeatedly. I occupied myself making fractals. It's sort of
mindless, when yr too tired to do anything else.
Last night, walking back from the Rolandale Retreat Center, where I'd
been working on writing in the Silk Creek Retreat Room III, I felt
good, happy, excited, encouraged. I'd finished another round of edits
and am getting very close to being able to mail off my manuscript.
And NOTHING HURT, which was unusual for me.
But after not sleeping all night, my eyes hurt and I am very tired.
I wonder if the food I ate contributed to my sleeplessness. Ginger is
a stimulant. I don't know about caraway. I will have to look it up.
But I'm too tired.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, September 05, 2009
I keep trying to find causes in hope of being able to control it. I thought the light doses and melatonin were helping--but they didn't help the last few days.
Things that might be causing a problem: late walks, arguments (upset), applesauce, coconut milk, sugar (but I haven't had much of it).
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
I ask myself:
a. Jesus (What would Jesus do?) It's been suggested that we ask this when confused about how to proceed. Jesus was not always Mr. Kindness and forgiveness. He kicked over the tables of the moneychangers. He cursed a tree that wouldn't flower for him. So how do we know when to forgive and when to start kicking? (I had Sissy acting like Jesus in my kids' book, Frog Haven!)
b. Buddha (What would Buddha do?) Imperturbability? I can only FAKE IT! I can "Act as if." I can pretend. But inside is a maelstrom. It rears its ugly head when my guard is down. How can I calm the maelstrom inside?
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
At what point does forgiveness come into the equation when there's been an argument or misunderstanding?? Does s/he have to ASK for it, apologize? I usually just forgive him or her the best I can after a while because otherwise there is too much tension. And I feel too sad. But if there's been no apology and the bad behavior continues, is forgiveness appropriate?
I thought we should offer them, assuming they've been washed, since they are from a boy (our son) who at 15 doesn't poop in his pants or anything. And they are going to our grandchildren, not strangers. The father is our son's brother. The mother, our daughter-in-law, can simply throw them out if she doesn't want them--I thought we could offer her that choice. I wouldn't give them to strangers, most likely.
The fight escalated because I reminded him that he had passed on to me all of his last wife's clothes when she died. Including her underwear. He thought that was okay, but not passing Graham's underwear on to Nathaniel, our grandson. It made me feel that he thought I was not as good as his son's family, that he has a double standard. I felt hurt and angry and left the dinner table.
Each of us thinks we're right and the other is wrong and he went on to hurt my feelings and say I should go talk to a therapist about it, that he wasn't going to continue the discussion--case closed. (In other words, I'm crazy, according to him.)
Monday, August 31, 2009
A friend just told me she thought I was very good at forgiving.
Sometimes, I think I am good at "acting"--at pretending I've forgiven--trying to make my wishes to be a forgiving person into a reality that doesn't fully exist, a sort of hyper "acting as if."
The reason I say that is because I wake up in the middle of the night obsessing about something I think I've "released." And then can't sleep.
Somethings that seem like little things--like my husband planting grass seed in my garden without asking.
I get mad at him more than anyone else. I forgive him more than anyone else. I guess that's not surprising, as we spend more time together than we do with anyone else.
But acting "as if"--as if I've forgiven him--just sort of pushes the hurt feelings deeper down where the resurface to bother me at night,
On the other hand, telling him how I feel often provokes a fight. And a long drawn out process which may include lots more to try to forgive!!
I'd like to do a better job of being human. I guess that means forgiving MYSELF for my imperfections, too!
I woke up early in the wee hours of morning today, in the darkness, ANGRY yet again about something I thought I'd put behind me. Angry and then depressed. Depressed that I can't seem to let go. I'm angry about a series of relatively small things. What it it were something large? How successful would I be at forgiving?
It's easy to have a holier-than-thou attitude, for me, and think, of course I would do the right thing and be forgiving. It's so much harder to actually do it. And to continue to do it for as long as it takes to succeed.
(This sunflower is a detail from a quilt made by Marie Zeller from Grosse Pointe Michigan and displayed at the Michigan State Fair. Click on the image to view it a little larger.)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
(Not real happiness anyway. Empty pleasure and happiness are not the same.)
My teenage son spends very little time with BB and me. When he is with us, he is somewhat surly and unwilling to listen. I came up with the idea of emailing him very short pithy statements in hopes that he will read them in case I have something important to say--important to him, like so and so called and wants a call back. By the time he's realized I'm not conveying that kind of information, maybe he will have registered my point. Or maybe not.
I despair at this point in his becoming a real person, but I guess that's common for the mothers of teenage boys. I'm told be the time they are 35 or 40, they may actually become human again, but I may not live long enough to see it.
What I emailed to him is the part in quotes. BB thinks that PB is totally incapable of applying the wisdom to himself, of seeing the connection, of understanding that I mean HIM. He, PB, the boy, wants nothing other than to hang out with his friends, drink soda, eat junk food, and follow every whim. He constantly wants us to hand over money for foolish purchases, but he is very angry if we ask him to do anything, including clean his room or rinse his dishes and put them int he dishwasher. And he walks out without saying goodbye or telling us where he's going. (Which he just did, and when a friend calls, which one just did, I have no idea what to tell them.)
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Thursday, August 06, 2009
I was working on my novels--I had thee documents open, Frog Haven, Saving Morgan Mountain, and todays Psion installment to SMM. I pasted the installment into saving Morgan Mountain, spell-checked it, did soem revisions on it, then made all the editorial corrections in this round of Frog Haven and just as I was to save everything, there was some electrical blip and everything DISAPPEARED--everything--when I restarted Word, it had recovered only the Psion installment--the other two were gone. I had just finished making the last correction in Frog Haven of all the edits sent to me. I was able to find a version of it that had ONE of those edits, but as to whether the others were there too I do not yet know. I was unable to find todays work in SMM and not only that, but yesterday's work had disappeared too (though I have a hard copy of that). I spend a half hour searching and working and repasting the new installment into SMM into yesterday's version which I located on the thumb drive, but I had spent a fair time spell checking and editing, and all that work is LOST! I have yet to ascertain how much of the new Frog Haven work was lost, if any.
We've been having brownouts and power stoppages and it makes safe computer work very difficult. NOTE: I had saved at every point along the way and it still disappeared somehow. My work was gone, in SPITE of saving. It seems impossible, but it happened. I must admit I have an unstable system that crashes a lot over at the Rolandale Retreat House.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
If I am driven, at least in part, by my desire to "please my father," who is dead, and if I have internalized my father as an inner father that I am still trying desperately to please, and if I somehow find healing with those inner selves so that I no longer feel driven to succeed at pleasing my inner father, will I lose the drive to create and succeed? Or will it be possible to find some "middle ground," perhaps a more balanced and pleasant one?
It frightens me to think I might lose my desire to create.
I have, perhaps, an overly active drive to be creative. I could be happy to tone it down a little and live in a more balanced way. But I don't want to LOSE it.
I have, on the one hand, a desire to be creative and a desire to succeed, BUT I also have something that stands in the way of my success—perhaps my ADHD or perhaps something deeper and more insidious. I work on projects for years and often do not complete them. I have many unfinished novels poetry manuscripts and art pieces. I write first drafts of poems, revise them once or twice, and put them aside and rarely send them out.
What I would like is to have a more balanced approach to my creativity, instead of such a driven one. I would like to work on one or two projects at a time and see them to completion and fruition and find a way to balance my "work" (writing and art etc) with family, chores, social life, pleasure, etc.
Right now, I have a tendency to neglect my chores when consumed with work.
I want to continue to work, but to do it in a more balanced and appropriate way.
I do want to heal. I feel bad inside, and have for years. I want, as the serenity prayer says, to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. (Of course, really, I want to change all the bad things to good, but I do know that's not likely to happen.)
So yeah, I want to improve my relationship with my inner father. But keep my creativity transformed in a balanced and appropriate way.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The glaze that films your eyes like a skim of ice
on an autumn pond worries me. When I speak,
your ear bends to the sound of a distant motorcycle
or the hum of a twin engine plane, rather than to me
and my words, and your eyes stray to flowers,10
roving insects, dead mice, anything but my face.
Shadow by shadow in the long afternoons,
your attention leaves me. And who would not
be bored with prattle about insomnia
and fibromyalgia unless they, too, housed
an invisible fire-breathing dragon? Remember Florence
going on about her heart? If anyone had listened,
could we have saved her? Can we still save us?
I think so. Pain stretches the distance between us,
but sometimes we still reel it in with a touch.
Mary Stebbins Taitt
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
- Bitten! The good thing is that I finally saw Eager again and gave him peanuts and sunflower seeds. He sat on my lap and my shoulder. The bad thing is that when he wanted to play like he used to, he bit gently as usual several times, but then he bit hard enough to draw blood. WAHN! I dashed in and washed and squeezed and washed and squeezed. Guess there will be NO playing with Eager any more. WAHN!
- RATS? I found two holes in ivy near the birdfeeder that could be rat holes. We can't put out rat poison or rat traps for fear of harming Eager. We may have to stop feeding. But if we do, we'll have to make a concerted effort to get and give Eager some food, though being a squirrel, he should actually be able to survive on his own now.
- Tomatoes: something knocked two more tomatoes off the tomato plant at the back fence--I brought them in and put them ont he windowsill to finish ripening. They'd be better if they ripened on the "vine."
- Sleep ehn! I was up in the night and awake for a while and then stayed in bed late because I was tired. I hate that because it bites into my day and work time.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Thursday, July 02, 2009
The past two days were fraught with stress and worry and lots of bad food. I ate everything I'm allergic too: chocolate, peanuts, dairy etc. I also ate snacks, fried food, drank some coke! I expected to be up all night last night and to feel absolutely terrible today. These expectations are a result of years of experience--I usually don't sleep and feel terrible after eating bad food and being stressed.
I am very grateful that in fact I not only (so far, knock on wood) slept very very well (for me), but also feel actually better than normal.
So, of course, now I want to know WHY so that I can hopefully continue to feel well. Or return to feeling well if I slip away.
So what is different? Well, I don't know.
Remember how I slept outside in a tent most of one winter because I suspected inside air of causing me problems? Because the air conditioner isn't running, we have fan in the bedroom bringing in outside air and one in the bathroom pulling it through. Could fresh outside air have a positive influence?
I can't even THINK of what else might be different.
Could it be being rescued by prince charming from all the horrors of a dead car in a distant place? I dunno.
Monday, June 15, 2009
I just finished, finally, packing (just) my clothes for the trip to NY, Maine and New Hampshire. It's 12:30 PM and to be sure, I did my exercises and fed the birds and sat in the back yard with Eager, not knowing if I'd ever have the chance again. But still, since I had previously started gathering things, it seemed to take an inordinate length of time, running up stairs and down, to the basement, to the living room, back to the bedroom etc, to gather everything that was needed. I was collecting stuff--mainly clothing so far, for BB and for myself. I have NOT been online, not checked my email or the weather or anything, so where has the morning gone? Am I the slowest person on earth? When BB packs, he opens two drawers, counts out x number of socks, underwear and T-shirts, x being the number of days we're going, grabs a spare pair of jeans, and stuff them in a bag--voila, done! Except, lately, to save him even that time and free him for putting air in tires, oil in the engine of the car and mowing the lawn, etc, I've been doing it for him. Most of it anyway, though, for me, nothing is ever that simple! AK!
I did charge my camera batteries and downloaded the pix on the cards and cleared the cards (all except Giovanna's, which I have forgotten to do--and which I just went and did), but I did all that, except the one, yesterday. I did locate and print poems and pictures, but likewise yesterday. Today, all I accomplished so far besides hugging a squirrel, exercises and breakfast was packing the clothes. Why am I so SLOW? I hate it.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I'd been feeling somewhat better for a while, then worse, and yesterday morning and early afternoon, I was fairly good, then BAM, got very bad, bad fibro pain and a terrible night. The fibro pain was extreme at times and I unable to move or walk, and since I was out and walking on my way to dinner, for our anniversary, I had to stop and wait for the pain--fibro and IBS--to pass. Then walk, then wait, then walk, then wait. This was followed by an agitated night and insomnia.
I just realized the probable cause: alfalfa sprouts that I had with my lunch. I am not certain of this, of course, BUT it seems quite likely. Alfalfa is a legume, and the two things that seem to affect me worst are dairy products and legumes.
However, I must admit that I have lately been having worse insomnia again, and that was NOT related to alfalfa.
I was furious at BB and PB--at Piano Boy for not doing his practicing and at BB for not doing anything about it. Over the summer we asked for 15 minutes a day when he is home and he will be away for two two week periods starting shortly. 15 minutes is not that much out of 24 HOURS and he says he wants to be a musician. And I am the step mother so BB needs to step up to the plate and at least make a reasonable attempt to induce him to practice, which he did not.
It was too hot in the house and I don't sleep well when I am angry. I wish I did not get SO angry when other people are idiots. This was the 4th or 5th night of bad sleep and my fibro is getting worse and worse.
It seems to me that PB does not really want to be a musician--if he really did, practicing would be fun and important to him.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
After a period of sleeping somewhat better and feeling somewhat better, I am now in my third night of insomnia and getting increasingly tired. I'm annoyed and sad to be awake after 2 AM. I want to be asleep! I want to be asleep now.
I don't know what causes the insomnia to go away or to come back, but I do know that when I have it, it messes up my life. I get cranky and irritable, I'm tired and get less done, I feel rotten, my fibromyalgia gets worse.
I'm inclined to blame it on diet, but can't pinpoint what. I had white bread and garlic today in the spaghetti. I had dairy yesterday, not much, but a little. I've been eating bread.
BB tries to blame it on worry.
I am worried, but not horribly. I am worried about:
- BB's job/our financial security
- the mess
- the Rolandale house
- the squirrel
- Donna/Donna's death/the celebration
- my writing projects/getting done/getting published
- my aging and health
- my feeling overwhelmed (a result, in part, of not getting enough sleep!)
- my diet
- my insomnia! (AK!) (Vicious circle!)
I'm going to try to go back to bed. If I am still awake a half hour after I go to bed, I may get back up--I'm not just awake, I'm agitated. Sometimes, I'm awake, but can lie there relaxed and rest--that's better than being agitated and unable to lie still.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I have just had an hour-long episode of vertigo that has left me feeling nauseous, dizzy and worried. I made a note of it for my doctor, who I happen to be going to on Friday, Muna Beeai. She's my GP. My neurologist thinks it could be silent migraines. I am afraid to do my normal morning exercises, because I am feeling dizzy and I am worried the vertigo will start up again--it came in two batches this morning, first lasting only 2-3 minutes, and then when I thought it was over, I moved and it started up again. So now, of course, Ia m afraid to move.
Oh-oh, appears my fears were well-founded--I just moved and it DID start up again, with a vengeance. 8:40 start. Room spinning bad. I keeled over to the left. Hit my head, not hard. Curled in a ball on the floor waiting for it to subside. Burst into a terrible sweat. Managed to crawl--literally--over to the computer and get into my chair. It seems to be subsiding again. 8:50 on Leo's clock, seems to have mostly stopped--ten more minutes of vertigo--but I think it is still with me and will return if I move.
OK, so let me start this freewrite again. I'm feeling dizzy, nauseous, worried, frightened. The room is spinning--OK--not spinning, holding relatively still now. But I'm afraid it will spin again. There is an odd dull feeling on my left side. That is, the left side of my head--I think it is starting to hurt. I had a lot to do today, and I am bummed about that as well, but also worried about what causes these spells of vertigo. Dr. Moudgil says it could be migraines, but it was also suggested that it might be a smalls stroke or a seizure. It's very scary, especially when I fall suddenly. That fall was very reminiscent of the time in Hamilton, Ontario where I suddenly lurches to the left and bumped into the wall of the hall. Nothing more happened then, but I did the same thing just now--lurched suddenly to the left.
The sun is shining brightly and I would like to go outside. I need to feed the squirrel, rocky, the wild birds and clean Rocky's cage and Eager's cage and make breakfast and shower and dress and get going on my tasks for the day. BUT I am afraid to move.
I can think of nothing unusual that I ate yesterday, only things I've been eating fairly regularly: steel cut oats, brain, rice milk, pork, calamari, shrimp, scallops, mushrooms, broccoli, yellow squash. I feel pretty sick. I can't do this, I have to go lie down.
10:00 I've had two more incidents of vertigo and still feel sick. 9:11-9:14, 9:40-9:55 accompanied by sweating and nausea. Fairly bad vertigo and nausea--probably not four incidents, but one long one, not over yet. It's been THREE HOURS NOW--I feel like it's wasting my whole day on the one hand and on the other hand, am quite scared. Worried about what it is and means. I got up out of bed because I have to pee and get a drink. I also need to feed the squirrel, but that involves bending over, which tends to exacerbate the problem.
More than 3 hours of vertigo, during which time I was unable to accomplish anything and spent most of the time in bed. Finally got up, made breakfast, sat out in the yard next to the shadow of the silver maple in the neighbor's yard--that is, I was in our yard, but the maples is on theirs. I had a weird experience where a shadow appeared on my hand that did not seem to come from the tree.
At the edge of a shadow cast by the neighbor's oak,
sun shines on my face, a breeze rustles my hair
and the shadow of the oak shifts and wriggles, restless
and hungry, withdrawing and then approaching
my bare toes, over and over while the whole dancing
shadow with it's patches of sun slides slowly closer.
Shadows of leaves, shadows of branches, shadows
of baby acorns nestled among the leaves. Shadows
of robins passing each other with worms and insects,
shadows of their babies opening wide their mouths.
A touch of cold startles me. I look down to see darkness
on my hands, isolated and with no visible source
from the tree. The deep, cloudless sky throws no shadows,
but the shadow on my wrist expands toward my heart.
Compelled to drink from that well of night. I bend toward
my hands. A black wave engulfs me. The earth tilts, the sky
spins and the tree lurches. I smell bruised grass, damp soil.
Feel tiny pebbles mashed into my cheek. Sweating
and cold, I watch the jonquils and tulips leap jaggedly
in the garden. Jump and twist spasmodically. On my knees,
my body curls in Bala-asana, the child pose, and I close
my eyes to still the jumping. The darkness
behind my eyes turns and jerks raggedly. I breathe
slowly. Feel a passing chill, another shadow.
I open my eyes to see a vulture circling, its shadow
passing over me again and again.
Mary Stebbins Taitt
NOTE: This did NOT happen as written, but is a combination of the earlier experience of vertigo with the later experience of the shifting shadows and the mysterious one on my hand.
Monday, May 04, 2009
It's 2 Am and I am up and don't want to be. Insomnia is a plague. I have not had one single wink of sleep and I am very tired and want to sleep.
It's 3 Am and I am still up and still itchy and agitated.
4:50 Am still up, still NO SLEEP, still itchy and agitated. I worked on a poem. Posted it to The Smell of Sun and Half-Formed.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I drove PB to school because it was raining and he had to bring his sports jacket, tie and a nice shirt. But I thought that was for after school and he did not enlighten me.
Shortly after three, I called JG, J's Dad, to find out if J had given him PB's paperwork for Blue Lake--they have to send it in together if they want to room together. J picked up the phone too and asked in an agitated voice if PB was there. Both of them should still have been in school. J said they had a half day when I asked why HE wasn't in school. He said he thought PB was at S's but S wasn't picking up. I was already annoyed, because PB hadn't mentioned a half day and why had I driven him with his fancy clothes then if there was no rehearsal--then J said, PB was not at rehearsal. So I was thinking that during the half day, there'd been a rehearsal. THEN J said they were leaving in 15 minutes for rehearsal and couldn't find PB. PB carpools with J and they drive there (to North, 15 minutes away, so half hour round trip not counting the waiting). So I called S's and S answered and I asked for PB and I heard S whispering to PB, "It's Mary, do you want to talk to her?" He did and I asked why he skipped rehearsal and he said because he didn't have his black pants. Where were they? At North. I told him the Js were looking for him and he said he'd call them.
I looked at the calendars and there was no scheduled half day. EB, the choir teacher, arranged for the kids to miss their other classes for a big Dolly rehearsal yesterday afternoon. Which means that the rehearsal was a required school activity--choir is a SCHOOL class, not an after school class. Which means that PB was playing hooky, which is illegal, of course. He just took off and didn't bother going to his academic classes or choir. Whether he'll get caught or get in trouble is yet to be seen. But he gets graded in choir and that grade gets averaged in and E has said that absences to required practices are zeros. (Also, my driving him was wasted). BB was annoyed also because PB had taken HIS sports jacket, tie and shirt--without permission, and had NOT brought them home again and where were they--shoved in his locker? Then I was worried that he might not go to the second rehearsal for fear of reprisals. But BB said he would and he did.
He's been having required rehearsals 3:45-9:30 and sometimes 10 every night and on on Saturdays and Sundays! No other life. Including academic! Or sports. He went out for track three years in a row (and did very well), but this year could not because of Dolly. His grades are suffering terribly. As is his piano. He didn't practice at all last week or yet this week. I'm worried and upset--it's $25/week for lessons and he was doing so well and is now doing nothing and the recital is coming up.
Not only that, but BB has said that he is going to wash his hands of it all and let PB sink or swim on his own. I am furious with him (both of them)(bother them!) PB is still a child and need guidance and discipline; you can't abdicate your parental responsibilities. It's hard for me as the step mother to exert much control. I'm in a difficult position. I'm confused what to do--now I am trying to get TWO of them back in line with no support. I'm pretty upset about it all.
I had a really bad night last night. The worst in some time. I keep trying to figure out what triggers that bad nights, in hopes of altering the trigger so I don't have them. Possible reasons for bad night: Okra? LATE walk? wine? (I had one swallow, plus what I'd had in the gumbo--but I've done that before without that same consequence), late night emailing before bed? Feeling worried and overwhelmed? Trouble with poem I am working on? Talking with Brian Powers? Being upset with PB re; skipping school? Or? WHAT? I had brain fog yesterday for a while, and felt quite depressed (after the incident with PB skipping school.)
I've been having a series of tests:
- bone density
- mammograms (several sets)
- ultra sounds of breast
- breast biopsy
- sleep study
- etc etc etc one thing after another. AK!
But now I am having a poop test. They gave me a card with three windows and each window has two slides and, after a special diet (eg no beef or citrus) and not taking certain pills (eg aspirin and vit C), every day for three days, I have to save a poop and smear the poop from two different spots onto the two slides. It's icky smelly work. I have one more day to go and am NOT looking forward to it. UGH!
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
I am back from my biopsy. I am feeling light-headed (slightly) and a little out of it. Not exactly well, but nothing bad I can put my finger on. A slight pressure in my head, tiredness.
Here's what happened:
I went to the ultrasound desk at Beaumont hospital, checked in. The receptionist had my name and put a wrist band on. I hadn't had a wristband for the mammograms or ultrasounds, so immediately I knew this would be a little more invasive." (Of course, I already knew that, e en though it's my first in situo biopsy.) I waited past my appointment time and was just starting to antsy (15-20 minutes later) when a woman called my name. She was Nancy, the person to whom I'd spoken in the phone, the one who had made the arrangements. She took me to the ultrasound room--looked like the same room where I'd had my previous ultrasound and had me strip down and put on a gown with the opening in the front and sit on the ultrasound bed while she checked my wrist band and ask me questions--the SAME questions she'd asked on the phone and I already answered--while she filled out forms. She asked my name, date of birth, why I was there. Checked my wristband.
Then another lady came in. These were NOT the same women who gave me my previous ultrasounds. (So maybe it was a different room?) Nancy is blond and tall and middle-aged (younger than me, maybe 50?) and the second woman had an accent. At first it was very noticeable, but after a little while, I didn't notice it at all any more. She asked my name, date of birth, and why I was there and checked my wrist band, She was short and dressed in dark blue scrubs--the first one, Nancy was in pale blue scrubs. L2 was the ultrasound lady and she looked with the ultrasound for the lump they were going to biopsy. They had the images from last time on the light box and I had looked at them to see what lump looked like (I'd been studying lumps on-line to see what I could learn about them). I had wanted to take a picture of the lump with the little camera I'd had in my pocket, but by the time I got dressed, I'd forgotten and just wanted to go home. DARN!
After she found the lump--and I could see it on the screen--she went out looking for the doctor, who came in and identified himself. Meanwhile, Nancy had hooked me up to a blood-pressure monitor and heartbeat monitor. My blood pressure was really good (even though I was a little nervous--eek)--and my pulse was also really good.
The doctor, who was Italian and must have thought I was, too, because he kept talking to me in Italian--(and I am but I was too nervous to even pretend I understood--although I did understand a little, scrubbed my breast with turquoise stuff--antiseptic and then told me to turn my head to the side and he sprayed me with numbing pray which did not smell very good--kind of what one might expect. He asked me my name, date of birth, why I was here. And checked my wristband. Then he said, "bee sting." and explained that he was going to give me shot to numb the breast tissue. He actually gave me several. I could feel it--it was milder than a bee stig--it hurt, but less than a shot normally does--like a little prick as opposed to a big one.
Then he got out the biopsy device. It looks a bit like a large needle, only much more complex. It has a gun-like trigger and parts--metal tubes--that fit inside the needle-like part. I was feeling slightly queasy and fearful--I was afraid it would really hurt--the thing was HUGE--literally like 10-12 inches long! EEK! It was a scary-looking tool. I could see him inserting it on the monitor--and I could feel a sense of pressure and a hint of pain and also something deeper--like pain I couldn't feel--don't know how to explain it--it didn't really hurt. It hurt a little, but very little, less than my normal fibromyalgia pain. But it was still upsetting--dunno how to explain it--I remained very calm externally, but inside I was getting a little dissociated. After he'd gone in 3-4 times with this device, he said, "almost done." Then went in twice more. Each time, I expected it to start hurting worse, in part because of my previous bad experience with anesthesia. Usually, they don't give me enough and then proceed to hurt me. But in this case, there was never any real conscious pain, just that sense of pain I couldn't feel that was making me queasy. Also the sight of that gian needle entering my breast on the monitor--pushing its way through the tissue--I could see the tissue giving and tearing a little as the needle went through it.
When he said he was done, I asked if I could see the samples and he handed me test tube with little bits of my body in it, swirling around--because he kept shaking it--like little eels or snakes. They were maybe a 16th of an inch wide and half an inch long and curly. I hope he got some of the right part. Some of the lump.
I'm still feeling slightly out of it, slightly headachey, slightly queasy. And tired. I just want to lie down. I have an ice pack Ia m supposed to keep on my breast ten minutes on and ten off, and I am supposed to wear a bra to bed and do no heavy lifting etc.
I am sure I'll be fine soon. It really wasn't that big a deal.
Now I have to wait 3-7 days for the results of the biopsy.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I went to bed an hour ago and I just got back up. I hadn't slept a
wink and was wide awake and bored with lying in bed. I am tired. I
keep yawning. But I can't sleep. I feel restless and agitated.
I don't really want to be awake! or up.
Today, my fibromyalgia was better than yesterday (it was really bad
yesterday) until evening, when we went for an extra sunset walk and it
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I just had a mammogram today that was full of shadows.
Seeing that combination--breasts, thorns and fated, scared me. I am hoping that shadows are fibrocystis and not cancer.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Notes for Dr. Muna Beeai, 3-3-09
Ø Need prescription sent to Medco for refillable 90-day supplies, if possible, of Lescol and Synthroid. Am getting low. (Blood tests?) Currently taking:
o Synthroid, 50 mcg
o Lescol, 80 mg
Ø Need interpretation of doctors listed on the last form. (GYN, etc.)
o Need mammogram
o What was the other number? (Was it a talk therapist? Mammogram?)
o (Need to go to GYN—have called several times, but no appt yet.)
Ø Need another SLEEP STUDY! It’s been over a year since I had one and I never got my CPAP adjusted or got a new mask and I need one. NOT POLICHERLA! It’s been 5 or more years since I had a new mask or CPAP adjustments! (Since well before I moved here!)
Ø Flu Shot? I never got a flu shot this year—should I get one? I reacted very badly to the flu in 2001.
Ø General health somewhat better.
Ø Insomnia is a little better but still have BAD nights fairly frequently. Sometimes have spells of better sleep and sometimes worse.
Ø Fibromylagia is generally somewhat better, but there is still pain, which fluctuates.
Ø Arthritis in neck is somewhat better, still flares up.
Ø Pinched nerve is significantly better, but still flares up occasionally.
Ø Had a few tachycardia events and 1 vertigo event since last visit.
Ø Am still significantly obese! L
Ø My ADHD and memory problems seem somewhat improved much of the time.
Ø I get sick every time I eat out or eat at someone else’s house.
Ø My IBS is significantly improved. Still have occasional bouts.
Ø Had one strange “dizzy spell” (?) while walking that lasted only a few seconds. (I almost fell.) This was months ago and it has not recurred.
Ø Anger and other negative emotions seem to severely affect my sleep and fibromyalgia. I can’t always prevent them. Some therapy/intervention might help some?
Steps I am taking:
Ø I got a Blue Therapy Light (and a bright therapy light) and have been using them daily.
Ø I walk 45 minutes a day
Ø I take almost no sugar, as I seem to react very badly to it.
Ø I do my pinched-nerve physical therapy exercises almost daily.
Ø I do some yoga, stretching and other exercises daily. (sit-ups etc)
Ø I am trying to diet with varying success. I eat very carefully at home, avoiding milk, dairy, soy, nuts, chocolate, coffee, bananas, onions and other suspected foods.
Ø Take vitamins (including extra D), calcium, glucosamine chondroitin.
Ø Dr. Moudgil, brain tumor, March 19, 11 AM
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I had another sleepless night. Went to bed at around 11:15 or so and laid awake for over two hours without sleeping at all, totally wide awake, getting progressively more agitated until I had to get up--stayed up until after three and tried again--laid awake another hour and then drowsed off and on. I had another of these nights (maybe worse) a few nights ago and some not that great nights between and today I am really tired. I mean exhausted, yet again. Just feel pretty rotten.
I'm trying to continue to function and do stuff, and one of the things I was doing was attempting to copy some stuff out of Charlie Myers' books. He's my painting teacher and I am supposed to give the books back tomorrow, but I've been busy with my homework for my poetry class and haven't had time. My Canon scanner works as a color copier but it isn't readily accessible because there are piles of stuff in front of it. This isn't a real problem when copying single sheets, but big heavy books won't stay down on the platen, so I have to stand awkwardly straddling the stuff and hold the books down and I was doing that when I got an out of paper notice. Earlier, I had moved a pile of a stuff--projects in process from one spot to another--right on top of my paper supply, and suddenly, I was just too tired to deal with it all. I couldn't stand moving the pile one more time.
I HAVE to copy this stuff today and I have to do it NOW or soon because later, we have to take Elphie, my smallest camera, to the camera store on Woodward because it isn't working right--VERY SAD (it will be out of commission for a while being repaired)--and every other day, we have a conflict that prevents going to Woodward (it's a ways away!)--piano lessons, piano theory class, etc etc. I have to pull myself together and get back to copying--he gave me multiple things to copy out of multiple books--I wish he'd give me ONE book at a time. AK!
I need this information though, and I cannot afford to BUY all these books at once.
AND I don't like the poem I wrote and revised yesterday, so I want to write a NEW one (for my poetry class)--and we won't EVEN go into the other things that are piling up--I'm feeling overwhelmed. I want to just go lie down, but it's sort of pointless, since then I will just lie there wide awake thinking of the things I have to hurry up and get done.
OK, get paper, load cartridge, go back to copying. Sometime today, I have to walk. I was GOING to walk to the store for a looseleaf binder into which I could put all these pages I am copying. I also need to get food and . . . oh wait, I wasn't going there. OK. Grumble grumble growl. Just sitting here for a minute, long enough to write this, has made me feel a frog hair better.
At least I don't have real problems yet, like many people in the world do, unless you consider permanent brain damage from insomnia a problem. Scientist now believe insomnia causes not only temporary confusion, but PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
when I was insomniac at 3 AM. It took me all day to paint it, by
hand, not with filters, on my old computer using a MOUSE in PS7. (I
did use liquify to bend the brushes on the left to "match" the bed in
the water bottle on the right. I did not use either of my tablets or
pens, because I felt really terrible and wanted to do it the old
fashioned way, LOL! (slowly, slowly.))
Sleep is unexpected and delicious, limbs melting into the mattress,
melting into dreams, into the river of darkness and light. I went to
bed around 11:15, maybe, held my sleeping husband in my arms, then put
on my CPAP and happily drifted away.
About 12:15 or so, I awoke to knocking. PB at the door, apparently
without a key. I untangled myself from BB's arms and legs, from the
blankets, ran galumphing down the stairs in my nightie, but PB was
gone when I opened the door--I called and he came around from out
front and in, apologetic for forgetting his keys.
Upstairs in bed again, I am all clumsy arms and legs. The blankets
are tangled. BB wraps himself around me but feels awkward and heavy.
He's snoring raggedly in my ear. I can't get my breath. I'm hot.
The CPAP is sweaty and sticky on my face. I'm suddenly stiff and sore
again from my fall skiing earlier today. For an hour, I thrash about.
I think of things I could be doing instead of lying there doing
nothing. I get bored and restless, but I am tired. I'd rather sleep
than get up, but eventually, I can't take the restless boredom and get
The house is silent and dark. BB and PB are sleeping. And I am wide awake.
I want to eat. I consider doing negative space art. I cnsider the
books I brought back from art class that I need to view, copy and
return. I consider my poem. But the thing about being up in the
middle of the night is that I've already been up all day and I am
tired. I'd rather be sleeping.
I make this art piece on my tablet--I got the tablet for Christmas and
I think this is only the 4th or 5th picture I've made on it. Of
course, I'm not as pretty or as young as this.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I just heard that someone I loved died.
She was 88 and lived a long wonderful life, but I am still bereaved.
I wish she could have been with us even longer, healthy and happy.
I cried because I got a letter from another elderly friend, the one
who sent the clipping about Ruth's death. A nice letter.
I cried becase it is raining--HARD. And raining. And raining. And
wet and grey.
And I cried becase oif the impossible tasks--I seem to have a number of them.
One is the address change business for my numerous small stocks. Each
held somewhere where it is impossible to get someone on the phone or
get their website to work. They are threatening to take my stoocks
away becase of "abandonment!" And they won't leet me change my
address--it's been what 3-4 years and I've been trying and trying.
Calling and talking to customer service people who say they can't take
address changes on the phone as they have no way to verify I'm truly
who I say I am.
None of these stocks are wrth much, but they are mine. It's the
principle of the thing!
I was literally stewing about it when the mail came and ONE of the
stock companies, BNY Mellon, finally changed my address and sent me a
check for $23 from all the dividends I haven't received due to the
address change hassles. I know, not a lot of money, but hey! I'm
unemployed and every little bit helps!
I cried--in relief. I know, I know, I was crying earlier in
frustration becase it's literally been years.
And no, I am NOT having my period--I'm 62 years old and don't have
periods any more.
The stock thing is not over, there is more to go. The multiple others.
And then there is the house inspection thing. We need to get this
house in spected, the Rolandale House. But I called and called and
called and called and let the phone ring five minutes, ten minutes,
etc--no answer. Over and over. I was just settling down for another
long wait when someone picked up the phone and kindly andswered my
questions. When I hung up, I cried and dcried. It's not over yet.
It's only one of a long series of hurdles.
Why do things seem to be getting harder and harder?
I guess, in part, because I don't sleep at night. I'm tired and it
makes everythings seem harder and more stressful.
But bureacracies do seem to be much worse--it's so much harder to get
to talk to a real person. And the recordings and choices and menus
NEVER solve my problems! WHY?
And do I get a piece of chocolate or a glass of wine to soothe my
shattered nerves? NO! I can't.
But hey, I wrote two new poems last night and this morning. :-) :-D
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Late in the evening, PB arrived home. He came in the door, greeted me cheerfully, and disappeared up the stairs. It was about 8:05. He's supposed to practice the piano at 8:30. At 8:45, when he had not come down to practice, I went up to get him, and glowered in at BB who was reading on the couch, wondering why he hadn't sent PB down to practice.
"He's lying in bed groaning and whimpering and won't move," BB said. "Maybe you can get him to go down."
I went in to investigate, and PB was curled in a ball under the quilt and several other blankets moaning and nearly crying. I told him to get up and do his practicing--he's always coming up with excuses to skip practicing, so at first, I just thought he was crying wolf. But he didn't budge and said he hurt all over. Then I thought maybe he was getting sick, because BB and I both have had long bouts of a bad cold. I reached in under the blanket and his body was like ice--utterly cold to the touch--and he'd been lying in bed under the covers for a long time.
"Did you walk home from Borders in a T-shirt?" I asked. (I'd assumed he'd gotten a ride from someone, becasue he came in so cheerful.) It was ten degrees out. He did walk. I made him sit next to BB on the couch, wrapped them both in a quilt, brought him a large cup of steaming hot chocolate. I was genuinely frightened. He could die of hypothermia if his core temperature falls to low. I was near tears, but once he warmed up, I was furious with him. We were home by the time he came home, he could have gotten a ride--he didn't ask. He also could have dressed more wisely, obviously!
He lay in BB's arms for an hour and then went to bed without doing his practicing. I drove him to school this morning. He was dressed lightly in a T-shirt with a light long-sleeve under it. I told him to at least put on a hoodie or his motorcycle jacket. He said they were all at school except the one he left in Dad's car. He has a dentist appointment this afternoon. The dentist's office is a quarter of a mile FARTHER AWAY than Borders--in other words, about two miles from home. I asked him if he wanted a ride home.
"No," he said, "I'll walk." I hope he puts on a few hoodies or his jacket.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Oops, wrong clothes.
"My CHOIR clothes," says, exasperated, as if I have all the details of his choir clothes memorized. I go upstairs, after telling him he's interrupting me.
"Name them," I say, grabbing the vest. The one with the sequins.
"The vest, the red one."
"The tuxedo vest."
Huh? We go through a bunch of shenanigans until I find the right thing.
"The white shirt."
"The tuxedo of course."
"Got it. Anything else?" I name what I've got. I name it twice.
"No that's it." I shove everything in a large bag and drive over. Honk multiple times and he finally comes out from Jay's in his Stewie PAJAMAS! Hello? (and it's VERY COLD out!) I hand him the bag, he says "Thanks," I leave.
I'm in the driveway when I hear the phone ringing in the garage.
"You didn't bring my pants."
"You didn't mention pants!" At this point I lose it, and yell and holler and say bad words. It's the second time I've said bad words this week when someone else might have heard them--in this case, Jay's Mom if she was nearby.
Then I go up, look in his closet, and have no idea what pants he want. I grab the navy blue ones, drive back over to Jay's, honk again. He comes running out--God I wish I'd had my camera handy and was quick with it--he comes running out with a tuxedo, a white pleated tuxedo shirt, a white tuxedo vest, and Stevie pajama bottoms flapping in the wind. LOL! What a sight to see!
I was laughing too hard to be angry at that point! But it took HALF hour two run back and forth including rummaging time. Which may not seem so bad but add it to the 45 minutes and that is an HOUR and 15 minutes of totally wasted time due to his carelessness and inability to listen to instructions. meanwhile, my lunch is burning!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
I spent the entire morning in bed with this terrible cold, but now I am feeling somewhat better for the first time in several days. Phew. I'll probably fade again later, but feeling better even temporarily is a good thing.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Sunday, January 04, 2009
It's the new year and time to try again to lose weight. The good news is that I weight 24 pounds LESS than I weighed a year ago. Yeah, I know, I don't look a bit different and I still look fat, but I do weigh less and my clothes are a little looser and more comfortable. The further good news is that I only gained about 8 pounds over the holidays from Thanksgiving through New Year's, which will be easier to lose again, I hope, than the 25 or so I gained last year over the holidays. The bad news is that I am about 20 pounds heavier than I was at my lowest during the summer, and I am sick with all the usual problems I get when I travel. I have a sore throat, probably from eating dairy products inadvertently. I have pain in my feet and joints etc., the usual, somewhat exacerbated by bad food. The good news is that it is not as bad as it often is after I travel. Worse than normal, but less worse. I attempted to be extremely careful.
I am starting a diet, gradually at first, but then escalating, I hope. I can never predict the course of these things, but I intend to keep trying. Health first, weight loss second. Exercise.
I will report back. I hope. Sometimes, I get so busy I just cannot keep track of things or blog.
HAPPY NEW YEAR to You. :-D May 2009 be the best year yet for you personally and for the country and world.
We got back from a trip to New York last night and Piano Boy immediately left. He was told to come home at 8:30, but he never came home or called. I hope nothing happens to him. It's like the boy who cried wolf. If he's ever in real trouble, we won't be appropriately worried because he is so irresponsible. We won't be looking for him or calling the cops because it's become a habit for him to disobey.
We're having freezing rain. Thank God we didn't have it yesterday when we were traveling. Fear of bad weather and oncoming freezing rain turned out to be a source of a problem yesterday that caused pain, distress and shame. WAHN!