Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I hate it

insomnia notes

Last night, befre I went to bed, I looked younger and prettier than I
had in a long time. This morning when I got up, I looked older and
uglier than I had in a while.

The difference: insomnia. I didn't slep last night--I was up
repeatedly. I occupied myself making fractals. It's sort of
mindless, when yr too tired to do anything else.

Last night, walking back from the Rolandale Retreat Center, where I'd
been working on writing in the Silk Creek Retreat Room III, I felt
good, happy, excited, encouraged. I'd finished another round of edits
and am getting very close to being able to mail off my manuscript.
And NOTHING HURT, which was unusual for me.

But after not sleeping all night, my eyes hurt and I am very tired.

I wonder if the food I ate contributed to my sleeplessness. Ginger is
a stimulant. I don't know about caraway. I will have to look it up.
But I'm too tired.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Domestic Violence

October is national Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Month. This photo, taken in some ruins in Syracuse, NY, represents how it feels to be abused by someone you love (or don't).

Saturday, September 05, 2009


After one good night, I have had a whole series of terrible nights.  I didn't sleep at all last night, but slept about an hour this morning--and since I didn't sleep for a couple preceding day, I'm exhausted, my eyes are burning.  SIGH!

I keep trying to find causes in hope of being able to control it.  I thought the light doses and melatonin were helping--but they didn't help the last few days.

Things that might be causing a problem:  late walks, arguments (upset), applesauce, coconut milk, sugar (but I haven't had much of it).

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Forgiveness? Part 101

Sometimes, I am not sure whether or how to forgive. I feel confused.
I ask myself:

a. Jesus (What would Jesus do?) It's been suggested that we ask this when confused about how to proceed. Jesus was not always Mr. Kindness and forgiveness. He kicked over the tables of the moneychangers. He cursed a tree that wouldn't flower for him. So how do we know when to forgive and when to start kicking? (I had Sissy acting like Jesus in my kids' book, Frog Haven!)

b. Buddha (What would Buddha do?) Imperturbability? I can only FAKE IT! I can "Act as if." I can pretend. But inside is a maelstrom. It rears its ugly head when my guard is down. How can I calm the maelstrom inside?

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

When forgiveness?

When forgiveness?

At what point does forgiveness come into the equation when there's been an argument or misunderstanding??  Does s/he have to ASK for it, apologize?  I usually just forgive him or her the best I can after a while because otherwise there is too much tension.  And I feel too sad.  But if there's been no apology and the bad behavior continues, is forgiveness appropriate?


I JUST had another stupid argument with my husband.  It involved the passing on of hand-me-downs.  MY feeling is that we should pass everything on unless it is broken or ruined in someway.  (Or filthy or ripped etc.) The point we argued about was underwear (and socks). 

I thought we should offer them, assuming they've been washed, since they are from a boy (our son) who at 15 doesn't poop in his pants or anything.  And they are going to our grandchildren, not strangers.  The father is our son's brother.  The mother, our daughter-in-law, can simply throw them out if she doesn't want them--I thought we could offer her that choice.  I wouldn't give them to strangers, most likely.

The fight escalated because I reminded him that he had passed on to me all of his last wife's clothes when she died.  Including her underwear.  He thought that was okay, but not passing Graham's underwear on to Nathaniel, our grandson.  It made me feel that he thought I was not as good as his son's family, that he has a double standard.  I felt hurt and angry and left the dinner table.

Each of us thinks we're right and the other is wrong and he went on to hurt my feelings and say I should go talk to a therapist about it, that he wasn't going to continue the discussion--case closed.  (In other words, I'm crazy, according to him.)


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