Friday, July 31, 2009

Pondering today’s discussion

Pondering today's discussion, Friday, July 31, 2009

If I am driven, at least in part, by my desire to "please my father," who is dead, and if I have internalized my father as an inner father that I am still trying desperately to please, and if I somehow find healing with those inner selves so that I no longer feel driven to succeed at pleasing my inner father, will I lose the drive to create and succeed?  Or will it be possible to find some "middle ground," perhaps a more balanced and pleasant one? 

It frightens me to think I might lose my desire to create.

I have, perhaps, an overly active drive to be creative.  I could be happy to tone it down a little and live in a more balanced way.  But I don't want to LOSE it.

I have, on the one hand, a desire to be creative and a desire to succeed, BUT I also have something that stands in the way of my success—perhaps my ADHD or perhaps something deeper and more insidious.  I work on projects for years and often do not complete them.  I have many unfinished novels poetry manuscripts and art pieces.  I write first drafts of poems, revise them once or twice, and put them aside and rarely send them out.

What I would like is to have a more balanced approach to my creativity, instead of such a driven one.  I would like to work on one or two projects at a time and see them to completion and fruition and find a way to balance my "work" (writing and art etc) with family, chores, social life, pleasure, etc.

Right now, I have a tendency to neglect my chores when consumed with work.

I want to continue to work, but to do it in a more balanced and appropriate way.

I do want to heal.  I feel bad inside, and have for years.  I want, as the serenity prayer says, to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  (Of course, really, I want to change all the bad things to good, but I do know that's not likely to happen.)

So yeah, I want to improve my relationship with my inner father.  But keep my creativity transformed in a balanced and appropriate way.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Einstein (from Nadine at In Blue Ink)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Breathing Fire in a Vacuum

Breathing Fire in a Vacuum

The glaze that films your eyes like a skim of ice
on an autumn pond worries me.  When I speak,
your ear bends to the sound of a distant motorcycle
or the hum of a twin engine plane, rather than to me
and my words, and your eyes stray to flowers,10
roving insects, dead mice, anything but my face.
Shadow by shadow in the long afternoons,
your attention leaves me.  And who would not
be bored with prattle about insomnia
and fibromyalgia unless they, too, housed
an invisible fire-breathing dragon?  Remember Florence
going on about her heart?  If anyone had listened,
could we have saved her?  Can we still save us?
I think so.  Pain stretches the distance between us,
but sometimes we still reel it in with a touch.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
For BB

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Industrial Sunset

me, at the Ford Rouge Plant.

Bad Things! :-(

Bad Things!  :-(

  1. Bitten!  The good thing is that I finally saw Eager again and gave him peanuts and sunflower seeds.  He sat on my lap and my shoulder.  The bad thing is that when he wanted to play like he used to, he bit gently as usual several times, but then he bit hard enough to draw blood.  WAHN!  I dashed in and washed and squeezed and washed and squeezed.  Guess there will be NO playing with Eager any more.  WAHN!
  2. RATS?  I found two holes in ivy near the birdfeeder that could be rat holes.  We can't put out rat poison or rat traps for fear of harming Eager.  We may have to stop feeding.  But if we do, we'll have to make a concerted effort to get and give Eager some food, though being a squirrel, he should actually be able to survive on his own now.
  3. Tomatoes:  something knocked two more tomatoes off the tomato plant at the back fence--I brought them in and put them ont he windowsill to finish ripening.  They'd be better if they ripened on the "vine."
  4. Sleep ehn!  I was up in the night and awake for a while and then stayed in bed late because I was tired.  I hate that because it bites into my day and work time.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Agitated and Cranky

Well, I needn't have worried about feeling well for the first time in years--I am back to feeling agitated and cranky and horrid and insomniac again today.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

I am not complaining but . . . I am ...

I am not complaining but . . .  I am feeling WELL and I don't know why

The past two days were fraught with stress and worry and lots of bad food.  I ate everything I'm allergic too:  chocolate, peanuts, dairy etc.  I also ate snacks, fried food, drank some coke!  I expected to be up all night last night and to feel absolutely terrible today.  These expectations are a result of years of experience--I usually don't sleep and feel terrible after eating bad food and being stressed.

I am very grateful that in fact I not only (so far, knock on wood) slept very very well (for me), but also feel actually better than normal.

So, of course, now I want to know WHY so that I can hopefully continue to feel well.  Or return to feeling well if I slip away.

So what is different?  Well, I don't know. 

Remember how I slept outside in a tent most of one winter because I suspected inside air of causing me problems?  Because the air conditioner isn't running, we have fan in the bedroom bringing in outside air and one in the bathroom pulling it through.  Could fresh outside air have a positive influence? 

I can't even THINK of what else might be different.

Could it be being rescued by prince charming from all the horrors of a dead car in a distant place?  I dunno.


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