Monday, November 24, 2008

Feeling STUCK with various issues

We have a variety of issues, many of which are due in part of entirely to my illness.  But we/I also have communication problems. 

I have written this note to BB, but I also need to figure out things I can do differently to help change things for the better.

Things you need to know about me:

  1. I do not beg.  I might, if someone put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, but it would be coerced. I will ask for what I want sometimes.  But not repeatedly.  For example, if I tell you I am really tired and want to go to bed and you choose to ignore me, I assume you have things you want to do.
  2. I do not make demands and issue orders except under special circumstances, e.g.:  if you have offered to help cook a meal and need instruction.  I will not tell you to go do the laundry, chop up the leaves, etc, I assume you're a responsible adult capable of doing what needs to be done without prodding.  I do not believe that I am in charge.  I also do not believe that you are in charge.  I believe we have a partnership.  But communication is essential to a partnership, and we need help with that.
  3. I do not stand and wait, because it hurts my hips.  When I am in a lot of pain, I want to keep walking to get somewhere and sit down.  I also do not stand and, for example, look at the stars for extended periods, especially late at night or after walking, because that not only hurts my hips and feet, but also my neck.
  4. I do not sit and wait, if I can avoid it, unless I have something to do.  This is because I get bored and agitated thinking of everything that needs to be done while I am sitting there doing nothing.  Clear communication is essential if we are to accomplish anything together.  For example, if we are planning to go somewhere together or to do something together (e.g.: yard work), you need to let me know when you are READY if I am doing something else!  I am probably waiting for you.
  5. I do not go to bed before you, except when I am genuinely ill.  This is because I often cannot sleep, and I never sleep readily when I first lay down (except under very special circumstances).  If I go to bed first, I lie there waiting for you and getting agitated and bored and then I am more likely to not sleep at all, all night.
  6. I am not obligated to know or remember (or do) ANYTHING.  When I do not sleep for days on end, my memory disappears for even the simplest things.  This is beyond my control; I do not know how to make myself sleep and how to make myself remember when I do not sleep.  Making fun of me or being unkind about it is stupid, mean, unproductive and likely to cause a serious rift.
  7. When I am really sick, you need to take over responsibilities.  You do this well sometimes, but not other times.  Sometimes, I am truly incapable of doing things that require standing, for example.
  8. Lack of sleep for days on end makes me extremely tired and cranky (GROUCHY!)  This is something I cannot seem to control once I get in that state.  Yelling at me because I'm exhausted and cranky and can't help it just makes things WORSE!  If you are tired and cranky too, we should consider planning activities that do not put us in close contact.
  9. I think we need couples counseling and family therapy and I think PB needs help/counseling.  We need assistance learning to communicate with each other because we fail at it miserably.  PB need to work on his attitude and maybe be evaluated.
  10. I desperately need regular contact with nature and WILDNESS (e.g.:  more nature than one can find in the city.)  We need to work on solving this issue or I will be forever unhappy.  I don't seem to be able to change this need; it's deeply ingrained in me.
  11. I need HELP solving the issues of workspace and storage space.  I will not be happy until we get the boxes out of the living spaces.  I need help dealing with the stuff in boxes.  I would like you to help me.
  12. I believe that YOU are the one PRIMARILY responsible for giving PB discipline and orders.  1)You are his father.  2)I am a STEPMOTHER.  Being a stepmother and interloper gives me much less power and authority.  You need to step up to the plate.
  13. I will not throw away or move PW's things by myself because I don't know what's yours and what's hers and what you want.  If we are ever to get things in order, I will NEED YOUR HELP!  I am still living like a guest in this house, which makes me feel unloved and unwanted (and like leaving and going elsewhere.)  I know PW needs to be remembered and cherished--I'd want to be remembered if I died.  However, I need space in the house and PW is not coming back.  She doesn't need her books and other items.

We cannot change other people.  We can tell them what we want, but we cannot change them; we can only change ourselves.  So, I need to ask myself, in what ways can I CHANGE MYSELF that would help solve some of these issues we have. 
  • I can work at trying to solve my health issues so I get enough sleep and feel better and am less cranky, grouchy and reactive.
  • I could get therapy and try to deal with some of these issues.  (But of course, that would mean a struggle with someone other than myself).  I could, in therapy, perhaps learn to communicate better.
  • I could LEAVE BB and move away to a place where I feel more comfortable and closer to nature--but I would be very sad to leave him.
  • I could take assertiveness training.  (Yet again).
  • I could spend less time doing art and writing etc and more time sorting through boxes.  (But I need soemwhere to work).
  • To tell you the truth, I am at my wit's end and don't really know how to solve these issues or what to do.
  • I can take ONE DAY AT A TIME and do my best.  EASY DOES IT but DO IT!
  • I can ask for help (asking for help is NOT the same as begging, I have too remind myself of that), work the steps, take action however small.  Starting NOW--I need to do soemthing, not write.
I feel a little stuck--I need to BREAK OUT and make some changes.


BerryBird said...


I'm so sorry.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

THANKS! I needed that HUG! YAY!

Well, I slept a little better the last two nights, lost a little weight, and feel significantly better and more energetic! YAY!

However, I expect a decline for a while after Thanksgiving, eating where I can't control what I eat very well.


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