Friday, July 31, 2009

Pondering today’s discussion

Pondering today's discussion, Friday, July 31, 2009

If I am driven, at least in part, by my desire to "please my father," who is dead, and if I have internalized my father as an inner father that I am still trying desperately to please, and if I somehow find healing with those inner selves so that I no longer feel driven to succeed at pleasing my inner father, will I lose the drive to create and succeed?  Or will it be possible to find some "middle ground," perhaps a more balanced and pleasant one? 

It frightens me to think I might lose my desire to create.

I have, perhaps, an overly active drive to be creative.  I could be happy to tone it down a little and live in a more balanced way.  But I don't want to LOSE it.

I have, on the one hand, a desire to be creative and a desire to succeed, BUT I also have something that stands in the way of my success—perhaps my ADHD or perhaps something deeper and more insidious.  I work on projects for years and often do not complete them.  I have many unfinished novels poetry manuscripts and art pieces.  I write first drafts of poems, revise them once or twice, and put them aside and rarely send them out.

What I would like is to have a more balanced approach to my creativity, instead of such a driven one.  I would like to work on one or two projects at a time and see them to completion and fruition and find a way to balance my "work" (writing and art etc) with family, chores, social life, pleasure, etc.

Right now, I have a tendency to neglect my chores when consumed with work.

I want to continue to work, but to do it in a more balanced and appropriate way.

I do want to heal.  I feel bad inside, and have for years.  I want, as the serenity prayer says, to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  (Of course, really, I want to change all the bad things to good, but I do know that's not likely to happen.)

So yeah, I want to improve my relationship with my inner father.  But keep my creativity transformed in a balanced and appropriate way.

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