Saturday, December 05, 2009


First, I had dizzy spells and was scared. That was Thursday. Friday, rage. And still, Saturday morning in the wee hours--I haven't tried to go to bed becasue I feel filled with rage and fury, anger, RAGE. I can't sleep when I feel this way. And I feel it for no particular good reason. I read an article that rage can be casued by brain damage, and so can dizziness, so now I am wondering if my brain tumor is causing these feelings. I am frightened by all this!

I made a painting. I don't like the painting, but it represents how I feel. There is anger and also a sense of deep sorrow--about what, I can't say--not even to myself--I mean, I don't KNOW.

Could it be something I'm eating? Am I eating too much meat? (I cooked a turkey--but would that make me dizzy?) Too much sugar? I haven't been having much. :-(

Looking at this picture makes me feel very sad. Also guilty for being so angry.

I feel so wretched and tense (tight around my heart) that I hate being inside my own skin.

Click painting to view larger.


Nadine said...

That sounds awful. I hate when I feel full of rage. Normally it doesn't last long, but it's something I can feel coursing through my veins. I hope you're feeling more like yourself now.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Thanks, Nadine. I don't fgeel very well, becasue I was so agitated I couldn't sleep and I got angry at BB over soemthing really stupid this AM.

I'm thinking I should recluse myself at the retreat house until I feel better so I don't accidentally burn any bridges.

Shadowplay said...

Mary, I have been there, boy... have I. What has helped me in the past (counterintuitive as it sounds) is to let myself fully feel the emotion rather than push it away.

The idea is to bring up the feeling, then drop the thought (tell yourself you can always pick it up again later!) and sink into the raw feeling of it. Might last a minute, might last an hour. You'll notice rage first, then that will morph into another emotion... maybe fear or sadness... rage might come again... just let each wave come and go.

I remember once I was practicing like this under a tree waiting for my car to be fixed... I think I was there close to an hour, just fuming, sometimes crying, going through one emotion after another... by the time the car was done, I was drained of it all.

Not necessarily at peace, but much, much emptier. The next day I felt so light... so clear...

I leaned this technique at a spiritual retreat I went to in Ashland Oregon...

Maybe it will serve you... or maybe you need further clarificaion from your doctor. Either way...know there are people who wish you love and peace.

Sending you blessings...


Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Thank you for this, April!

I think it may be a combination of physiological and psychological factors. I did sit with it some--working on the art helped with that--and had great waves of sadness between the waves of rage and anger.

Anyway, it's gone for now, and I will try that when it happens again. Thank you!


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