More thoughts on forgiveness

Notes in reponsie to my previous post (see below)(Thank you, A)

A friend just told me she thought I was very good at forgiving.

Sometimes, I think I am good at "acting"--at pretending I've forgiven--trying to make my wishes to be a forgiving person into a reality that doesn't fully exist, a sort of hyper "acting as if."

The reason I say that is because I wake up in the middle of the night obsessing about something I think I've "released."  And then can't sleep.

Somethings that seem like little things--like my husband planting grass seed in my garden without asking.

I get mad at him more than anyone else.  I forgive him more than anyone else.  I guess that's not surprising, as we spend more time together than we do with anyone else.

But acting "as if"--as if I've forgiven him--just sort of pushes the hurt feelings deeper down where the resurface to bother me at night,

On the other hand, telling him how I feel often provokes a fight.  And a long drawn out process which may include lots more to try to forgive!!

I'd like to do a better job of being human.  I guess that means forgiving MYSELF for my imperfections, too!

Such Hard Work

Forgiving is SUCH HARD WORK. I have to do it over and over and over and then do it yet again.

I woke up early in the wee hours of morning today, in the darkness, ANGRY yet again about something I thought I'd put behind me. Angry and then depressed. Depressed that I can't seem to let go. I'm angry about a series of relatively small things. What it it were something large? How successful would I be at forgiving?

It's easy to have a holier-than-thou attitude, for me, and think, of course I would do the right thing and be forgiving. It's so much harder to actually do it. And to continue to do it for as long as it takes to succeed.

(This sunflower is a detail from a quilt made by Marie Zeller from Grosse Pointe Michigan and displayed at the Michigan State Fair. Click on the image to view it a little larger.)

Today's Fractal

I have company coming and a zillion things to do, and what am I doing?
PLAYING! BAD ME!!! (Procrastinating--never do now what I can put
off til later or til forever.)

“A life spent in the hedonistic seeki...

"A life spent in the hedonistic seeking of personal pleasure is not a good or honorable life and does not lead to the greatest happiness."

(Not real happiness anyway.  Empty pleasure and happiness are not the same.)

My teenage son spends very little time with BB and me.  When he is with us, he is somewhat surly and unwilling to listen.  I came up with the idea of emailing him very short pithy statements in hopes that he will read them in case I have something important to say--important to him, like so and so called and wants a call back.  By the time he's realized I'm not conveying that kind of information, maybe he will have registered my point.  Or maybe not.

I despair at this point in his becoming a real person, but I guess that's common for the mothers of teenage boys.  I'm told be the time they are 35 or 40, they may actually become human again, but I may not live long enough to see it.

What I emailed to him is the part in quotes.  BB thinks that PB is totally incapable of applying the wisdom to himself, of seeing the connection, of understanding that I mean HIM.  He, PB, the boy, wants nothing other than to hang out with his friends, drink soda, eat junk food, and follow every whim.  He constantly wants us to hand over money for foolish purchases, but he is very angry if we ask him to do anything, including clean his room or rinse his dishes and put them int he dishwasher.  And he walks out without saying goodbye or telling us where he's going.  (Which he just did, and when a friend calls, which one just did, I have no idea what to tell them.)

Anger

This is anger. It is hot and strong and dark and scary. Anger is sad
as well as mad.

This is a left-hand (non-dominant hand) drawing.

Everyone We love VII

Everyone We love VII, by Mary Stebbins Taitt

more insomnia

another variant

Insomnia

I had another sleepless night lastnight.

didn't sleep at all last night

Just when I think I am doing a little better, I have another bad night--I was up all night.  Didn't sleep all all, and now I feel wretched.  I never know what causes it.  I had a somewhat ordinary day foodwise--had a smoothie, thought, first one of the year, with fresh raspberries blueberries and part of a peach in white grape juice and rice milk.  I was angry and upset last night, dreading the day today--I need to call and call and call trying to get an appointment to have the Rolandale house inspected.  They never pick up.  But we have a deadline.  (I don't think the house is ready, either.)  Those are the only two things I can think of--lots of sugar (no added sugar) and fruit, anxiety.

AK--Shoot the computer! Or Detroit Edison!

AK--Shoot the computer!  OR DET Energy (Detroit Edison)

I was working on my novels--I had thee documents open, Frog Haven, Saving Morgan Mountain, and todays Psion installment to SMM.  I pasted the installment into saving Morgan Mountain, spell-checked it, did soem revisions on it, then made all the editorial corrections in this round of Frog Haven and just as I was to save everything, there was some electrical blip and everything DISAPPEARED--everything--when I restarted Word, it had recovered only the Psion installment--the other two were gone.  I had just finished making the last correction in Frog Haven of all the edits sent to me.  I was able to find a version of it that had ONE of those edits, but as to whether the others were there too I do not yet know.  I was unable to find todays work in SMM and not only that, but yesterday's work had disappeared too (though I have a hard copy of that).  I spend a half hour searching and working and repasting the new installment into SMM into yesterday's version which I located on the thumb drive, but I had spent a fair time spell checking and editing, and all that work is LOST!  I have yet to ascertain how much of the new Frog Haven work was lost, if any.

We've been having brownouts and power stoppages and it makes safe computer work very difficult.  NOTE:  I had saved at every point along the way and it still disappeared somehow.  My work was gone, in SPITE of saving.  It seems impossible, but it happened.  I must admit I have an unstable system that crashes a lot over at the Rolandale Retreat House.

Not neat

This is my old house, but the mess has followed me and is invading the new one.