A friend just told me she thought I was very good at forgiving.
Sometimes, I think I am good at "acting"--at pretending I've forgiven--trying to make my wishes to be a forgiving person into a reality that doesn't fully exist, a sort of hyper "acting as if."
The reason I say that is because I wake up in the middle of the night obsessing about something I think I've "released." And then can't sleep.
Somethings that seem like little things--like my husband planting grass seed in my garden without asking.
I get mad at him more than anyone else. I forgive him more than anyone else. I guess that's not surprising, as we spend more time together than we do with anyone else.
But acting "as if"--as if I've forgiven him--just sort of pushes the hurt feelings deeper down where the resurface to bother me at night,
On the other hand, telling him how I feel often provokes a fight. And a long drawn out process which may include lots more to try to forgive!!
I'd like to do a better job of being human. I guess that means forgiving MYSELF for my imperfections, too!
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