Thursday, September 08, 2005; 7:42:47 AM
I am feeling sad again. It's not something that I want to keep talking about—no one wants to hear it. I am sad and depressed. I think the main reason is that I couldn't sleep last night and now I am tired. I'm discouraged because in spite of trying really hard to not eat any offensive foods, I still couldn't sleep! Of course, I'm not sure that the foods are the culprit. But they seem to be.
When I don't sleep, I feel really tired and my fibromyalgia seems to be worse. There was a study where they took healthy people and deprived them of sleep and they developed fibromyalgia. Or fibromyalgia-like symptoms.
I should be happy, or at least a little happy, because we actually took one step toward making my office in the ex-TV room upstairs. We removed the TV and the big chair with its pile of junk and moved the couch into a new position to make room for my desk. But I can see that all the other junk is not going to fit in here, the filing cabinets and so on. I don't want to move the couch out because at least at the moment, it is where we gather for stories at night and that is an important family ritual. But if we don't move the couch, half the office will be in one room and half in another or maybe even spread out more than that to several rooms. This will spread the clutter around the house and make organizing my stuff more difficult. Well, we'll have to see how things develop.
I am happy in an intellectual way, but I don't feel happy. I do feel slightly encouraged, because when the desk is ready, I will move my computer and the bird and be over the hump where I am really living more here than there. Maybe eventually, I will actually get rid of the house in Kimbrook and live in Detroit. Get divorced and get remarried. I hope so, I cannot believe how long this is all taking. It seems absurd!
I think I don't "feel" happy because my emotions are "depressed" by tiredness. I like it much better when I actually feel happy. Of course I prefer to feel happy and energetic rather than tired, depressed and sluggish. I wish I could sleep at night and feel better during the day.
Right now, I am sorting through the pile of junk that has been sitting for months on one cushion of the chair. Some of it is mine and some of it is Keith's. Some of it is garbage and some is important. I need to do that in order to make a space to move the card table that the computer (Della, Keith's computer) is on so that we can begin setting up the desk. YAY! YEBA! Slow progress is better than no progress, right?
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats