Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A Sense of Pressure

050906 MP Tuesday, September 06, 2005; 11:11 AM  I feel a sense of pressure.   I feel a little overwhelmed.  I feel tired and depressed.  I feel as if I am on the edge—on the edge of exploding, on the edge of anger.   I am not happy or well and for no particularly good reason that I can readily determine.  I AM TAKING A BREAK TO WRITE BECAUSE I FEEL AS IF I must WRITE.   I FEEL DESPERATE.  Oh dear, those cap locks were not intentional but they may as well have been.  I suppose.


I love Keith and I am happy to be in a relationship with him, but at the same time, I feel as if somehow I am being lost.


He may well feel the same way.


I just read this morning that widowers tend to remarry within two years and those that do tend to be unhappy, because they need to talk about their dead wives and the new wives, for appropriate reasons, don't want to talk about the other women their husbands loved.   The lack of ability to talk about their dead wives and their grief is not good for their health.  They need to talk about it.   They need to discuss what happened and how they feel about it.


I believe this and I have upon occasion invited Keith to talk about Susan in the past, but he rarely does, and I can't blame him, because of course it upsets me terribly to imagine him loving another woman, being intimate with her and so on.   I don't even like to write about it.


I understand of course that he hadn't met me yet and he wasn't being unfaithful to me or anything, and I too had previous husbands.   And previous intimacies, of course.  But knowing that intellectually does not make it feel any better—it still hurts. I don't know why.  I hate for my hurt, my possibly unreasonable hurt, to hurt Keith.  If he needs tot alk, I wish he could—to a counselor, to a friend, or even to me—he would just have to approach it with care and caution.   He would have to preface his remarks by saying something like:  "I really need to talk about Susan, would you be willing to listen?"   And then to also listen to my own fears about it.


I keep taking deep breaths and sighing, as if there were something heavy weighing on me, but I don't know what it is.   There are a lot of little things, but I am not sure what is upsetting me so much.


Here are some things that are bothering me right now:


  • The lack of progress on selling the Kimbrook house and settling the divorce and marrying Keith and getting moved to Detroit
  • The fact that NO ONE (including us, Keith and I, the lawyer, Bruce and so on), seems to care or be making any effort at all toward making progress in this direction.
  • My constant pain, my fibromyalgia and associated symptoms, my insomnia, my fatigue and tiredness, my grouchiness, irritability and on-edgeness.
  • My lack of energy and motivation—I feel so depressed I don't want to do anything at all right now, and when I do want to do things, I don't seem to have any energy
  • Old age ("and treachery")
  • A heaviness of heart
  • The fact that I am not writing or doing any of my creative work
  • The loss of all my work on the hard drive of Dead
  • The disorganization of everything, my inability to locate any of my stuff anywhere any more, due to the move in part, and my forgetfulness, and lack of organizational skills and energy and the fact that there is nowhere to put anything.  
  • The increasing messiness of the Detroit house—it seems to be heading in the same direction as the Kimbrook house.
  • Tension in the family, between Keith and Graham, Keith and me, Graham and me etc.
  • An overall sense of impending doom (I tend to have an all or nothing attitude when I'm depressed and it seems like everything is bad).
  • I feel as if I am just too fat and always getting fatter and there is nothing I can do about it.
  • I feel as if I can't get enough air, as if things are closing in on me
  • I'm worried about my mother, her health and happiness, her house, her estate, her car etc.
  • I want to write, but now that everything is lost I feel as if I have to start all over from scratch and don't know where to begin.   It seems like a hopeless task.  Everything feels hopeless.
  • I feel guilty for feeling this way in the light of the hurricane victims in New Orleans, the Tsunami victims, the starvation victims, the war victims etc.   The English bombing victims and the Russian bombing victims and all the other suffering people in the world—those with Malaria and tuberculosis and cancer etc.   I feel bad for them but I still feel bad for myself and I also feel as if I have no right to feel bad but I do.  AK

Well, I could go on and on, but I guess this isn't doing a bit of good.

I guess I will go out and walk around the block in the sunshine.  Maybe that will help.



11:51 AM even the sun through the window is cheering me--a little!

I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats


peacorpus said...

I guess, consoling you won't do any good. I feel like what you need is relaxed time, by yourself, or with Keith. I promise I'll be quiet and leave you for a while. Take care, I love you.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Thanks for your kind remarks. I appreciate it. I also like getting email, as long as it's not overwhelming when I'm overwhelmed. I feel a little better today so far anyway.


peacorpus said...

Hi, Mary. I have reread this post, and well, I think you are in this phase wherein you feel too much uncertainties because of the things that are bound to change a lot in, well, your lifestyle for one. I think moving to Detroit permanently is one of those? But you will be with Keith. I remember you telling me before that you think my idea of moving or resettling to New York will be a much bigger step, and I know that, but deep inside me I feel that I can do it. Would want to do it. I'm probably just waiting for things to settle, well, here at home first. I suppose you will need more time to think things through, but I'm sure you'll get over them and can decide soon which will be best. You love Keith, and he definitely loves you. Graham too. I remember the times when Scott told me about the "others" and well, even if I was very civil about it at the start, of course it wasn't a really nice thing to hear, coming from him. So I think Keith's way of just keeping Susan to himself at this time, is well, good enough. Sensible and sensitive of him. Maybe it will just pop in in one of your conversations and it will be better that way. I think you are just a bit agitated from all the events whirling around your life now. But everything will settle down. I'm sure it has by now, somehow, right? I am so happy for you and Keith. I wish I can be there if the time comes that you two will get married. Weddings always make me cry, but I always want to be at weddings. I hope you feel alot better now, both physically and emotionally. I wish I can be there so we can talk about this. But I'll be here, just here if you need to. I love you, Mary.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Thank you Pea, for your kind comments. I am feeling much better today, so far. I suffer from insomnia and fibromylagia, and when the insomnia and fibromyalgia are bad (they tend to go hand in hand), I get depressed and everything seems overhelming and negative. A little more sleep and a little less pain helps a lot. As do your kind words. Many of the other problems still remain, but I feel more able to cope with them.

I am sorry you were told about "the others." That is always sad and hard to take. I don't think we appreciate that when we share this info. On the other hand, honesty and openness are good and healthy and secrets can lead to a lot of pain, too. It's hard to know.

It is not so much that I want to hear about Susan as it is that I want to be available for Keith to be able to talk to. If he needs and wants to, hard as it may be to hear. OR--I would like him to have SOMEONE to talk to.

peacorpus said...

Yes, I guess it was for the same reason that I had opened up myself for him to talk about the "others." I suppose he has always thought of me as someone he can run to if things have gone awry. He still does, every now and then. And I guess I like it. Well, anything that has me talking with him is a delight, both to my heart and to my soul. Really, that must sound very dramatic, but that is what he does. But of course I gave him something to ponder on about our "relationship" at that time and he was somehow apologetic for doing so. You're right, he is a sweet man. Knows how to comfort me when I needed to as well.

Well, as for your fibromyalgia and insomnia, I think I might have the right thing for that. Kinda naughty, so i will just send it to your email. I tell you, it can be one big YEBA!!! :)

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Yes, he is a sweet man! That us for sure, gentle and loving and nice.

Yes, I do think some good sex would help on all fronts--I hope we get some soon! YEBA!

I had a terrible night last night, a painful stomach ache and really bad insomnia, and I am afraid that will be a recipe for disaster later when I am tried and cranky.


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