I am reading Stand Still Like a Hummingbird by Henry Miller again. In "When to Reach for My Revolver," he says, "[The Great artist's] idea of freedom is a life lived imaginatively." YES! OH YES! That is good. I have been wondering for years what freedom was, and now, I find an idea that comes close, somehow, to my own concept of freedom. {See page 37 of this record.} I spent a lifetime looking for freedom, but it was always "freedom from." I ran away form college, dropped out, went to NYC searching for freedom from restrictions. I left NY looking for freedom from dirt, smells, filth, disease, smog, etc. I left Peter because I wanted freedom from his control. I must now search for "freedom to." I want freedom to live life imaginatively, freedom to live my life in every sense of the word.
from p 37:
July 6, 1965, age 19
People here are not communicating well.
July 6, 1965, age 19
People here are not communicating well.
THIS IS FREEDOM
this dirt, confusion, day to day living here at 212 E 7th street in NYC is freedom. Freedom from parental restrictions, almost complete freedom from the law, freedom from sex hang-ups and many other hang-ups, freedom to do what one wants, something so many people want. But this is not freedom. A new set of restrictions have been lowered to replace the old. There is no freedom to do anything one wants. Things cost money and we have none. One is not free from hunger or free to eat as one pleases. One is not free from work, for one must cook in order to eat, wash clothes in order to be clean, One can eliminate all luxuries and live in pure simplicity, spend ones time eating, sleeping and cleaning up, but that assumes something to eat. We have nothing. This isn't good for me. I want out.
this dirt, confusion, day to day living here at 212 E 7th street in NYC is freedom. Freedom from parental restrictions, almost complete freedom from the law, freedom from sex hang-ups and many other hang-ups, freedom to do what one wants, something so many people want. But this is not freedom. A new set of restrictions have been lowered to replace the old. There is no freedom to do anything one wants. Things cost money and we have none. One is not free from hunger or free to eat as one pleases. One is not free from work, for one must cook in order to eat, wash clothes in order to be clean, One can eliminate all luxuries and live in pure simplicity, spend ones time eating, sleeping and cleaning up, but that assumes something to eat. We have nothing. This isn't good for me. I want out.
--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary
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