Sunday, October 23, 2005

Diary of an Insomniac, 10/23/05

I don't want to die.  I know we all have to die sometime, but I would rather it be later than sooner.


I've got allergies, tonight, or a cold, or both.  It's often hard for me to tell the difference.  My nose is clogged, and I can't breathe.  At all.  Not through my nose.


I took an antihistamine, but it only helped for a little while.  Meanwhile, I got the Sahara Desert sirocco in my nostrils and sinuses.  Ouch—hot winds!  Horrible.  It really hurt.  Ok, you're saying, you're ridiculous.  Maybe I am.  I seem to be overly sensitive about everything relative to other people.  But that didn't take away the pain as I experienced it.


Then the congestion returned, all of it.  I can't get a breath of air through my nostrils.


If I can't breathe through my nose, I can't wear my CPAP.  If I can't wear my CPAP, I can't sleep.  My doctor says, never sleep without the CPAP, you could die.  I don't want to die.  I think I said that.  I must admit, though, that I was so tired, I tried sleeping anyway.  I slept for just under two hours from 10:35 or so until 12:30.  It's 3:25 AM and I've been up ever since.  I can't sleep.


I have sleep apnea, and my throat closes up when I sleep.  The soft tissues relax and close the air passage.  My body is literally smothering itself.  Usually, I wake up in a panic gasping for air.  But, the doctor says, sometime, I might just not wake up.  I might die instead.  People do.  I don't want to die.


It might help if I could lose weight, but sleep apnea causes weight gain and I can't seem to lose weight.  It might not help anyway, but I'd like to give it a try.


Meanwhile, I can't sleep, so I am sitting up.  But I might go lie down.  Try again.  I'm so very tired.


Meanwhile, I am charging my camera battery so I can download the pix from our trip to Gail's.  That will take a couple hours.  I sure don't want to sit and wait for it.

I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

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