A pear and two apples

this is part of a series. 

Christmas Card Outtake

MERRY CHRISTMAS from US! 

Feeling Continental Again :-)

I walk 45 minutes a day because of my fibromyalgia—it helps ameliorate the symptoms somewhat. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes very hard. Sometimes impossible. Then I walk less. Or, worse yet, not at all, which starts a downward spiral.

Last night, we divided the duties. Keith often walks with me, but he went grocery and gift shopping while I walked and wrapped. The gifts I had ordered for him were out of stock and I had nothing at all for him. Zilch! I also had nothing for my Mom. It was raining. I put on my raincoat, hat and backpack and walked to the Village Market where I got candy for my mother—just a small little bag of it. (I’d like to get my Mom a blouse or a sweatsuit. I finally decided that that would be the best thing. New clothes are something she still gets pleasure from and something she can use. But time is running out. And I have to have something.) I also got candy for Keith. At least he’ll have something to open.

Then I walked a couple blocks down Mack to Mr. C’s where I got some whiskey for Keith. He’s been asking for it. I’d rather not buy him whiskey, but since my other gifts fell through, I figured I’d better have something on hand to put under the tree. I also got a small gift for Erwin. The things I got were heavy and really weighed down my backpack so it hung hard on my shoulders. I felt as if it would sever the arms from the neck. But I kept walking.

I still had a half hour to walk and it was dark and rainy and lonely. My fibro flared, my shoulders hurt (a lot!), but I just kept trudging. More and more slowly. I wanted to hurry, but I couldn’t because I was too stiff and sore. I was sad—to be in pain—but happy, because now I at least had a little something for everyone on my list—no one at least in my immediate family will be empty-handed. Phew! Relief and pleasure, happiness and joy. YAY! And I did it all on foot, even with my fibro! (Boy, there’s a lot of stress connected with Christmas! Glad to release a little of it! Yippee! Earlier, Keith and I had gone out to Connie’s and finally gotten some of the things we’d searched and searched for the day before without any luck. They were gifts for granddaughter Rachel. YAY! All in all a much more successful day.)

I wanted to hurry because I wanted to beat Keith home (he was out in the car.) I didn’t want him to see me carrying the heavy, heavy bag and suspect me of walking to Mr. C’s and getting him whiskey. I wanted it to be a surprise. And I did beat him home. I left the whisky in the backpack in its normal place (where he was unlikely to notice or think anything of it) and now that he is at work, I’m going to go down and get it and wrap it and hide it. (However, he saw the gift I got Erwin, so he may suspect me of having gone to Mr. C’s anyway, DUH, I should have hidden that, too!)

I still have cards to make—Christmas cards to mail and gift cards if I don’t run out of time and a sweatsuit to buy for my Mom and gifts to wrap but I feel a lot better.

Christmas wouldn't be so difficult if I didn't make much of what I give. I made not only the cards, but also the wrapping paper. It takes a long time and it is becoming evident that I will not get them done in time. So don't expect cards from me this year!!!

Shopping in stores has been even less satisfactory! However, the crowds were not nearly as bad this year as last--Detroit economy? Major auto layoffs? 

A note to Sara

Christmas brings out the curmudgeonliness is many of us, I'm afraid.  Last night we shopped and shopped and shopped and found NOTHING we were looking for and came home empty handed! 

I got a message from New World Records that the esoteric records I'd ordered for Keith were out of stock--a week after I ordered them.  And too late to order more somewhere else.  Or anything else.

Christmas MAKES one curmudgeonly!  Only the highest of the high rise above it.

A Note to DisFib

I sleep with my legs out from under the covers on ever the coldest nights. And worse yet, for a restful sleep, I get my whole self in and out of the covers many times during the night. During the day, I take my outer shirt on and off multiple times, but at least I don't have to wake myself up to do it! LOL! (Wahn!)

My fibro is changing my life. Walking and hiking and backpacking and snowshoeing and cross-country skiing used to be among my favorite things to do--so am I still me if I can't do what I loved to do. Yes. I'm me, but a slightly different version of me.

"Sidewalk Art"

As I was walking back from the doctor, I stopped to take this picture. When the cement of poured for the concrete sidewalk, a leaf got caught in it, resulting in this imprint or "fossil."
I'm working on a series of these and hope to publish them at some point. This one is a silver maple, I think.

It isn't really sidewalk "art," unless you call it "found art," and I would like another name for the series. 

Feeling a Little bit “Continental"

I was out of meds for three weeks and I couldn’t get a 90-day prescription from my old doctor in NY and I couldn’t get a local appointment “until January at the earliest.” But I did finally get one, with Dr. Muna Beeai (BAY-ee). She’s located at 131 Kerchival. She came highly recommended.

I walked there this morning. It took me twenty minutes to walk from the house to the doctor’s. As soon as I got there, they processed me and took me in. The doctor was very nice and intelligent and caring and sympathetic. Great chair-side manners. I really liked her.

I was given multiple blood tests and the nurse only pricked me once. Ouch, but many do it multiple times because I have “bad veins.” It was a treat to have a competent phlebotomist. And they gave me some sample Lipitor to tide me over until I receive my new meds which I still have to order from Medco. I’m a little concerned about the Lipitor, since I was on Lescol before. I worry about changing drugs because I’ve had a lot of bad drug reactions. She did not have any sample Synthroid.

She recommended that I see a therapist for my ADHD and got me an appointment for January 4th. I worry that they will just want to medicate me, but I will wait and see. And she wants me to see an allergist for skin testing for food sensitivities. I have to call to make that appointment.

I walked back from the doctor's. It was an amazingly beautiful pleasant day, 42 degrees, still unmelted frost and ice, but sunny and fresh. Then I walked to the Village Market, shopped for today and tomorrow and carried my food home in a backpack. That’s what makes me feel a little continental, walking to the doctor, walking to the market. It pleases me. I could also walk to the P&C from my house in Kimbrook, but it was farther and not a small local market.

(I went on-line to Medco, but my Prescriptions haven’t shown up yet. I don’t know how long it takes.)

I love this beautiful warm sunny weather, but I worry about the polar bears and penguins!

In an outdoor Christmas Ornament

This is me with my new camera, Giovanna, in the First Light series. The picture was taken at the corner closest to our house (only a few houses away. But, across the street))

Fibro Yeses, NOs and Maybes

Things that help my Fibro:
Ø Lots of good healthy relaxing SLEEP
Ø Relaxation
Ø Massage
Ø Appropriate exercise
Ø Healthy food
Ø Stretching
Ø Laughter
Ø Fun
Ø Happiness
Ø Being held and touched and loved
Ø Enjoyable productive engagement (e.g.: art, writing, photography, visiting, friendship, social causes)

Things that Hurt my Fibro
Ø Insomnia or lack of sleep or bad sleep. This is an issue for me because the fibromyalgia triggers seem to cause or exacerbate the insomnia!
Ø Certain foods (for sure absolutely!): soy, dairy, chocolate, coffee
Ø Stress, anger, frustration
Ø too much or too little exercise

Possible beneficial affects:
Ø I read that eating meals where the proportion of protein is greater than carbohydrates can help fibro. If this is true, I should feel better on omelette days than on oatmeal days. Unless I put something bad in the omelette. I had oatmeal this morning, so I need to pay attention. I have noticed that sugar and refined carbs make my vision blurry and have other negative affects. Last night I had mango sorbet and lay awake with night sweats much of the night. Dunno if it was the mango sorbet, though, or something else.

Possible problems or triggers for my fibromyalgia:
Ø Nuts, beans and legumes, apples, onions, citrus
Ø As suggested by Autumn: green peppers, beef and red meats

Two down, 493,528 to go

YAY, I finally completed one more thing on my to-do list (and one on Keith's but that doesn't cross one off mine).

Better and worse

I was feeling more or less OK (I'm never really 100% any more), but after breakfast, I had a bad fibro flare-up--something I ate?  After I showered, I felt a little better again.  Not great, but the flare-up subsided somewhat.  I still feel achy and stiff. 

One of the things that really bothers me is standing.  Museums are ultra bad.  I took some Tylenol, which the doctor recommended for pain, BEFORE going to the museum, the DIA, on Saturday, but my flare-up with still terribly terribly painful.  I wonder if the Tylenol didn't work, or if it would have been even worse without it.  Horrors.  I hate to even imagine that.  I do know things can always get worse!

Things I should do today!

I saw a version of this on Autumn's blog and thought it looked appropriate for me.  LOL!

Things I should do today!

1)call doctors.  I need a new doctor, I am out of meds (for two weeks now!) and out of prescriptions and my old doctor is more than 400 miles away and no longer wants write scripts for me.
2)get my name changed and half my ID has my old name and half my new name and when I go to sign a credit card, I have to figure out which name to use. 
3)do some banking.  I've been using Keith's credit card for my purchases and need to get him some money to pay him back!
4)wrap presents
5)shop
6)laundry (two baskets overflowingly full
7)unpack and make a space for the Christmas tree

What I will probably do:

1)find new and silly ways to waste time and be distracted (I have ADHD!)
2)file management (important, but why do I always start some long term project just when I have something more urgent to do?)
3)print Christmas letters (because I started that)
4)cook something yummy (there's always an excuse to cook--it's called dinner!  LOL!)(But I don't need to eat a lot!)
5)Think about peace, wish for peace, and maybe do art for peace
6)pray for relief from my pain  (having a fibro flare)
7)procrastinate

--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary

Things I should do today

I saw a version of this on Autumn's blog and thought it looked appropriate for me. LOL!

Things I should do today!

1)call doctors. I need a new doctor, I am out of meds (for two weeks now!) and out of prescriptions and my old doctor is more than 400 miles away and no longer wants write scripts for me.

2)get my name changed and half my ID has my old name and half my new name and when I go to sign a credit card, I have to figure out which name to use.

3)do some banking. I've been using Keith's credit card for my purchases and need to get him some money to pay him back!

4)wrap presents

5)shop

6)laundry (two baskets overflowingly full

7)unpack and make a space for the Christmas tree


What I will probably do:

1)find new and silly ways to waste time and be distracted (I have ADHD!)

2)file management (important, but why do I always start some long term project just when I have something more urgent to do?)

3)print Christmas letters (because I started that)

4)cook something yummy (there's always an excuse to cook--it's called dinner! LOL!)(But I don't need to eat a lot!)

5)Think about peace, wish for peace, and maybe do art for peace

6)pray for relief from my pain (having a fibro flare)

7)procrastinate


This is the third time I tried to post this, I hope it goes this time or I will have to give up. It wasn't that important to begin with. It was supposed to be sort of funny, if somewhat true, but it has completely lost any humor for me. I not only have other things to do, but it is getting late.

Sorry about the sensor spots, I don't have time to fix them. The picture is a sun dog. 

Fibro haze

Pain makes a haze and the fibro causes short term memory loss. Sometimes the world gets out of focus and hard to handle.

I was feeling more or less OK when I got up this morning, (I'm never really 100% any more), but after breakfast, I had a bad fibro flare-up--something I ate? After I showered, I felt a little better again. Not great, but the flare-up subsided somewhat. I still feel achy and stiff.

One of the things that really bothers me is standing. Museums are ultra bad. On Saturday, I took some Tylenol, which the doctor recommended for pain, BEFORE going to the museum, the DIA, but my flare-up with still terribly terribly painful. I wonder if the Tylenol didn't work, or if it would have been even worse without it. Horrors. I hate to even imagine that. I do know things can always get worse!

I have a book that lists foods that can cause fibro flare-ups in some people. The book is prolly packed in some box. But I do remember that onions are fairly high on the list. The list goes from foods most likely to case flare-ups to foods less likely but still responsible for flare-ups in some people. And I unthinkingly bought some green onions Friday and have put them in everything I ate since then for 5 days. Including my omelette this morning and supper tonight. AND I've been having multiple flare-ups and lots of pain and IBS and other annoying symptoms MUCH worse than usual. Could it be the onions?

It doesn't help when blogger isn't working and doesn't post my posts, multiple times. It's not that the posts themselves are important, but the frustration of doing something, espcially something minor that should be easy, over and over is very upsetting. It's frsutrating and I hate to say this, but it makes my fibro worse!

I posted about 5 posts to this blog today and only one of them posted. This is now about the 6th or 7th time I've tried to post this and it is seeming like it's not worth it with everything else I have to do. This is one of three posts that did not post when I originally posted them, so now they are all out of order and I cannot afford the time right now to fix them.

morning flare-up

I am still worrying about my morning flare-up, which is still with me, only not as bad as earlier. Since I do not usually have a flare-up after breakfast, I am suspicious of the things I do not usually eat: I had a slice of toasted multigrain bread with rosehip jam. That is not something I normally eat during the week. Could one or both of those have caused the problem--or something else?

Abstract Lines in Siennas and Heathers etc with Ball Chains

I went to the DIA today with Keith and Gail and had a terrible painful attack of Fibromyalgia that rendered parts of the visit nearly unbearable.

See us at the DIA.

See us "thinking" at the DIA. 

Leaves in Autumn Pattern

Leaves in Autumn Pattern, by Mary Stebbins Taitt

There is a melancholy that comes with autumn. 

Not any port in a storm

I'm so glad to be HOME, and glad that THIS house and this family feels good to me, feels more and more like home. The Kimbrook house no longer feels like home, and that feels sad. Happy and sad and all mixed up. Happy and hopeful for Erin, but a sense of bereavement for me. But this sadness is balanced by a growing sense of love and belonging for this house and home and family! I'm not settled here yet, by any means, lots of boxes still to unpack. But I'm here, I'm home and I'm happy to be here.

I miss my friends and family in NY, AND I love my new friends and new family. It's confusing and difficult sometimes. I wish I didn't have to leave loved ones behind. At the same time, my new life feels more and more happy and settled.

I've just returned from a long grueling drive, from a brief time in NY, too short a visit for the amount of driving involved. Tonight is Dale's birthday and then Graham's piano recital. Sometimes I wish I could be in two places at once. And I'm happy happy happy to be here.

(The picture is the lighthouse at Mackinac Island--representing any port in a storm. (NOT!))

Delays and true confessions

Well, it's after noon and I haven't left yet for the long drive to NY.  I made a huge mistake and tried to transfer files to the hard drive and of course it is taking way longer than I thought and I am going to have to cancel it unfinished which will make file management very confusing later, but if I want to leave I have no choice.  I never should have started it.  I should have started it days ago or been doing it all along.  WAHN!

I wanted to get all packed and ready yesterday, but yesterday I was too sick.  I got some of it done, but not very much.  I thought I had the car all packed and then realized I haven't packed the computers and gear and not only that, I can't pack them at least until I stop the file transfers.      I need to transfers the files for several reasons, so they will be portable and so they will be backed up and to free space on Blue's C drive.  But NOT the day I am trying to leave.

There've been a bunch of other delays--I posted that same picture to BP this morning that misposted yesterday and I read at breakfast (as I always do when I'm alone) and got sucked in and read longer than I should have.  I'm reading Psion.  More on that later.  Suffice it to say that I am liking it.

Pears with Stilton

Pears with Stilton, by Mary Stebbins Taitt. See alternate version at Imagik. 

Graham and Andrew on the dunes

Another version of Graham and Andrew on the dunes, posted in several other versions. 

Insomnia Again!

I had insomnia again last night.  It was accompanied by restlessness (restless mind and body), tossing, overheatedness, itchy-crawly skin, tension and tightness of muscles.  I was tired but not sleepy, I wanted to sleep, but couldn't.  I was not the worst insomnia.  Maybe a 7.5.  I never got up in the night, and I did sleep some, but I was restless, agitated, overly hot, itchy and crawly and uncomfortable.

This is what I ate yesterday:  oatmeal, bran, raisins, rice milk, cheerios, fresh wild-caught tuna, lemon, white wine, ginger (quite a bit of it), yellow squash, broccoli, shiitake mushrooms, portabella mushrooms, salt, pepper, whole wheat pastry flour, canola oil, olive oil, garlic and parsley.  Most of those items are foods I've eaten without difficulty.  I have suspected ginger before.  I've also suspected cheerios, but there is nothing listed in the ingredients that should cause a problem.  Another possibility is the wine.  Or what?  I also was not upset any more than usual.  I did walk later than usual.  And faster than usual.  But what?  What's the difference?  Why do I sleep better some nights and worse others?  None of the possible causes seem to be consistent.  :-(

I wish I could just sleep.  Not getting enough sleep deprives me of the energy I need to do things and worsens the fibromyalgia!

Suspects:  ginger, cheerios, wine, late walk.

Backpacking, 9/20/93 & 9/11/93

From my handwritten journal: I just had a "revelation" that I don't really like backpacking except as a tool to spend more time in the mountains and woods.

from 9/11/93 (Hiking alone on the Colorado Trail): I forgot to mention how very happy, serene and peaceful I felt up on the mountain last night before I got too tired. There was nowhere in the world I would rather have been last night than there.

Insomnia

Eyes wide open all night! :-(



(see more pix at Imagik) 

INSOMNIA!

Last night, I had pretty bad insomnia, and I don't know why.  What causes it?

The only thing that I ate differently yesterday from the day before was lamb.  I find it difficult to believe that lamb is the cause of insomnia because I think I have insomnia more often that I have lamb.  Could it be a threshold, and I ate too much of something?

I was no more upset yesterday than the day before, I don't think, in fact, I was probably more upset the night before after just having read about Erin's health problem.  I am upset by the piles of boxes waiting to be unpacked and the dearth of places to put the contents, but that is nothing new.

If it's not food and it's not upset, then what is it?  What is different from one night to the next that causes me to lie awake?

Headed for New York

I'm headed for New York today, and then a few days later, to Pennsylvania.  I have two poetry readings and a new art show.  It will be a while before I am able to leave, as I've been so busy preparing for the poetry reading and art show that I haven't packed yet.  In fact, I just went down and started a load of laundry that contains things I want to take.  I mean to do that yesterday but got deeply involved with a poem that wouldn't let me go.  Now it turns out that the reading is a little too long.  I timed it last night, and I probably will have to leave off that poem that took so long yesterday.  Not that the work will be lost (I hope), but it could have been done at a more auspicious time, I guess.  I didn't know that, though, at the time I was working on it.

I spent some time this morning with Graham, since I won't be seeing him for a while.  He's grown so much I can't believe it.  So tall, so much more mature, and yet, still so young, so very young.  And yesterday, I spent some special time with Keith, since I won't see him for a while either.  Sweet time.  Loving time.  Time not spent packing, but better, more wisely spent.  This morning his alarm went off at 4:23 and I scratched his back for him, sleepily.  He squeezed my hand goodbye and left.  He has to be at work at 6 AM. 

another fibro blogger

http://www.perfectiononacurve.com/fibro.html

 

this is the link to the fibro related section, but you can then hop to her regular blog from there.

Things You Can't (Or shouldn't) Talk or Complain About

1. Chronic Pain and health problems.  Everyone gets bored with it.  No matter how much it hurts.  They come to you with a hangnail or a sliver, but don't want to hear about the much worse pain you have.  And how it still hurts, weeks, months, years later.  Not that I blame them for that. 
   
2. IBS, constipation, etc.  Yetch!
3. Female problems (or male problems, if you're a guy).  Too private, and then there's the yetch factor.
   
4. How busy you are.  Even if you think you're busier, they're probably busy, too.  Or, if they're not, they're resentful that you are (I've really had this happen)
5. Hangnails (who cares?)(OK, so they do hurt sometimes.  So what?)
6. Your affair. I suppose it's juicy gossip, but I find it upsetting--AK!  OK, OK, you can tell me.  But I might tell just one person who might tell one other.  Etc.
7. Family secrets.  (Someone in the family might find out what you said.)
   

There are lots more.  I actually believe, however, that with the right person, you should be able to talk honestly and openly about anything.  And some family secrets should definitely be shared.  Like abuse.

No Place for me (Trying to unpack)

When I arrived in Detroit, when I officially moved here, I had over 200 boxes. Boxes, bags, suitcases, partly unpacked piles from previous unpacking attempts. Almost that many still remain. I am trying to unpack. Every day, I open a box and wander around with the contents, but can find no place to put them. Today, I unpacked some spices. But the spice rack was full. The spice cupboard was full. I opened some of the spices and combined them. But not all of them were combinable. And I didn't even bring all my spices with me. Imagine how long it will take to unpack a single box if I have to take the tops off spices to combine them in order to be able to remove them from the box? And that's one small box. About 1/4 unpacked so far.

There are boxes everywhere in the house. But the house was already full. There is no place for me in this house. I had a whole housefull of stuff of my own, and I left more than half of it behind. Well, a lot, counting the furniture and the junk. I also left behind stuff I wanted and stuff I might want.

The Solar

It's sunny outside but very chilly in the house.  Makes me miss "The Solar."  At the old house, I had solar panels.  They were poorly designed and a pain in the neck most of the time, but on a cold sunny autumn or spring day, they were just the ticket!  I'd love a little of that solar warmth right now!

The Falling Moon

The Falling Moon (by Me) 

Touch

I was in bed almost 11 hours in order to get maybe 2 and half hours of sleep. 

Last night, after dinner, I had a terrible attack of fibromyalgia, the worst one in a long time.  My neck and shoulders were almost unbearably painful (I say almost unbearably painful because I did bear it—what choice did I have?).  I asked Keith to rub them and he did—it helped a little.  It did help.

I don't know what caused the fibro attack.  I have no idea what brought it on.  My guess is that I inadvertently ate something I'm allergic to.

Keith suggested a whole body rub, but I said no because I was working on something urgent and critical that I needed to finish.

A little while later, he wanted to go to bed, early, and asked me to come and have a rub.  At that point, even though I had more to do, I agreed.  That was a little after ten.  He gave me a full massage.  I had to tell him to let off a little at first, because it hurt so very much.  Usually I like a firm massage.  He built up to a little more.  When he quit, I asked him to do my shoulders one more time because they still hurt so much.  Then he rubbed my body gently, effleurage, caresses.  I felt much better, better but not well.  I was more relaxed and the pain and tension had subsided somewhat.  But I lay awake all night long.  I was still awake when he got up at 4:23 to go to work.  And I was still awake at 6:00 and at 6:23. 

I twisted and turned like a rotisserie.  The ligaments kept tightening and hurting worse and I had to move to stretch them.  Whatever side was down itched, and I had to turn to scratch it.  I probably kept Keith awake, or at least prevented him from sleeping well.  I was still better than some nights where I was so agitated I had to get up.  At least I lay in bed and got some rest of sorts.

All night I had watched the clock, 3:00, 3:07, 3:12, 3:17, etc.  I'd close my eyes, try to sleep, lay there for what seemed like a long time, and 5 minutes would have passed.  Finally, some time after 6:23, I dozed restlessly.  I got up at 9.  That's at least two hours of my day lost, to say nothing of my night.  I feel guilty to lose part of my day.  But if I didn't sleep for those two hours, I wouldn't have slept at all.

Everything hurts.  My body feels like a giant bruise.  Any move brings more pain.  It isn't quite as bad as it was last night.  The touch helped quite a bit.  But I need more of it, and Keith is at work, and I'm in a lot of pain.  Oh for some touch and a little relief.

Sick again

After a couple pretty good days, I am sick again.  Everything hurts, particularly my neck, shoulders, back and hips.  I must have inadvertently eaten something I'm allergic to.  I sent Keith down to read the ingredients on the brand of pasta I bought but it wasn't that.

I made such a nice meal, too:  barbecued pork chops, homemade applesauce, a side of real gumbo with okra, and fresh pomegranate.  It was yummy.  I made Graham buttered noodles and a hamburger, since he wasn't interested in what I'd made for Keith and I.

Food allergies:

DAIRY: 

all dairy of all kinds  (I cannot have:  milk, cheese, ice cream sherbet (most contain milk))
I can have MOST sorbets (but not all--ingredients must be read)
I can have homemade coconut ice cream made with coconut milk (which is served in some Thai restaurants)
I CAN have veganrella oat cheese (available at the health food stores)

SOY:

no soy of any kind or quantity, no soy sauce, tamari sauce, tofu etc
no veggie burgers that contain soy
no soy additives such as in mayonnaise and margarine

BEANS:

I am allergic to most, if not all beans, legumes, lentils, peas etc

NUTS:

I am allergic to all tree nuts and peanuts

Margarine:

The only dairy-free, soy-free margarine I have so far been able to locate is sold only in Canada and not available in the US.  I can eat jelly, or jam, in small quantities, on toast.

What I can eat:  (lean) meat, fish, vegetables (except legumes and a few others), fruit, rice milk, oatmeal, wheatena, breads and cereals of any kind as long as they do not contain milk or soy.  Eggbeaters (but only limited amounts of eggs, a few a week).  (However, if that is all there is for breakfast, I can eat eggs).

Chinese food tends to contain a lot of soy and Italian food tends to contain a lot of cheese (as does Mexican food), so I have to be careful eating at those establishments.

If in doubt, read the ingredients.  This is harder at a restaurant.  Recently, I ordered some meatball sandwiches and asked the waitress if they contained cheese and she said no and proceeded to deliver mini meatball sandwiches with a slice of cheese in each one. 

No goat milk, either.

Those are my known allergies.  But I ate something that has made me sick.

If it's not one thing, it's another (Murphy at work)

This has nothing to do with my FM!  Just one more annoyance of daily life.

I have two poetry readings coming up and am trying to prepare some poems and first one printer ran out of ink and now the other is crumpling the paper.  I have a lot of poems to prepare and print and not a lot of time to do it in.  But now I am taking a break because I'm too frustrated to continue.

Dream dark deer

I had to put this here for the darkness, but I am also posting it to Imagik for Lacrima's Thursday Photo Challenge on darkness. 

Sometimes I feel like a toad!

This is Pewabic Pottery, famous for tiles and other pottery in Detroit. I love it!

I do NOT love feeling like a toad, though. 

Continuing conversation with JP about FM

M.-- I got very lucky in finding E., ...a vegetarian.  She does eat lots of stuff that I'd like best to avoid, though.  She's always
pushing stuff with flour...breads, pasta, etc., and it's hard to say no.   I try to mostly avoid sweets and she'll make an apple crisp...too good
to not have some...so there's the flour, sugar, etc.  You know how it is.

Are you allergic to ALL beans?  Have you tried adding them one at a time to see what happens?  Do you like or can you tolerate sardines or herring?  You could get your protein there, plus the oils.  How about tree nuts?  Or almonds...I think they are somehow different from other tree nuts.  I do think going macro would be of the most help.  J.

***
J.-- I do make dessert or pasta once in a while and I am suspicious of flour-based foods, especially refined flours.  I got tested for an allergy to wheat flour and the tests were negative, but I am still suspicious!

I made apple crisp in the 19th that was utterly wonderful and I ate too much of it--it was made with organic oats and organic ww flour--but had sugar in it.

The next day, we ate at ML's, K.'s mother's, and she made apple crisp, too.  It wasn't as good as mine and I ate only a token amount. 

I've been avoiding desserts since then (and before that).

ML also made rice pilaf with almonds in it---which I love, but I was much sicker the next day.  I've been suspicious of almonds for quite some time--not only peanuts, but all tree nuts seem to worsen my FM.

I have not tested all beans, but every time I eat any beans of any variety, I get sick.  I hate food testing, because every time I test something I'm suspicious of, I usually get sick.  And I'm sick of being sick.  If I'm feeling good, I don't want to get sick--it usually lasts 3-4 days to a week, and if I'm already sick, I can't test the food with any certainty (since I'm already sick), and I don't want to risk getting worse.  So I only test once in a while when I'm feeling brave, but the problem with that is, there are still things out there that catch me unaware and make me sick.

I do seem to be able to eat sardines.  I went on a sardine kick for a while, but haven't had any lately.

I rarely (almost never) get sick if I am home alone preparing my own food, so the cause of my illness is probably simply things I already know bother me slipping into my food without my knowledge when I eat away from home.

It's good to have a partner who eats like you do.  I always do better when I am alone than when I am with K. & G. or anyone else who eats "normal" food.  M.

MY FM, a conversastion with JP

M. -- We have a friend who is having serious pain and discomfort symptoms which sound exactly like what you described to me when I first knew you. You had mentioned how bad off you were and the steps you took in discovering what it was and what you did to "fix" it. Could you be a dear and retell me of your experience with it? Eileen has given me some
links to websites and I want to give this woman as much info on it as I
can...both technical and anecdotal. J.

***

J.-- I suffer from fibromyalgia and there is TONS of great stuff on the web about it, if googled.

I have achy sore joints and trigger points. The degree of pain varies with:

* the amount of sleep I've had
* stress
* various foods, not all of which I have under control.
* exercise

One misstep can send me on a wretched downward spiral that includes: pain that escalates from a dull ache to nearly unbearable, IBS, insomnia, crankiness (worse than usual), itchy skin.I have sore neck, sore hips, sore knees, sore feet. Sometimes I can't walk. I stiffen up if I sit too long. At my best, I feel lightly bruised all over and at my worst, I am in severe pain. Sometimes it escalates into myofascial disease which means that the sheaths of all the muscles hurt which expands the pain.

Walking and exercise help, but are hard to do sometimes. When the fibro is really bad.

In me, it is exascerbated by dairy, soy, nuts, beans and other foods. M.

***

M.-- E. had it almost as bad as you described to me years ago and basically "cured"
herself with dietary and lifestyle changes. J.

***

J.-- My FM is tied in with diet and lifestyle and I am desperately trying to control it, but there must be some component that I haven't figured out yet. It's much better than it was, My worst now is better than my best then, but it ain't cured and I still have very bad days. Haven't found any additional help for it. No "cure." Darn! :-(

***

M. -- Do you still eat very much in the line of prepared (cans, jars, boxes)
food that has additives? I really think the chemical soup that is being
put in foods is causing a LOT of medical problems in addition to FM. J.

***

J.--Very little except when I eat out or visit a friend. I make everything from scratch. (I never was big on prepared foods). M.

***

M.--Yeah, I remember macrobiotics...you taught me! I was macro when I lived
in the old farmhouse on Connors road. Gave it up when I hooked up with
B. ...it was tough to stick to something like that when the person
you're with eats anything that's not running fast enough to escape the
knife and fork!!! I went back to veggie when B. and I split. I have
added a couple fish back in recently (only anchovies, sardines and
herring...pretty healthy ones and the ones with the least problem with
environmental contamination). I'm actually contemplating going back to
macrobiotics (well, maybe a bit modified since I really do not want to
totally give up things like beer, wine and occasional sweets).
Recalling my whole life, I can honestly say that I felt the best,
physically, during that time when I was macro. I, too, cook mainly from
scratch. J.

***

J.--I felt best when I was macro, too, serious best, healthiest, leanest, and most cheerful, too! Hard when you cook for a family who wants junk, though! But I don't eat exactly what they eat. Sort of modified versions. It's hard for me to eat macro, though, when I seem to be allergic to beans and legumes. M.

PS. I wonder if being macro, if I could somehow get past the legume problem, would help my FM.

an earlier insomniac stupor

I found this note from when I was having insomnia in NY.  But before I came here, I was sleeping somewhat better and feeling a lot better in general.

Last night in my insomniac stupor, I made 4 separate pictures for the
title "Beating the heat 13" and each time I thought I was done, but
ended up not being happy with it.  I lay in bed (after 5 AM) thinking
of new ideas and was going to try some of them today, but decided I
need to finish this up and get back to working on the house and I
would use one of the four I'd already made.

Then I made another "brand new picture"  (a long-winded variation on a
variation of an older one).  It printed way dark and I could see some
flaws and was going to keep working on it but remembered I need to get
out of this house and get back to my sweeties, so I decided to stick
with the one I'd already done.  In the future, I can modify it.  If I
want to.

I framed them both, but they need to have holes drilled and be wired.  These are pictures #12 and #13, the last on the list, but I have to go back and prepare some of the others for hanging.

Still, slow progress is better than no progress!

Insomnia, getting worse

It's 4 AM and I've been awake since 12:30.  We went to bed just after 10 and talked until nearly 10:30.  I slept restlessly for 2 hours and was awake by 12:30.  I laid there from 12:30 to 3:45 hoping to sleep, trying to sleep, and finally had to get up.  I was starting to suffer from the "heebie-jeebies" where I get unbearably restles and itchy all over.  I also get hot.  It's cool in the bedroom, and I was wearing a warm shirt over my PJs, but I took it off before I went to bed.  After 12:30 I was naked and still too hot.  It seems ironic that I am hotter lying still in bed than I am when I am moving around, but that's what happens.  And every fibromyalgia trigger point was throbbing with pain.  It disrupts my nights and also my days because then I am tired all day.  I've been getting worse day by day ever siunce I arrived in Detroit and that scares me.  I no longer have a another "home" to retreat to and recover.  I was feeling incredibly better in NY than I am now.

wretched nights and tired days

I had another wretched insomniac night last night.  I was awake most of the night and finally drowsed slightly and began to dream after it got light, so then I slept late, wasting both the night with wakefulness and the day with sleeping and then tired sleepiness.  I HATE INSOMNIA!

Swollen Ankles

My ankles are slightly swollen.  Besides not sleeping well, and having worse than normal fibro, I have swollen ankles.  This is a sign that something is not quite right with me. I like it best when my feel and ankles are bony. 

I rarely see my ankles, they are usually covered by jeans or PJs.  Now that the winter season is here and I am wearing socks and slippers or shoes, my ankles have faded from sight.  Between showering and dressing, I have one small peek at this monitor of my health.

What Fibromyalgia feels like

My fibromylagia has been worse than normal lately (since I got to Detroit). It hurts, but everyone gets bored hearing about it.

Took this picture of an art piece at Ella Sharp Museum in Jackson, MI. I apologize for not getting the artist's nae--if you know it, let me know and I will add it. 

Battleaxe?

I just took a dating test and tried to be perfectly honest even when it was unpleasant and got the news that I was

The Battleaxe
Deliberate B rutal Love Master (DBLMf)

Sharp. Hardened. Dominating. The Battleaxe sweeps all before her, smiting and what not.

You've had a number of serious relationships, so you obviously have many attractive qualities. You're well experienced in dealing with other people's weirdnesses, and it's likely you're good in bed by now, too. Also, like the drunken housewife chucking Heinekens at her no-good husband, you've got a lot of energy.

People can tell you're sophisticated, and so you find yourself the object of infatuations quite often. But it's how you handle yourself in your relationships that gets you the 'brutal' tag. Controlling? Imperious? Overbearing? Yes, please.

Your exact opposite:
The Nurse

Remarkably, you don't mind the same from your men. You've experience enough to take whatever you dish out. Overall, you're a very good person and a capable lover, and when the time comes you'll make a fine divorcee.


ALWAYS AVOID: The Poolboy

CONSIDER: The False Messiah, someone just like you.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test

I don't want to be a battleaxe!  WAHN!

Keith's Birthday

Keith's birthday is the day after tomorrow, October 19. I have to get him something, I haven't yet. Plus buy food for a speacial meal. He wants something with tentacles (calamari). He said he'd take me to a fish store, but we haven't done that yet and it's coming down to the wire. That needs to go on my to-do list above most everything else. Yikes.

"Morning Pages"

I haven't been doing my "Morning Pages" in a long time, so I started today, but the are more technical and organizational than creative. I guess that's what's on my mind at the moment:

Tuesday, October 17, 2006; 7:59 AM Rain. Darkness and rain. Early morning, not that early, really, but it seems early because it's dark. I used to live near the leading edge of the time zone and now I live near the trailing edge so the sunrise is nearly and hour later here.

8:08 AM Graham just left for school. I went down to tell him goodbye. In spite of the rain and cold, he went out in his T-shirt. He's gotten too cool to wear a raincoat. Cowardly, actually. He doesn't want to take any guff from his friends.

Last night, Keith and I were discussing the things I needed to do, now that I have finally arrived. I need to unpack 198 boxes and bags. I've done two, and some bags. So maybe now actually 195 or 196. I haven't counted them again. I have to prepare for the upcoming readings in Syracuse and in PA. I have to change my name and address everywhere: bank accounts, credit cards, mail going to 8400. I have to get new doctors and a lot of them, and I have to do that soon before I run out of prescriptions.

Then Keith reminded me that I also have to get a new driver's license and registration. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was already feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to spend every second of my time dorking around with that sort of bullshit, I said. And he said I had to do it within ten days of moving here. Then I really got mad and we ended up having a fight. I guess I was feeling too overwhelmed and he was feeling that I didn't really want to be here with him or I'd hop on it. We both got angry and defensive. I don't want to fight with him, I want to be loving.

Luckily, the fight did not blossom into a huge deal. When we got back, he started working on installing the speakers from Kimbrook on my Detroit computer and we had to speak civilly to each other in order to accomplish that. Graham started his practicing and I went down to listen and lay on the floor because I was feeling very tired—too tired to sit up in a chair. Keith came down and lay on the floor behind me, spooning. It was very comforting and would have been wonderful except that my fibromyalgia was acting up and I had to keep turning over and then his shoulder hurt. The floor gets mighty hard in 45 minutes. Guess we are getting old.

Then, we went upstairs and Keith read to us from Anne McCaffrey's Dragonsong. Chapter 8. I'd read the first seven chapters alound in the car driving to and from Gail's. We were caught in some huge traffic mess and it took us an hour to go 5 miles and twice as long as normal (3 hours!) to get home. We're really enjoying it. It's been a long time for me and I've forgotten a lot of the details.

He prefers to ride his motorcycle, but he took the car today because of the rain. He's working 10-hour days and I don't sleep well because of my insomnia, so we are both a little on edge. My fibromyalgia is much worse since I've been here, but we've eaten out three times and there is no healthy food in the fridge for me—all my special foods got left behind in NY. Until I can shop and get what I need to be healthy, my health will be declining and I'll probably get crabbier and fight more with Keith. He doesn't seem to understand this connection.

I have been trying to decide what creative projects to do first. I would like to begin with Frog Haven, again, after the manuscript corrections were eaten in the death of the computer hard drive in Dead. So that will be my first BIG project. But meanwhile, I have to prepare for those two poetry readings and I have to finish Silk Creek Review II. I want to make a work schedule for myself that allows for these things to fit together with the other things I need to accomplish, family time, preparing and eating meals, laundry etc. I would like to dedicate 1.5-2 hours a day (or more), weekdays, anyway, to Frog Haven until I finish it. I would like to also work out a walking schedule so that I don't always have to walk at night around the streets of the city. With Keith working 6 days a week until dark, if I always wait for him, I will always have to walk at night. It's not just a selfish thing, because if he works that much and then walks 45-minutes to an hour with me, he has very little time to himself to work on his projects. AK. The whole thing makes me tired. I want to go back to bed. Actually, the problem is, I did not sleep well last night and haven't slept well in a while, so I am tired to begin with and that makes everything I want to do seem more difficult.

I am going to start by doing my sit-ups, and having breakfast. At some point, I want to walk to the store. I need to shower before 3 PM and have dinner ready by 5. Graham has his piano lesson tonight at 6. Or so Keith thinks, anyway. Graham thinks it's at 5:30. I need to know that before I make dinner! I was going to make meatloaf and that takes a while to cook, so a mistake in the schedule could throw everything off. I guess I'd better go find out what time the lesson is.

Task list:
Ø Find out what time Graham's lesson is
Ø Locate the Frog Haven manuscript
Ø Locate the poems for the readings
Ø Make a tentative schedule
Ø print the poems
Ø read the manuscript and mark it up
Ø write to Pam about directions
Ø unpack a box

I also want to write down my dreams, as I have been having quite a few lately. Including some disturbing ones.

safe arrival in Detroit.

12:40 AM Saturday (late Friday night):  I have safely arrived in Detroit and am now unofficially officially moved here, though more remains to be done there and I will be going back to see mother and children and give poetry readings and do art exhibits.  I have some pieces opening at a show at May Memorial Oct 17 that Erin or Sara will deliver for me, since I won't be there.  Much also remains to be done here, there are about 200 boxes to unpack.

The trip was harrowing.  The power was out from Rochester to Beyond Buffalo and they shunted everyone off the Thruway and we had to make our way through little Podunk towns and then through Lackawanna and Buffalo with all the traffic lights dead and there was 2 feet of snow on the ground and huge snowbanks and stranded cards in the middle of the road and trees down in the road (lots of them!).  IN parts of Buffalo, the roads were icy and snowpacked --and it was snowing.

When I left home, it was a gorgeous sunny fall day.

Keith has to work tomorrow (well, today, actually), he has to get up in less than 3 and half hours.

Since I was on the road all day (all night) (it took much much longer than normal), I have not read ANY of your emails, they'll have to wait, I'm sorry.

XMAS SHOPPING

Amazon!

--
I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats
Mary

trash and rain

I hauled the recycling out yesterday and then back in when the rain got bad and just now, lugged out 5 overfull recycling bins and then another bag of recycling and another bag of trash.  It's still raining, but not as hard.  I was hoping it wouldn't all turn into a soggy mess.  There is really a lot out there.  Hope they take it all.  So far they have.

Reflected

by me 

dinner

I took my walk in the rain, great colors! No writing or photography to speak of because of the rain.

I thought I was going to have to shop, because I am esentially out of fresh food, but I had an idea for dinner while waling and this is what I made: I sauteed cabbage and baby bellas and while I was doing that, boiled some elbows, then whacked up my three remaining frozen scallops and mixed it all together and grated cheese (fake cheese) over it. It turned out very good!

I'm getting less done without Keith. Without him, I have to make three meals a day and wash the dishes and fold the laundry and have less time to work.

Still no word from Bruce.

box #4

I just finished packing the 4th box of the day, which is early entirely stuff from my office/study/Sara's old bedroom--card-making materials, frames, framing supplies, and a little camping gear to top it off.  I carried the first of four over-stuffed recycling bins down to the curb as the rain seems to have dwindled.

I'm all sweatified.  Phew.  Running up and down the stairs desperately trying to get packed.

3rd of the day

I just packed the 3rd box of the day, labeled and carried it to the garage and then carried a bag of trash to the curb.  Every time I take a box out, I carry a bag or two down and now there are 4 bags (ONE VERY LARGE) and the regular can with two more bags.  it's raining, so I haven't hauled out all the bins of recycling yet..

back on line

Of course, I could not take the modem back today because I have yet to hear from Bruce about the mortgage.

So I', back on line, but I may take it back if I hear from him today, in which case I'l be back off line.

The place closes at 5, so I won't take it back unless I hear before 5.  Enough before 5 to detach it and drive it over.  (Before 4:30.)

THis morning I started by folding laundry.  I'd done two loads yesterday and there were more thant wo more waiting down there to be folded in a basket.  I did not complete the task because I got so depressed about not making progress twoard going.

I'm pretty depressed today.

I came up and worked on the dresser and filing cabinet in the bedroom and believe I chave probably completed the process of removing anything I need from there.  I packed one box, a pretty large one, labe,led it and carried it to the garage.  I have some stacks of things on the bed.  This took until after lunch time (with the laundry folding earlier), so I went down for lunch and of course, I'm out of fresh food so I ate a frozen hamburger and some mushrooms and dribs and drabs of other stuff.

Then I started washing dishes.  I'd been so busy that the dishes were piling up inlcuding breaskfast dishes from Sunday.  ANd everything since then.  I haven't finished that yet--I did a lot but not all.  This is because my back was hurting so much I had to sit down.  I feel depressed and sore and in pain and sad.  I'll have to drag myself up and get back to work, but I need a ltitle rest.

Yesterday I drove a picture over to Crystal's house, near Seneca Mall, for the Vera House fund raiser.  I used a picture I'd printed for another show and put it in a frame I paid a dollar-seven for and put a $43 price tag on it--it looked pretty good.  The rest of the pictures for Vera House will have to wait so I think I may pack those frames up next.

trash

I just completed filling a huge trash bag, taller than my waist and Keith carried it to the garage.  If I actually LEAVE on Tuesday or Wednesday, someone else will have to haul out the trash and recycling.  I'll need to know what to do about the water, electricity, cable, mortgage etc before I can leave. 

and yet another!

It's 8 PM and I've been working since 7 AM except for 2 meals, a walk and checking my email from time to time.  I just carried another box to the garage AND a big box stuffed full of cardboard from old boxes I unpacked.

Now I am going to break for dinner and probably for the day, since I need to talk to K&G at 9:15. 

For dinner I am going to make seafood marinara over linguine with grated (fake) cheese and broccoli.   Then get into my PJs and if there is time left, do a little more work.  Tomorrow is my MRI at  10:30  on Taft Road for my brain tumor.

At least, finally, there is actually a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  YAY! 

But it is also still looking grim for being ready.  I may leave anyway.

baby steps.

I just took two more tiny baby steps toward moving.

I got a box packed and and a large bag of garbage packed and carried both to the garage.  Both were very slow.  I was working in my old midbasement study where manuscripts of poetry and novels were turned back and forth to separate them and had slid tot he side so since they'd been there so long, they were very dusty.  I had to straightened and dust them all before I could pack them.  It's discouraging that it takes so long when there is so little time, and the next few days will be very busy with my MRI and dr. appts etc.

The manuscripts included the old master poetry file, Raven Girl to the Rescue, and early version of Frog Haven, and lots of poems and short stories.  I topped off the box with a stack of unsorted papers just to get moving.

I apparently have a cold which is also slowing me down as I have to keep stopping to blow my nose, and I have asthma.  And I didn't sleep well or long last night, so I am tired,  But the light at the end of the tunnel seems closer, and I am trying to keep the old nose to the grindstone!

losing it!

I went down to put the laundry in the dryer only to discover that it hadn't done t's spin cycle because I'd neglected to close the washer!  WAHN!

My day so far on Monday September 25 at 12:45 PM

I worked in the mid-basement and "completed" the rest of the south west side closest to the lower basement (yesterday I'd completed the back corner of that portion, this morning I completed the front corner of that portion).  By completed, I mean I believe I have removed everything I want to take to Detroit from that area.  I have not swept or vacuumed or removed boxes of stuff that don't relate.  I left a box of kitchen stuff:  glasses, cups etc, from the house at the lake without even examining it.  Hope there's nothing in there we want! 

I hauled out to the garage a HUGE garbage bag full of old clothes, papers, school papers, art and other nonrecyclables.  There are now three full trash bags for this weeks trash cycle.  Hard work, sweaty, dirty and the progress is incredibly slow.  From that stash, I did save some stuff, including pix from 1976 and earlier.  These included pix of Sara as a baby and toddler.  Also somehow a few of baby Erin.

I need to break now to shower, dress and send poems and pictures to Christopher Bursk for the reading I am doing in PA on Friday November 10.  I need to wash dishes (I'm getting behind again), fold laundry, call about Medicaid and social security for Mom (and maybe for myself), CANCEL a whole bunch of upcoming medical appointments including the MRI for my brain tumor since my heath insurance is now in Detroit, etc.  A lot of etcs including pack for Dodge.  BAH HUMBUG!  I want to get out of here, but none of those things will further that task.

Freedom

 

That stomach ache

That weird stomach ache is here again.  I just ate 3 tiny grilled fake cheese sandwiches and a bowl of cereal.  1 small bowl of cereal with rice milk, and now my tummy hurts.

RAIN!!!

It's raining again.  Still.  Well it did stop yesterday, long enough for us
to walk.  I'm sad about each of a number of things I'm throwing away, the
test results for my ski test, those expensive and nice lightweight pants I
loved so much.  Sweaters and T-shirts with tiny minor flaws that they won't
want at the salvation army, but that I would wear if I hadn't gained gained weight.  I hate being fat,

It's pouring.  Adam's sister just came over to invite me to a "block party" they're having.  Adam and his friends are going to be playing music.  I was about to go out for my constitutional.

This house-cleanng is getting me down

 

One photo brighter?

The light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel may just have gotten one photon brighter.  I finally finished essentially removing myself from one more room.  For a number of winters, I slept in Erin's old bedroom because my water bed is too cold at in the winter.  It is amazing how much of my stuff accumulated in her room.  It's nearly all out now, and I've done all I can do of the claiming myself portion of the job. 

It's not done.  For one thing, we're probably going to take the mattress on the bed.  But I can't do that alone and there is nowhere else to put it other than leaving it there until we take it.

I haven't removed anything of Erin's, and haven't vacuumed, washed windows or done any scrubbing or dusting.  I'm not doing that at this stage.  Right now, I am concentrating on removing myself, mainly those things I need or want in Detroit.

The bad news is:  piles of stuff from Erin's room now clutter the living room and hall and need to be dealt with.  More bad news is that I have asthma and hay fever from the dust.

The good news is, my stuff isn't in there and I am one step closer, small as it may be, to being finished

In Limbo

The wretched problem with Ticketmaster and the Tickets to the Geraldine R. Dodge Poetry Festival reminded me how I'm in Limbo.   don't live anywhere, I don't have a name, an occupation, and existence  I don't live in Detroit or in NY.  The people in Detroit thingk I'm still in NY and the people in NY think I'm in Detroit.  I'm not really a writer or a poet or a photographer or a writer or a scientist or an educator, I'm not even a proper wife or mother.  I'm not sleeping but I'm not properly awake.  I can't go backpacking and I can't sing.  And I'm too tired to explain why.

one more box UN

one more box UNloaded.  A big one.  I filled two bags of garbage and one jam-packed bag of recycling.  And made the mess of sort piles in the living room even bigger.

MY whole day so far is sorting two large boxes.  I haven't walked yet.  My day and my life these days.

Till Death do us Part I

Till Death do us Part IIa, by Mary Stebbins Taitt, click image to view larger. For all the men who murder their wives and girlfriends or other women. And for Vera House. 

small steps

My accomplishment for the day so far is to sort one very large box of stuff.

Before the appraiser came, I had cleaned and vacuumed the livingroom, but the sorting process has created piled of stuff and a huge mess again.  I did throw away a lot and recycle a lot, but there are other things that are going elsewhere, sitting in piles waiting for me to deal with them.

Says you! and "the Lion's Share"

I thought I'd missed Says You, but I hadn't!  YAY!  (Sad to miss wait wait!)  It was very funny, as usual.  It was a rerun, and I'd heard it before, but it was still funny.  It was in Vermont.  I remembered the thing about the word "livid" as in livid with rage--it does not mean red or purple, but rather grey and pale.  Also, the Lion's share does not really mean the larger portion, but all of it!  It comes from an Aesop's fable where the lion talks all the jungle creatures into doing the work and then he takes all the profit because 1) he's the king, 2)he organized the event and 3)who dares to try and take any.  The moral of the story is, you can share in the work of the rich but you won't share in the spoils.  More "proof" that the rich are bad.

At the museum where I worked, most of the people on the board of directors were rich, but they thought it was OK to pay us poverty wages.  I was going to say, "I will never forgive them for that." but I probably should, for my own sake, not theirs.  They don't know that I hate them for it.  They aren't suffering from my unhappiness with them, I am.  Hmmm.

I wish like Amy Tan and Kim Edwards I could somehow humanize them, but I see them as monsters.  Like David Henry, they made a wrong choice and their wrong choice had a negative effect on my life and the lives of my children and long-range bad effects hat are being felt now in the house situation.  But they did it probably to "save the museum."  I think it was a bad chocie and that the museum would be a better place if they paid better wages.  They could hire better help and people paid farly will work better and be more faithful to the organization.  At least I think so.  Their miserliness hurt not only me and mine, but them as well.  Or the museum anyway, probably not them.  I haven't forgiven them yet, but I suppose I should try.

cpap mask and another comment on sleeping late

My CPAP mask fell apart last night and again this morning, luckily both times when I was already awake.  It's horrible when it falls apart in the middle of the nght because it is such a hassle to reassemble it that I get all wakened up..

Another problem with sleeping late is that I miss my favorite NPR programs because my schedule gets pushed forward,  I missed both wait wait don't tell me and Says You , not becasue I was sleeping, but because my schedule was off.

small note, sleeping late, small dream, swollen feet

Sleeping Late

I rarely sleep late.  In fact, I rarely sleep (LOL!)  But I slept late this morning, though I did wake often and drift away again.  I slept much later than I "ever" do, until after 10:15.  The night before last, I had terrible insomnia.  I was awake until after 2:30, woke often, and then woke early and couldn't sleep.  I was worried about the mortgage being refused by the bank due to the bad appraisal.  I think last night I was making up for the loss the night before.  The problem is, when I lay awake in bed, I am not accomplishing anything, and then, if I sleep late, I'm taking away from my work time.  But I don't know how to sleep at night when I am having insomnia and if I don't sleep when I have the opportunity, I'm tired all the time and can't do as much.  I hope this doesn't disturb my sleep patterns even more by making me not tired or sleepy at bedtime.

Small Dream

I had a lot of dreams last night.  At the moment, I'm not remembering most of them, though some are hovering around the edges.  I do remember one small hynogogic dream where I was reaching into a basket of Indian (Native American) jewelry to pick up a beaded ring.  What was so amazing to me is the texture of the ring.  I could feel the round beads and wirey, resistant texture so clearly and startlingly that I woke up.  I could still clearly feel it, so I rubbed my fingers together, but there was nothing there that might simulate the sensation.  My hand was empty.

Swollen Feet

After days, maybe weeks of being boney and "thin," yesterday my feet were swollen, and they are swollen again today.  I don't know what causes this and it worries me.  I often think it is something I ate bad, but I don't know what.  Too much salt?  Too much fat?  Too much cholesterol?  Or something else entirely?  I am concerned about my weight and I wish I could turn it around and lose weight instead of gaining.

Listening in the Forest

Listening in the Forest, by Mary Stebbins Taitt, click image to view larger.